Venting I don't know what to do.

[Who am I?]

I've been trying to take my own life for a long time, and I have countless suicide notes, but I always back out because I'm afraid of failing and making things worse. Plus, I haven't done it yet for my mother's sake.

I feel pathetic for having had suicidal thoughts my whole life and for focusing on how to do it instead of thinking about what the hell I'm going to do with my life. I'm about to finish my college courses, which I enjoy, but I see myself hanging myself in the future because my suicidal thoughts are increasing and getting stronger.

I'm trying to seek professional help, but I'm not ready to tell my family (let alone my mom; I don't want to risk adding to the pressure on her health), and I certainly don't have time to go. Before, I could cope by turning to alcohol, taking sedatives, or escaping into TV shows I like, but that doesn't help me anymore.