Venting I don't think I want to recover

[CyanideSoup]

That might seem like an odd statement to make, but in the hypothetical situation where I could wave a magic wand and make all my troubles go away, I still don't think my life would be worth living. Ive been suicidal for the majority of my life and I think i always knew this was what I would do. So I never bothered to plan out my life because what's the point if I'm not here? I have no aspirations, no hobbies, nothing I enjoy and absolutely no idea where i would want my life to go. I've been set on this path for so long that even the idea of dying any other way gives me severe anxiety. Possibly because Ive never had control of anything in life and I feel like my death is the one thing I can choose.

I feel as if Im living my life on autopilot at this point. I can't focus on anything other than planning how I'll go. My entire life revolves around my illnesses and I can barely remember a time before they ruled over me. But as much as I despise them, if they dissapeared right now and I was "normal" again I don't know what i would do. I have nothing outside of this. Recovery is hopeless because I am my illnesses. Outside of that im like an empty shell.

There is no hope for me and as soon as this lockdown is over and I can travel again I will be getting a one way ticket and catching the bus.

 

[WornOutLife]

I can relate to what you say.
I'm in recovery but yesterday, I was about to give up. It seems alcohol and hangovers are the worst so I'll have to stop drinking.
The thing is, while I'm sober, it's very difficult to feel motivated to do anything.

I had started to go for work out, study, have a healthy diet, etc but now I'm eating junk food and gaining more weight!

This is part of my bipolar disorder, anyway. I'll just have to try to move on but if I give up and ctb, I've least tried. Same applies to do.
You lose nothing by trying to live one more time. You will be at least doing your best.

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

I'm sorry to hear, I feel kind of lost with my life also and don't have any answers either. If I remember right, you were trying to recover somewhere that specialized in treating BPD. I was wondering how did it go for you?

 

[Makko]

My entire life revolves around my illnesses and I can barely remember a time before they ruled over me. But as much as I despise them, if they dissapeared right now and I was "normal" again I don't know what i would do. I have nothing outside of this. Recovery is hopeless because I am my illnesses. Outside of that im like an empty shell.

I understand this well. Past a certain point you can no longer talk about someone having an illness as if it were a separate thing that you can peel off and expose the "normalcy" underneath, as if everyone has a "normal" personality buried somwhere under their abnormalcies. This is a big fallacy. If you purge my demons, you won't have a normal person, you'll have nothing. I am the demons. There is no "normal person" underneath; no matter how far you peel an apple, you won't find an orange in there.

 

[CyanideSoup]

I'm sorry to hear, I feel kind of lost with my life also and don't have any answers either. If I remember right, you were trying to recover somewhere that specialized in treating BPD. I was wondering how did it go for you?

I spent months pushing for it but the NHS refused to even refer my case over to them without "accessing all NHS avenues first" which would be about 7 or 8 years down the line including wait lists. So I've been dealing with things as best I can at home but when I've got a 26 month wait before any form of treatment (if I'm even accepted) i don't see the point in putting myself through that pain.

 

[muffin222]

I'm sorry life has brought you so much pain and suffering. I can relate to what you've said.

Strange as it may sound to some people, no one "has" to recover. Ideally, we would explore all possible alternative avenues that are available to us before deciding to end it all, but, ultimately, no one is obligated to do that. Recovery is a choice, just as ctb is a choice. We all hold the ultimate choice about our fate in our hands. I sincerely hope you find some relief from your pain, whatever you decide to do in the end

 

[wordsonscreen]

I kind of do feel similarly. I'm not sure I WANT to recover anymore. I'm pretty far down this road and I really cant imagine what it would take for me to change my decision.

I'm sorry life has brought you so much pain and suffering. I can relate to what you've said.

Strange as it may sound to some people, no one "has" to recover. Ideally, we would explore all possible alternative avenues that are available to us before deciding to end it all, but, ultimately, no one is obligated to do that. Recovery is a choice, just as ctb is a choice. We all hold the ultimate choice about our fate in our hands. I sincerely hope you find some relief from your pain, whatever you decide to do in the end

This^ sums it up perfectly. Its become quite apparent to me that recovery is pushed onto everyone in a very cult-like way. We dont NEED to recover. It should be a choice- it is a choice. How do people not understand consent?

While society has different rules, I have decided for myself that suicide and recovery are both choices I alone get to make. Both have consequences and I bear the burden of that as well. Alternatively, someone may decide to allow someone else (family, MH workers, doctors) to choose for them. I think we can decide how much freedom we let ourselves have even if society does not recognize it.

 

[flyaway]

I also feel similarly regarding this. Being suicidal for a long time has kinda turned my wish to CTB into a part of me. I keep forcing myself doing things I don't particularly enjoy as part of my efforts to put my life in order, but I feel that I can't keep going like this much longer so ending it once and for all seems like the most logical solution to me.

 

[lostmyhope]

Agreed, I don't care about recovering.

 

[ixkitty]

I completely understand. I have a super full time job, I have an apt, I have money (not rich but... I can live decently) and I still get off of work wondering if tonight will be the night. Life is getting better around me but I'm not getting better.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Life is getting better around me but I'm not getting better.

Precisely. Feels odd being.. almost frozen in space and time.

 

[saltshaker]

Being a victim can become your ego, your identity, and letting go of that is like loosing yourself completely. It's very painful and difficult to change yourself so fundamentally. I used to feel this way and I am still trying to let go of it. You might want to ask yourself: "Would I be able to forgive myself if I got better? If I started looking at myself as an equal to other people?"

Until you give yourself permission to get better, you've got nowhere else to go but down.

 

[Lost Magic]

Yes, I don't see myself recovering. I have been mentally ill and depressed most of my life. Now, that my mother and uncle has gone, I cease to see magic in the world anymore. I don't want to put an exact expiry on myself but I can't see me getting through the whole of this year. The bus trip will not be much longer now.

 

[Callie Arcale]

I've given up on recovery. I don't not want to recover, I just don't care anymore because I know it is impossible. I've tried everything, I've seen more doctors and psychologists than I can remember, I gave it my best and my all.

Now I'm middle-aged and after a life time of struggle, I'm throwing in the towel. I'm done fighting.

 

[booray]

I too am choosing not to recover. The horrific and largely false story about me on the internet is out there forever, and so it looks like I'll never be able to find a decent job again and I have absolutely no intention of becoming a wage slave at this point in my life. I had a good run while it lasted, but it's time to throw in the towel. I really wasn't looking forward to my so-called golden years anyway as my grandmother always told me that it's no fun growing old.

 

[W’ren]

I've been told that the drs can't stop me... by the drs.
I've been told that changing medications won't help.
I'm tired. World weary. I'm in so much pain, all realms of pain- pain that there is no recovery from.
I'm jaded... tired... i don't see why i should care when no one else does, when i don't matter-
I know death would happen anyway.
Controlling it, choosing my time, is kind if my way of finally controlling something.
When the only being that ever showed me unconditional love and loyalty is gone- when that debt is repaid- i will ctb and i do not care to recover and change my mind.
I'm past recovery. How does one recover from all the shit i've had to exist through? How does one keep going? There is a limit and i will choose it.
Recovery... i've tried. I've tried.

 

[gtrfvr]

The will to fight for life is gone. You'd think by middle age I'd have found a way to fit in but it just hasn't happened.

Now with financial nooses tightening all I want is to be dead. I'm tired of struggling and wish cancer would have taken me when it had the chance.

There aren't going to be any new relationships, I'd ruin them if I had the chance and don't really believe in them any longer after all they have cost me.

Death come quick. Death come soon. Cant happen soon enough.