Venting I don't know if I really want to die

[Ani198]

My life sucks, I hate it. It would be so much easier just to lie down and never get up again. My parents drove me to cut, call me fat, isolate me from my friends and helplines, and hold things I care about over my head to get me to do what they want. Suicide genuinely looks like the best way out, and every time I think about ctb I feel this overwhelming peace.

But every time I think about that call to my boyfriend I break down. Taking the SN and then telling him I have an hour, maybe, to live terrifies me. I can't bear the thought of breaking his heart, but I don't want to suffer anymore. I'm torn, because I plan on going out on the 31st, but the thought of hurting him keeps me up sobbing at night.

 

[WornOutLife]

I know that feeling. I'm not sure about dying either.

The thing is, if you start worrying about the people you'll leave behind, you will probably never do it. At least, that's my conclusion.

It's okay to keep on living as long as you can find some way out. I'm trying to but it's so hard!

Anyway, wish you the best and hope you can finde peace somehow soon.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

I have that guilt too. Does he know?

 

[Makko]

If you don't know, then you're not ready.

Torturing yourself over other people's feelings won't make those people feel better and is not a service to them.

 

[Ani198]

I have that guilt too. Does he know?

No. He used to struggle with the same feelings, and I don't think I could face how disappointed he would be.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

It's not your fault you feel like this

 

[x~Sophia~x]

Is it possible for you to move out of the family home and house-share with friends or your boyfriend?

 

[CatabolicSeed]

How old are you? If your shitty parents are the driving force behind your suicidality, there are much easier ways to solve your problem. If you are underage or currently financially dependent, it would be far better to wait until you can move out / move in with your boyfriend.

 

[natsukashiii]

My life sucks, I hate it. It would be so much easier just to lie down and never get up again. My parents drove me to cut, call me fat, isolate me from my friends and helplines, and hold things I care about over my head to get me to do what they want. Suicide genuinely looks like the best way out, and every time I think about ctb I feel this overwhelming peace.

But every time I think about that call to my boyfriend I break down. Taking the SN and then telling him I have an hour, maybe, to live terrifies me. I can't bear the thought of breaking his heart, but I don't want to suffer anymore. I'm torn, because I plan on going out on the 31st, but the thought of hurting him keeps me up sobbing at night.

I'd like to ask what does SN mean and how did you acquire it? I'd like to try this method too

 

[Ani198]

I'd like to ask what does SN mean and how did you acquire it? I'd like to try this method too

Sodium Nitrate (NaNO2). There's a mega-thread on the site, and you should be able to find it on Amazon or eBay. Message me if you can't find it, though.

Is it possible for you to move out of the family home and house-share with friends or your boyfriend?

No, none of my friends are financially independent enough to start a home with, and rent is very far from cheap in my area. The only way I could think of to support myself is to sell my body, and that's a one-way ticket to STD-town.

 

[Scotty]

Sodium Nitrate (NaNO2). There's a mega-thread on the site, and you should be able to find it on Amazon or eBay. Message me if you can't find it, though.

No, none of my friends are financially independent enough to start a home with, and rent is very far from cheap in my area. The only way I could think of to support myself is to sell my body, and that's a one-way ticket to STD-town.

Sorry to correct you..it's Sodium Nitrite not Nitrate. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

 

[Shades of Grey]

If you're having reservations like this, I would urge you not to do it. Just because you have settled on a date and time doesn't mean that you have to follow through with it. Plans are not a contract.

It sounds like an abusive home environment is driving much of this for you, and I'm sorry you've had to experience that. I don't know how old you are, but there is an entire world outside of your parents' house. You owe it to yourself to experience it before making such a permanent decision.

You may find that once you are out from under their thumb, this isn't really what you want.

 

[Spitfire]

My life sucks, I hate it. It would be so much easier just to lie down and never get up again. My parents drove me to cut, call me fat, isolate me from my friends and helplines, and hold things I care about over my head to get me to do what they want. Suicide genuinely looks like the best way out, and every time I think about ctb I feel this overwhelming peace.

But every time I think about that call to my boyfriend I break down. Taking the SN and then telling him I have an hour, maybe, to live terrifies me. I can't bear the thought of breaking his heart, but I don't want to suffer anymore. I'm torn, because I plan on going out on the 31st, but the thought of hurting him keeps me up sobbing at night.

Do not count on having an hour. It could be minutes, and then you become incapacitated after drinking it.

 

[NodusTollens]

That's okay, love- you're allowed to have doubts. CTB isn't a easy decision to make. HUGS.

I can understand the guilt you're feeling, & why you want to speak with your bf; your compassion & love for him can be felt through your words.

I personally think it would be easier if you didn't contact you bf, as hard as that may be. Currently I'm in limbo & cannot CTB because of family, I truly want to CTB, instead I am support system for someone. I don't mind being supportive, it's just unfortunate that it's an obstacle.

I hope you're able to find the solution that words best for you, best of luck.