Venting I don't know what to do

[Hel]

Hi and sorry if this post ends up being too long. I just need to vent and maybe some feedback, I don't even know.
I started to want CTB two years ago. A year ago I set a date: July 22 /of last year) but I didn't do it. I think about it and this year... But it's tomorrow and I won't be able to do it.
That's my problem: I don't have the guts to do it. For me, the ideal method would be N, in a hospital, with my organs removed at the montent of my death (I want them to be donated and saving people who really want to live) and that would be impossible unless I paid a doctor to do it (risking his career) and trusted him. Too complicated, I don't know how would I find somebody like this.

Being in a coma until some miracle happened and my reason to die would be solved (maybe if I'm about to die it happened, who knows, but I'm not the kind of girl who would fake it or risk her life just to grab attention) would be nice too, but again, impossible and side effects when I woke up would leave my brain seriously damaged.
Disappeaing, another beautiful option (related to the reason for the previous one, maybe in that way...). But how could I? I would be caught and sent to an hospital (the same if somebody discovered that I am suicidal). I am trapped here, in a nightmarish life.

What is my problem? Broken, VERY broken heart and the experience enough to know that I would never be enough to be with the person I love. It happened to me lots of times: unrequited love or relationships ending. Just normal life, yes, but the last two times were different. The one before the last heart breaking situation put me in the suicidal mode for the first time. The second one, the most recent, was the miracle I had been praying for (even if I'm agnostic). Life gave me something and took it from me at the next second. Big thing and small ones, for the last years and specially months. In several fields, but love is the most important for me. And I'm in love with someone, I supported this person (has problems with depression and anxiety too) with all my strenghts (even if I am depressed and anxious myself) and from one day to the following, I was "thrown to the garbage". No explanation, just ghosting. And this comes from an amazing person, one of the best I've ever knew. How awful I am that I am treated like sh*t for someone who is loving and caring? But I'm still in love. Even if I don't deserve this person, if after all I did, I was changed for some girl (or girls) from dating apps. Should I be furious? No. I deserve this. I wasn't good enough to deserve a chance. I am not and I will never be. So if before this I already wanted to CTB, imagine now. I am not willing to spend my whole life not having what I want and need, not having love (romantic love). For me, it is important. I rather be dead than living like this.

But... I don't want to hurt my family and friends. I feel guily because they have been supporting me for more than two years, since I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression but their love is not enough for me. I need something else. And I don't want to hurt them (as a matter of fact, I've told here before that if I could CTB, I would never write a letter and I would do everything to conceal that it was suicide). But how fair is this? Just to not making them suffer I have to suffer like this 24/7 for the rest of my life? I can't stand it.
If life showed me a little light and not took it from me at the following moment, just like it has been happening lately... But no, no miracles for this not good enough woman. Never. Just pain and suffering. I need to get out of here and I can't because I don't have the guts to do it and the more I read and the more I try to plan, the more I suffer because I know I will never be brave enough to end this.

Sorry for this enormous post.

 

[cryptic_cynic]

Don't be sorry. I can relate to a lot of your post. I also went through a devastating heartbreak fairly recently where I had someone in my life who genuinely understood and cared for me, only for a bizarre and ridiculous set of circumstances to force us apart. After so many years feeling so alone and unloved, I finally had a glimmer of hope when that person came into my life. But because the world is sick and twisted, things fell apart, and now I'm back in the throes of unrelenting, desperate loneliness. I just wanted one person in this world who could truly appreciate me for who I am, but no, apparently I'm not good enough to have even that. Just like I wasn't good enough to deserve a parent who didn't die on me in my childhood.

I, too, struggle with feeling like I don't have the guts to end it. I've been trapped in my excruciating existence for far too long because of fear. Perhaps my return to abject poverty and homelessness will be enough to shake me from my cowardice and inaction.

 

[oopswronglife]

People never need to apologize for long posts...our lives are not snippets and most of us could write novels. You haven't done anything wrong. People can really suck and in my situation at least people and their negligence and malice are 99% of my problems. They can also be the best thing about living, next to cats of course, and that's the rub. There is also the fact that another person cannot solve your internal demons and since relationships turn the responsibility and effort factor in your life up to 11 (for anyone who isn't a life sucking monster in it only for themselves) it often worsens things rather than helps them.

It's entirely normal to "not be able to end it" because its entirely abnormal to do so. We don't want it. We are pushed to it by pain. It's not failure or weakness to be stuck. It's human. I know that doesn't HELP when you feel trapped between the wall and the fire and I am sorry I don't have an answer for that part of it. I just hate seeing people internalize it as if its some defect in themselves. We all feel that way. It's not our "fault".

About people abandoning you and broken hearts. I have been there and what I finally realized is I didn't miss them, my heart wasn't broken over them, it was the idea I had of them and how I thought they felt about me. It doesn't take away the pain as betrayal hurts like nothing else, but it allowed me to move from pining away for some false idea to processing a bad person doing a bad thing. Nobody who treats you poorly or leaves you is ever worth your suffering no matter the ideal image of them you have painted in your head. There is enough heartbreak and loss in life connected to the good people who don't hurt us. I know its easier said than done, but try your best not to give your love to someone who doesn't deserve it and proved that to you by betraying you.

 

[Hel]

Don't be sorry. I can relate to a lot of your post. I also went through a devastating heartbreak fairly recently where I had someone in my life who genuinely understood and cared for me, only for a bizarre and ridiculous set of circumstances to force us apart. After so many years feeling so alone and unloved, I finally had a glimmer of hope when that person came into my life. But because the world is sick and twisted, things fell apart, and now I'm back in the throes of unrelenting, desperate loneliness. I just wanted one person in this world who could truly appreciate me for who I am, but no, apparently I'm not good enough to have even that. Just like I wasn't good enough to deserve a parent who didn't die on me in my childhood.

I, too, struggle with feeling like I don't have the guts to end it. I've been trapped in my excruciating existence for far too long because of fear. Perhaps my return to abject poverty and homelessness will be enough to shake me from my cowardice and inaction.

Thank you and sorry for your situation. It sucks when life gives us something and then took it away from us.
The feeling of not having the guts to do it and being trapped in this nightmare forever is what it's killing me.
As I said, I am an angnostic, but I wish a miracle for both of us (and more people in this forum) since sometimes it seems that "magic" is the only thing that can save us and probably doesn't exist. It sucks.

People never need to apologize for long posts...our lives are not snippets and most of us could write novels. You haven't done anything wrong. People can really suck and in my situation at least people and their negligence and malice are 99% of my problems. They can also be the best thing about living, next to cats of course, and that's the rub. There is also the fact that another person cannot solve your internal demons and since relationships turn the responsibility and effort factor in your life up to 11 (for anyone who isn't a life sucking monster in it only for themselves) it often worsens things rather than helps them.

It's entirely normal to "not be able to end it" because its entirely abnormal to do so. We don't want it. We are pushed to it by pain. It's not failure or weakness to be stuck. It's human. I know that doesn't HELP when you feel trapped between the wall and the fire and I am sorry I don't have an answer for that part of it. I just hate seeing people internalize it as if its some defect in themselves. We all feel that way. It's not our "fault".

About people abandoning you and broken hearts. I have been there and what I finally realized is I didn't miss them, my heart wasn't broken over them, it was the idea I had of them and how I thought they felt about me. It doesn't take away the pain as betrayal hurts like nothing else, but it allowed me to move from pining away for some false idea to processing a bad person doing a bad thing. Nobody who treats you poorly or leaves you is ever worth your suffering no matter the ideal image of them you have painted in your head. There is enough heartbreak and loss in life connected to the good people who don't hurt us. I know its easier said than done, but try your best not to give your love to someone who doesn't deserve it and proved that to you by betraying you.

Thank you a lot.
Well, in my case, I wasn't idealizing this person (my previous ex yes, well, no, when we were together we has awesome but after the break up he changed, not only with me but also his general personality). He is one of a kind and... I am not good enough. And I can't stand this. Not only for him (even if never having a chance with him makes me want to die) but also because this is my whole life: I can never have what I need. Sometimes life tricks me and make me believe that I can, and then it takes all from me (in a matter of weeks, days or even HOURS). It has been like this aways but the last seven months has been excesive. It's like life itself is telling me "quit, ctb and leave forever or your existence will keep being like this foreer". And I wish I could, because the perspective of...how much? 50 years more? 60? living like this... This is torture.

I don't know if I believe in Heaven and Hell but if Hell existed, I don't imagine it like a place full of fire and demons and all, but a "life" living our worst nightmares forever, but feeling too real. So sometimes I think I did it, that I killed myself and went there and this is my Hell. This torture isn't normal.

 

[Saga]

I know the feeling of this heartache currently in one right now...its hard thougj coz its LDR promised me the world but still left me...i feel like garbage,i tried to do everything i could but it wasnt only him..its really my life,how it is and how childhood shaped me,i was raped by my cousin at a young age,i was raped by several men when i ran away,i used sex to mask everything thinking it was love...i was blinded..growing up in a place where you beg for love and they dont give it to you...youre lucky your family supports you...i used to support my mom financially and it was never enough,i even got kicked out of the house,im thankful though my job is shitty i can have what i want...but sometimes the things we want the most are the things that is out of our reach...thats why for me the only thing right now is to ctb...im tired if trying ive been trying for 31 years

 

[Hel]

I know the feeling of this heartache currently in one right now...its hard thougj coz its LDR promised me the world but still left me...i feel like garbage,i tried to do everything i could but it wasnt only him..its really my life,how it is and how childhood shaped me,i was raped by my cousin at a young age,i was raped by several men when i ran away,i used sex to mask everything thinking it was love...i was blinded..growing up in a place where you beg for love and they dont give it to you...youre lucky your family supports you...i used to support my mom financially and it was never enough,i even got kicked out of the house,im thankful though my job is shitty i can have what i want...but sometimes the things we want the most are the things that is out of our reach...thats why for me the only thing right now is to ctb...im tired if trying ive been trying for 31 years

Thank you and sorry for your situation. You've had a thought life, it's normal that you feel like this. Childhood shapes us, I know and one of my problems in therapy is that I can't "go back" then. My therapist insists on looking for the origin of my problems there but even with techniques, I can't go "there", I'm too focused on the present and recent past. She says that when I talk about my childhood it seems like I am talking about a movie o someone else's life, that I'm completely disconnected of that... I guess I don't want to think about it. I don't remember bad experiences but who knows what may I've been repressing. But I don't wanna know it. My problems are the present and the future so we need to focus on that. At least your job lets you have things but you're right: Sometimes the things we want and need the most are out of our reach. It sucks. I understand you, I'm tired too and knowing that my life will keep getting worse makes me want to die right now.

 

[Saga]

Thank you and sorry for your situation. You've had a thought life, it's normal that you feel like this. Childhood shapes us, I know and one of my problems in therapy is that I can't "go back" then. My therapist insists on looking for the origin of my problems there but even with techniques, I can't go "there", I'm too focused on the present and recent past. She says that when I talk about my childhood it seems like I am talking about a movie o someone else's life, that I'm completely disconnected of that... I guess I don't want to think about it. I don't remember bad experiences but who knows what may I've been repressing. But I don't wanna know it. My problems are the present and the future so we need to focus on that. At least your job lets you have things but you're right: Sometimes the things we want and need the most are out of our reach. It sucks. I understand you, I'm tired too and knowing that my life will keep getting worse makes me want to die right now.

its tiring isnt it?i envy the fact that youve forgotten most of your childhood memories..if i could do that i would and continue on living...but my memories are crystalized...i still see it in my dreams from time to time..

 

[Hel]

its tiring isnt it?i envy the fact that youve forgotten most of your childhood memories..if i could do that i would and continue on living...but my memories are crystalized...i still see it in my dreams from time to time..

That's awful. Past is past and whenever we can got rided of a situation, that shouldn't be haunting us anymore. I'm sorry that that keeps happening to you

 

[Saga]

That's awful. Past is past and whenever we can got rided of a situation, that shouldn't be haunting us anymore. I'm sorry that that keeps happening to you

thats the main reason why i end up pushing away everyone who ever tried to love me..i dont do it on purpose but when happiness comes to me theres this alert button that triggers me to push them away and im tired of it...i wish i could forget my past...just one day will be good enough

 

[Hel]

thats the main reason why i end up pushing away everyone who ever tried to love me..i dont do it on purpose but when happiness comes to me theres this alert button that triggers me to push them away and im tired of it...i wish i could forget my past...just one day will be good enough

I'm sure you are good enough. And your past is not your fault, you should be allowed to forget it. I hope you can do it someday

 

[Hel]

I'm posting here again, I just need to vent.
I've been crying on the floor the whole day. I am still crying and I'll keep doing it until... I don't even know. Tomorrow I'll have to socialize so I'l have to hide it until the night.
I've been reading about methods too and then I cried more because I know I won't have the guts to do it, but I can't stand living. My heart is too broken and I imagine the worst always. I just needed a chance... And without that, I don't want to keep living. I am desperate, nothing else matters, nothing interests me anymore. I will have a big change in my life in a few days and I'm not strong enough to confrot it, I would kill myself then if I could, but I can't. I am at my worst right now and things keep getting worse. I need a miracle and I don't have it.

Thanks for reading.