I don't think i'll ever get better

[Jupit3rs]

It's been a while since i been here.
I had plans of ending everything last year, but someone came into my life and changed everything. I thought, perhaps naively, that this will be it... But I was truly wrong. I'm not even sure of my own feelings, I can't love, I can't be happy and I can only make people suffer.
I should have killed myself last december, now i'm stuck, knowing that I will always carry this innate desire for death, regardless of what i do.
Why does suicide seems to be the only way out of this pain? Why meds hurt me more or have no effect on me? Why people cant listen to me and understand me? Why everyone keeps insisting sh*t will get better when it fcking doesnt? Why should i live? Why should I torture myself by existing?
I dont want my parents to suffer, i dont want anyone to be in pain for my fault but i cant do this anymore... My rope is just there, waiting... But I'm still so terrified... I hope I die soon, I hope I do.

 

[SilentSadness]

It's true, anyone who promises things will get better hasn't convinced themselves yet so they're looking for validation. The fact is, life is a torture game and if you want to live then you have to face unbearable suffering, sometimes on a daily basis. Meds didn't work on me either, I think they assumed my reasons for suffering were irrational so that's why they gave me them. I can't answer many of your questions but I hope that you find peace from the worst of this world soon.

 

[outrider567]

I know for sure that I myself won't get better, I'd be a fool to think otherwise

 

[CantWait2D1E]

I know I won't either. I feel my self growing worse everyday. It's so incredibly frustrating when other people try to keep us around telling us "it'll get better" when they have no way of knowing that or proving that.

I guess by mentioning rope you are planning hanging as your method. You are incredibly brave. If I grew some balls and chose that as well I would not be here. It seems my cowardice is the only thing I have left to cling on.

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't think that such a thing as getting "better" exists in this cruel world where there is no real relief from suffering. Existing just gets worse as time goes on. But it's true that it certainly can be torture existing here, this world is hell to me and I cannot stand all of the people that invalidate the reality of this existence with their toxic positivity. It's like they don't wish to accept the fact that existence isn't always worth enduring.