Discussion I don't remember my life pre- mental illness

[fkyou]

One of the bad things about severe mental illness is that you get used to that level of unhappiness,but you are still suffering and depressed and you don't understand why the people around you are happy..dark thoughts get into you and you think life is doom and gloom.but it's only you who's in a big war.the mind only knows and remembers the feelings of the present.basically there's no benefit from your brain. It's not intelligent.it operates on emotions not past experiences.not thoughts.its doesn't help you in anything. I struggle to recognize that I didn't feel this bad In the past.cause I don't remember the life of the past only the present.and this tortured me for no reason.its just sad.if I don't get to live a good life.at least I don't want to be dragged in the floor.this is humiliation.i want to leave with integrity.its like seeing a homeless person on the streets.or people living in dirt poverty.you never want to see yourself in that position.

 

[Dingo67]

One of the bad things about severe mental illness is that you get used to that level of unhappiness,but you are still suffering and depressed and you don't understand why the people around you are happy..dark thoughts get into you and you think life is doom and gloom.but it's only you who's in a big war.the mind only knows and remembers the feelings of the present.basically there's no benefit from your brain. It's not intelligent.it operates on emotions not past experiences.not thoughts.its doesn't help you in anything. I struggle to recognize that I didn't feel this bad In the past.cause I don't remember the life of the past only the present.and this tortured me for no reason.its just sad.if I don't get to live a good life.at least I don't want to be dragged in the floor.this is humiliation.i want to leave with integrity.its like seeing a homeless person on the streets.or people living in dirt poverty.you never want to see yourself reach that low.

If you have any good memories, it can be helpful to remember those. Especially if you have any while still being depressed.

 

[CutToRelease]

I can relate to that some what. For me my past simple dose not exist. I can remember clear about 3 or 5 months ago. Anything beyond that is murky. Or if I do get a decent recollection it don't "feel" like it was me. So yeah it suck but hey we can all be in hell together I guess.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think I understand this. Although, I'm not 100% convinced I am depressed because- like you say, there isn't a very clear before and after.

I've had ideation since I was 10. (44 now.) I've had better and worse times than this but, I suppose I feel like a lot of what I am is ingrained in my character now. So, I don't exacly know if it can be removed or more importantly- whether I even want to remove it. Would I still recognise myself?

I doubt I'm much more than mildly to moderately depressed- if I even am. So, it makes me ponder the question- can a person actually be in a state of depression their whole life? (Pretty much.) Does it just get in and rewrite your brain?

Having said that, I can remember happy moments. I'm not incapable of feeling joy now I think. So, maybe I'm not depressed at all. It's more that life isn't geared up to allow us enough of those times. Unless I suppose you can train it to like a bunch of stuff you currently loathe!

 

[CutToRelease]

I think I understand this. Although, I'm not 100% convinced I am depressed because- like you say, there isn't a very clear before and after.

I've had ideation since I was 10. (44 now.) I've had better and worse times than this but, I suppose I feel like a lot of what I am is ingrained in my character now. So, I don't exacly know if it can be removed or more importantly- whether I even want to remove it. Would I still recognise myself?

I doubt I'm much more than mildly to moderately depressed- if I even am. So, it makes me ponder the question- can a person actually be in a state of depression their whole life? (Pretty much.) Does it just get in and rewrite your brain?

Having said that, I can remember happy moments. I'm not incapable of feeling joy now I think. So, maybe I'm not depressed at all. It's more that life isn't geared up to allow us enough of those times. Unless I suppose you can train it to like a bunch of stuff you currently loathe!

Yeah I get what u mean. I don't think I would even be me if I wasn't depressed, but I can remember my past self being happy. The problem is it don't feel like I was ever that person. My past feels like I'm seeing some else's life.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah I get what u mean. I don't think I would even be me if I wasn't depressed, but I can remember my past self being happy. The problem is it don't feel like I was ever that person. My past feels like I'm seeing some else's life.

I completely understand this. My life feels very fragmented/ disjointed too. Even things that didn't happen all that long ago can feel like a whole other life. Partly, probably because I've moved around a fair bit so, they were kind of new starts each time.

Sometimes it's kind of frightening though. Some days I feel as if I've shifted to maybe a worse state. But then I think maybe I'm just being over dramatic!

Actually- it can help I think if you have been a member on a forum like this for a long time. You sometimes come across posts from years back and you can check whether your perspectives have changed. That's actually a pretty tangible way to see whether you have changed. Who you were before.

 

[CutToRelease]

I completely understand this. My life feels very fragmented/ disjointed too. Even things that didn't happen all that long ago can feel like a whole other life. Partly, probably because I've moved around a fair bit so, they were kind of new starts each time.

Sometimes it's kind of frightening though. Some days I feel as if I've shifted to maybe a worse state. But then I think maybe I'm just being over dramatic!

Actually- it can help I think if you have been a member on a forum like this for a long time. You sometimes come across posts from years back and you can check whether your perspectives have changed. That's actually a pretty tangible way to see whether you have changed. Who you were before.

I have something like that. In discord I have a chat log of just me. Its all messages I don't remember sending addresses to me from my past. Some are cruel telling me to kill myself. Some are mundane. Some I can see I have interacted with before. But I remember none of it. Its like there are more people using my account to send messages in that chat. But I know that's not posible so those were me at some point. There just not me anymore.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I have something like that. In discord I have a chat log of just me. Its all messages I don't remember sending addresses to me from my past. Some are cruel telling me to kill myself. Some are mundane. Some I can see I have interacted with before. But I remember none of it. Its like there are more people using my account to send messages in that chat. But I know that's not posible so those were me at some point. There just not me anymore.

I'm sorry. That's got to be pretty disturbing to read. I'm glad those aren't you now. The world can be cruel. It's even harder when we're also being cruel to ourselves.

 

[CutToRelease]

I'm sorry. That's got to be pretty disturbing to read. I'm glad those aren't you now. The world can be cruel. It's even harder when we're also being cruel to ourselves.

Yeah in my head my past is a whole different person basically and yeah its easy to be your own worse enemy. But on the plus side other people can never be as cruel as my past is to me.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've suffered a lot, it's really so cruel and dreadful to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Salting the wounds]

I know how you feel, I am experiencing the exact same thing, I had a good life until I started using drugs which led to multiple psychotic breaks.
Currently my mind feels like that of a fish, not nice memories. Sinking into severe depression with cognitive problems for over a year now. I'm suffering too much but I don't have the balls to take my own life either. Feel free to send me a private message