I don't know what I'm doing anymore

[derpcel]

I keep cutting myself for no reason.
I started cutting when I was nine, started for attention and then continued for the rest of life. I've attempted recovery many times, I hit a 2 month milestone, but now I'm cutting again. not because I feel sad, not because I feel tired, not because I want to feel pain or even because I'm looking for atttention.
Recvery was great for me, I got much better, but my brain never lets me get better. I'm addicted to hurting myself... has this ever happened to anybody else?

 

[KILLING_POSSUM]

I was a month clean twice before. I know how hard it is to get clean and stay clean from SH, and I only started recently. I don't really do it for the pain or because of my sadness or tiredness anymore either, I simply do it because I feel like I have to, I'm sure it's the same for you. I started only around a year ago, and I did so because I wanted my suffering to feel valid. I wanted people to know that I was suffering. Maybe I started a little bit for the attention as well, maybe a lot, I'm not 100% sure, but I can't stop now. I don't think when anyone starts, they can truly stop. It's a cruel thing, SH. Once you get the feeling, you never want to go back. It messes with you. I heard one time that SH triggers the same part of your brain as opioids do, but I'm not sure if that's is totally true. A healthier alternative that did work for me a bit was flicking myself with a hair tie, or anything else that you have that you can flick yourself with, or scratching/lightly smacking your skin repeatedly. I wish the best of luck to you, stranger, truly.