I don't know why i haven't done it already.

[Circles]

It's getting exhausting to keep up when life keeps putting me down. It's like I take one step forward and then 10 steps back. I've convinced myself that suicide is the one thing that I'll do but yet I keep getting off track. Like since I feel I'm already committed, I use the thought suicide as a deterrent for helping me get through the day. But then the days keep counting up and stay the same all the while I feel if I prolong it any longer I'll lose the drive for it. It's ironic considering I never had any drive to do anything in this life and that lack of drive is festering into the only thing I want. I'm afraid I'm going to wake up one day being 35-50+ years old and think I should've done it sooner. I'm afraid I'm going to get burnt out. But if I keep using that as an excuse from living then I'll just be complicit and be in a purgatory state where I'm just as trapped with my situation. My mind is racing and I have so many thoughts I want to say but can't pin them down. I can't keep making excuses and sooner or later the decision is going to be made without me and I'm going to be stuck. Fuck my brain. I want out of this rotting meat sack, I'm tired of feeling anything at all, I'm tired of being human.

 

[Retched]

I agree and I am in the 35-50 year range. Sitting and trying to integrate in the world around me is torture right now and I'm to the point where I'm jealous of people who have freak accidents that lead to death, and I'd never wish harm on anyone, except myself. But who am I to say your existence won't be different. I keep saying to myself "it would be rude to die today because" and I'm running out of reasons why it would be rude. I'm tired of my rotting meat sack too. I have nothing to add anymore to actually live a life. I keep getting reminded of who I was even a year ago. And I'm not that person now. And it sucks. And this person just wants to CTB. Maybe tonight...but it would probably be rude b/c I'm leaving a massive mess of my room and massive bills that need to be settled out of my accounts. See? But I'm already saying to myself, "so what?" and that's rude too I guess. But my body is tired. My brain is whacked out due to a huge pharma mess. I'm no longer a good friend, daughter, mother, lover. I have nothing to give because it takes all my energy just to keep going one. more. minute. I like how you describe it as purgatory. I feel in limbo too. Half between the dead and half between the living.

 

[Circles]

I agree and I am in the 35-50 year range. Sitting and trying to integrate in the world around me is torture right now and I'm to the point where I'm jealous of people who have freak accidents that lead to death, and I'd never wish harm on anyone, except myself. But who am I to say your existence won't be different. I keep saying to myself "it would be rude to die today because" and I'm running out of reasons why it would be rude. I'm tired of my rotting meat sack too. I have nothing to add anymore to actually live a life. I keep getting reminded of who I was even a year ago. And I'm not that person now. And it sucks. And this person just wants to CTB. Maybe tonight...but it would probably be rude b/c I'm leaving a massive mess of my room and massive bills that need to be settled out of my accounts. See? But I'm already saying to myself, "so what?" and that's rude too I guess. But my body is tired. My brain is whacked out due to a huge pharma mess. I'm no longer a good friend, daughter, mother, lover. I have nothing to give because it takes all my energy just to keep going one. more. minute. I like how you describe it as purgatory. I feel in limbo too. Half between the dead and half between the living.

Damn this is what I'm afraid of. The longer you wait the more life puts on you where you can't leave as swiftly as you want. I'm sorry you are living the fate I fear most. I just don't see how you got that far. It's mind blowing to me how you described the bipolar-ness of being on and off with suicide. And it's funny how the people who don't want to die end up going early but people who want to die can't. Death won't let us out so easily without a painful surprise.

 

[Retched]

Damn this is what I'm afraid of. The longer you wait the more life puts on you where you can't leave as swiftly as you want. I'm sorry you are living the fate I fear most. I just don't see how you got that far. It's mind blowing to me how you described the bipolar-ness of being on and off with suicide. And it's funny how the people who don't want to die end up going early but people who want to die can't. Death won't let us out so easily without a painful surprise.

Thank you for your empathy. And people who don't want to die do all the time. I fear I have it in my genes to live until I'm reeeaaallllyyyy old, like a lot of women in my family. I don't know though. Will I make it past this day? Dunno. Don't care that it will be rude right now.

 

[Circles]

Thank you for your empathy. And people who don't want to die do all the time. I fear I have it in my genes to live until I'm reeeaaallllyyyy old, like a lot of women in my family. I don't know though. Will I make it past this day? Dunno. Don't care that it will be rude right now.

Whatever you choose I wish you peace. What is your method if you don't mind me asking?

 

[Retched]

Whatever you choose I wish you peace. What is your method if you don't mind me asking?

Partial suspension. I don't have the means to get N and I was considering buying a handgun but keep putting that off too....and thank you.

 

[Limbo]

Because the pain of life isnt enough to beat your will to live. If you are suffering enough, the pain will take over.

 

[Circles]

Partial suspension. I don't have the means to get N and I was considering buying a handgun but keep putting that off too....and thank you.

That's the method I choose too but I'm considering doing a hang drop from a tree.

 

[Circles]

Because the pain of life isnt enough to beat your will to live. If you are suffering enough, the pain will take over.

I feel like I'm at that point already but it doesn't seem to equate to me the severity of it. I'm scared of the pain of existing and the pain of hanging myself. I feel trapped and numb. Out of all this space in the universe and I'm right here trapped ready to kill my self. Pathetic.

 

[Retched]

That's the method I choose too but I'm considering doing a hang drop from a tree.

I've considered that too.

 

[Nem]

Wow, this post hits home. I am just screwed from a Dr letting to kill me with negligence and a fiance with a control issue that demanded I keep taking the dangerous meds. I was doing fine for years but then met a controlling person and didn't back out of the relationship even though the red flags were right in my face. She was a bad person to be with in many ways and I wish I ended my life already, I was ready to kill myself right after the Dr tried to kill me but I held on and it has not paid off one bit. I should end things right after writing this.
Peace

 

[Retched]

Wow, this post hits home. I am just screwed from a Dr letting to kill me with negligence and a fiance with a control issue that demanded I keep taking the dangerous meds. I was doing fine for years but then met a controlling person and didn't back out of the relationship even though the red flags were right in my face. She was a bad person to be with in many ways and I wish I ended my life already, I was ready to kill myself right after the Dr tried to kill me but I held on and it has not paid off one bit. I should end things right after writing this.
Peace

Right? I hope you find the peace you are looking for. This post just about summed it up for me.

 

[Circles]

Wow, this post hits home. I am just screwed from a Dr letting to kill me with negligence and a fiance with a control issue that demanded I keep taking the dangerous meds. I was doing fine for years but then met a controlling person and didn't back out of the relationship even though the red flags were right in my face. She was a bad person to be with in many ways and I wish I ended my life already, I was ready to kill myself right after the Dr tried to kill me but I held on and it has not paid off one bit. I should end things right after writing this.
Peace

Man I'm sorry you had to go through that. Being taking advantage of is despicable. I wish I can say something to ease your pain. Funnily enough I ran into a homeless man the other day and he kept talking about 'checking your catch' I guess meaning to be aware of who you deal with considering she took everything from the guy according to him. This is why I don't let people in my life. Humans are too complicated to deal with. What type of meds were you taking?

 

[Nem]

This all started when a coworker gave me some of his valium when at the time I was taking natural supplements. Long story short my Dr combined sinequan with some other crap ad meds and sinequan is a VERY dangerous med. I should never have taken it to begin with ever, I read it was dangerous to begin with and I just thought I would try it for a couple of days. Two days in I realized it was ultra dangerous and was on vacation with the p.o.s fiance who demanded I keep taking them after I told her I wanted to stop since they wee making me sick. I even told the freaking a-hole to look up on the Internet how dangerous these meds were before she demanded I keep taking them and she refused. Looking back, it shouldve been an oj moment, I shouldn't have been with the freaking asshole, she was fucked in the head. Should've pulled an oj on that situation. Just a fucking bitch!

 

[Nem]

This all started when a coworker gave me some of his valium when at the time I was taking natural supplements. Long story short my Dr combined sinequan with some other crap ad meds and sinequan is a VERY dangerous med. I should never have taken it to begin with ever, I read it was dangerous to begin with and I just thought I would try it for a couple of days. Two days in I realized it was ultra dangerous and was on vacation with the p.o.s fiance who demanded I keep taking them after I told her I wanted to stop since they were making me sick. I even told the freaking a-hole to look up on the Internet how dangerous these meds were before she demanded I keep taking them and she refused. Looking back, it's obvious she was fucked in the head, narcissistic and a sociopath rolled into one. The only reason I kept taking them was because I didn't want anymore bullshit silent treatment. I was a retard for not leaving the room but destroying it first. Terrible

 

[Nem]

Part of the reason I didn't flat out refuse taking the meds right then was they were making me feel very ill and didn't feel well enough to deal with any silent treatment that I was about to be subjected to. It was a very dark moment and one that I paid dearly for, I should've just stopped them and pretended to take them...I was surprised she would even demand I keep taking them, shocked was more like it. The Dr I had was very careless and would just leave people on meds, not a very skilled Dr that had numerous complaints against them. So many people have been messed up with meds it's unbelievable

 

[Circles]

Part of the reason I didn't flat out refuse taking the meds right then was they were making me feel very ill and didn't feel well enough to deal with any silent treatment that I was about to be subjected to. It was a very dark moment and one that I paid dearly for, I should've just stopped them and pretended to take them...I was surprised she would even demand I keep taking them, shocked was more like it. The Dr I had was very careless and would just leave people on meds, not a very skilled Dr that had numerous complaints against them. So many people have been messed up with meds it's unbelievable

Damn, seriously fuck that doctor. Did you file a complaint for malpractice or anything? I'm sorry you had to go through that.

 

[Nem]

Right after it happened I stopped taking all of my meds which included alprazolam. I was so freaked out from the reaction I just figured to stop everything at once. Even though I was messed up the next day, it wasn't as bad as the withdrawals that were about to happen. I even told the Dr I stopped everything and he never checked my chart to point out I would go through massive withdrawals. I started getting really sick and didnt realize it was withdrawals, not sure why but there was a lot going on at once and I never thought of it. My therapist recommended suing the Dr and after meeting with a lawyer my fiance threatened break up if I sued, again I was shocked that she wasn't on my side. I caught the Dr changing his notes and then I was dropped as a patient. I've yet to file a complaint but it's in the works, there's more to this story, I feel like an idiot seeing how things unfolded. Stopping the alprazolam cold turkey was lethal, not sure why I did but the reaction was very severe...muscles even melted!

 

[Retched]

I feel like I'm at that point already but it doesn't seem to equate to me the severity of it. I'm scared of the pain of existing and the pain of hanging myself. I feel trapped and numb. Out of all this space in the universe and I'm right here trapped ready to kill my self. Pathetic.

Well I made it through another night, much to my dismay, I was just too tired to try anything. I'm in limbo and numb again.

 

[Trashcan]

The longer you live and the longer you've thought about it, the harder it is to overcome that pesky survival instinct.

 

[Jon86]

I've suffered enough. I just can't seem to execute the absolute last seconds. I can guarantee i've suffered more than millions who have ended their lives over the years. Perhaps, the difference is that my suffering has been long and constant, not sudden as sudden and intense. Also, unlike some I am riddled with guilt, if I didn't love and respect my family it would be a whole lot easier.

All it takes is one moment of madness/courage/clarity or whatever you want to call it. Plenty of people who haven't really 'suffered' that much in comparison to even the average person have ended their lives.

 

[Mr2005]

Some might say all problems are valid and they are but it doesn't mean they're equal

 

[worldexploder]

Our sick world wants to keep us alive and tortured apparently. I've been wanting to go for decades. I'm my case, the desires just keep getting stronger and stronger.

 

[starcrossedfate]

Me neither.

 

[ja15]

I feel the same