I've been trying so so hard. I really have, but it is difficult. The time I've been able to see myself living into the future has slowly decreased. At this point I don't see any conceivable way I'll survive through my next semester.
Last semester the entire time I was high and thinking about jumping out the window. But now I'm sober, and it's just seemingly worse. The few moments I feel myself not being suicidal I get so much anxiety about dying I get insomnia and panic attacks until I'm suicidal again. I'll convince myself my organs are failing or that I have cancer everytime I have any will to live.
And I can't handle my emotions in the slightest anymore. It feels like I'm constantly just bouncing between being depressed anxious or angry and even in the happiest moments there's still something holding me back.
I can't see myself having any type of healthy relationship w anyone including just having friends. It's become a chore just to respond to people so I've slowly stopped, and they've slowly stopped trying.
There have rarely been times in my life where I don't think I was depressed and I just can't see myself staying in that place for a long time. I always end up becoming depressed again. This is most definitely the worse I've been in life, but I see no conceivable chance of living a happy life. It's been so hard so far and I'm a weak person.
For so long when I was suicidal I'd think it'd show some type of revenge to my parents for them never actually being there. For being too involved with their own lives to actually raise their child. But now, they're the only thing keeping me from ending it. As horrible as my mother may have been in my life, her grievance is the only thing keeping me here currently. But that's a thin line that I'm sure will break soon when I leave for my college again.
For so long the only thing keeping me going was the hope of it "getting better" but it never has. I'm always finding issues with everything, and I've tried to better myself so much. Truly. But I just can't seem to get there. I'm simply too weak of a person to live.
Last semester the entire time I was high and thinking about jumping out the window. But now I'm sober, and it's just seemingly worse. The few moments I feel myself not being suicidal I get so much anxiety about dying I get insomnia and panic attacks until I'm suicidal again. I'll convince myself my organs are failing or that I have cancer everytime I have any will to live.
And I can't handle my emotions in the slightest anymore. It feels like I'm constantly just bouncing between being depressed anxious or angry and even in the happiest moments there's still something holding me back.
I can't see myself having any type of healthy relationship w anyone including just having friends. It's become a chore just to respond to people so I've slowly stopped, and they've slowly stopped trying.
There have rarely been times in my life where I don't think I was depressed and I just can't see myself staying in that place for a long time. I always end up becoming depressed again. This is most definitely the worse I've been in life, but I see no conceivable chance of living a happy life. It's been so hard so far and I'm a weak person.
For so long when I was suicidal I'd think it'd show some type of revenge to my parents for them never actually being there. For being too involved with their own lives to actually raise their child. But now, they're the only thing keeping me from ending it. As horrible as my mother may have been in my life, her grievance is the only thing keeping me here currently. But that's a thin line that I'm sure will break soon when I leave for my college again.
For so long the only thing keeping me going was the hope of it "getting better" but it never has. I'm always finding issues with everything, and I've tried to better myself so much. Truly. But I just can't seem to get there. I'm simply too weak of a person to live.
