Venting i don’t know if i want to recover

[favouriteworstnight]

i don't know what happened but my mom noticed i'm sad and decided i need to see a therapist and a psychiatrist. i'm worried, what if she found my rope? but i think she would talk to me if she did.

i'm so fucking tired of feeling like this for almost a year but i'm really ambivalent. i didn't want help but now that i'm being "forced" i could give it a chance. it's too soon to decide if it's going to be helpful or if i'm gonna actually take medication or just flush it. i don't want antidepressants again, they always stop working, maybe i'm bipolar or just resistant to it

i'm so confused, i thought i was leaving but now i don't know

 

[cakedog]

you don't sound like someone desperate to die just someone tired of living you can give recovery one last chance but yeah it sucks to be forced to get "help" against your will
not saying there's anything wrong with being tired of being alive btw it's a valid reason to ctb but idk maybe there's something for you
sorry if i misread your situation or if my post sounds like an empty platitude i'm not really good with words but just wanted to try something

 

[Sleeper System]

It should be your main priority not to allow your mom to find out anything in regards to your depression until you're ready. I can't begin to tell you how much worse you will feel if you put that burden on her. Be careful.