Hello valuable Humans,
I finally feel like leaving. I carry these thoughts for 15 years now. But in all those years I had hope. For a year now all hope is lost. And I wonder: Is it time now?
A friend told me I have to hold on so I don't miss out of things get better. But I know now that they won't be better. I tried so hard. I got a fairly good engineering masters degree now but I can't get a job. I waited for the women I loved with everything I could possible give for 7 agonizing years just for her to marry someone else. I have always been alone since I fell in love with her. And I wonder now: What did I do wrong?
I tried everything. I didn't even fail completely yet somehow I never won. I fought through terrible depression, thoughts of death and the fear of living for all those years. I always pulled myself up although I really have chronic mental health problems. I've been in mental health institutions several times. And I always got up. Somehow I've always fought on believing life would someday get better. And now I am at a point where I see that it was all for nothing. I could have escaped all the pain and suffering but I made myself suffer in the belief that I would one day feel happiness. But happiness is not for all. Love is not for everyone. Some of us are meant to suffer. So I wonder:
Is it Time now? How do you know if it's time? My mental health is degraded so severely that just want to end the pain. But what if my friend is right? What if happiness is just around the corner? What if?
The absurdity of the human capability to endure through a concept we call hope.
Hope is what kept me all along. Not being happy. I never am. I suffer from borderline. I fear life. I fear my mind. I want things to be relaxing for once. I want the terror to stop. There are only two possible solutions:
Either a better life with some luck. But luck is rare and some people are just unlucky. Being unlucky is a terrible curse for the befallen. The tormented ones. Ones who may read this. The ones who will understand what I am trying to express. Destiny is a cruel creature and can only be slain by denying it its power. And that's the second way. Disarming life. Taking away the tools and weapons of the screaming goblins that haunt my fragile soul. I can't get myself to pick up the fight again. But I still wonder:
Is it time? I don't know. I can only guess. And there is only one way to find out.
I don't know what this post is. An expression of anxiety and hopelessness for sure. Maybe a goodbye. Maybe if hope is lost hope can be found in the salvation of death. I don't know anything but one thing:
Some of us suffer too much. And often times it's not even their fault. Some are just unlucky. And I wish the best for all the unlucky ones. May the lord have mercy on our souls.
I finally feel like leaving. I carry these thoughts for 15 years now. But in all those years I had hope. For a year now all hope is lost. And I wonder: Is it time now?
A friend told me I have to hold on so I don't miss out of things get better. But I know now that they won't be better. I tried so hard. I got a fairly good engineering masters degree now but I can't get a job. I waited for the women I loved with everything I could possible give for 7 agonizing years just for her to marry someone else. I have always been alone since I fell in love with her. And I wonder now: What did I do wrong?
I tried everything. I didn't even fail completely yet somehow I never won. I fought through terrible depression, thoughts of death and the fear of living for all those years. I always pulled myself up although I really have chronic mental health problems. I've been in mental health institutions several times. And I always got up. Somehow I've always fought on believing life would someday get better. And now I am at a point where I see that it was all for nothing. I could have escaped all the pain and suffering but I made myself suffer in the belief that I would one day feel happiness. But happiness is not for all. Love is not for everyone. Some of us are meant to suffer. So I wonder:
Is it Time now? How do you know if it's time? My mental health is degraded so severely that just want to end the pain. But what if my friend is right? What if happiness is just around the corner? What if?
The absurdity of the human capability to endure through a concept we call hope.
Hope is what kept me all along. Not being happy. I never am. I suffer from borderline. I fear life. I fear my mind. I want things to be relaxing for once. I want the terror to stop. There are only two possible solutions:
Either a better life with some luck. But luck is rare and some people are just unlucky. Being unlucky is a terrible curse for the befallen. The tormented ones. Ones who may read this. The ones who will understand what I am trying to express. Destiny is a cruel creature and can only be slain by denying it its power. And that's the second way. Disarming life. Taking away the tools and weapons of the screaming goblins that haunt my fragile soul. I can't get myself to pick up the fight again. But I still wonder:
Is it time? I don't know. I can only guess. And there is only one way to find out.
I don't know what this post is. An expression of anxiety and hopelessness for sure. Maybe a goodbye. Maybe if hope is lost hope can be found in the salvation of death. I don't know anything but one thing:
Some of us suffer too much. And often times it's not even their fault. Some are just unlucky. And I wish the best for all the unlucky ones. May the lord have mercy on our souls.
