Venting I don't know how to manage the days.

[Livingvsdying25]

I don't know how to manage the days until I can manage to CTB...

Like yeah, I can stay faded on some bullshit but it takes a lot...

On days like this where I'm just... existing... I'm not depressed/distraught etc. I'm just ok.

I know right now I don't have the means to CTB. I'm not going to have it to prepare for a bit. So, I don't know what to focus on. If anything...

Can only keep me so faded/so distracted...

I'm aching. I'm aching to die and I'm aching to plan but if I'm aiming for something immediate it'll be impulsive. I can't handle pain nor do I think I can hurt myself enough to die. Bridges aren't an option.

I feel like I trap myself constantly... I want to take my life like yesterday...

I'm honestly not waiting for anything... there is nothing keeping h me around. Even environment-wise... while difficult it's 100% possible to CTB...

I just need the mindset to cross over. I need my head to connect more things bc I can never figure out a method...


I just need a do the research. Not easy... to CTB isn't easy either.


I keep thinking and thinking... I cannot settle on a method. Except I have...

Life pushes and pushes me to live and I have to ke1ep pushing1 back. Barly has the energy to then keep pushing to death. Stuck in limbo.

I refuse to end up locked up by any kind of mental health "support" so reaching out isn't an option anymore.


I dunno day today is killing me. When I realize the answers are all in front of me... I just want to find one and CTB.

Like it is hard to plan and think of waiting when I know there are more immediate methods but, knowing I will never be able to go through with it.

If I could, would've jumped years ago...

I just feel the drag of having been forced to live for years...


Monday is tmrw. I Gotta get my head together so I can keep.. "living" enough to move... but I don't care either way.

Enough has been taken from me.


I'm ready to go but, when...


When will I create space and research and execute...


Tbh my timeline is March. I don't think I can hold on that long. I am dunno.

Other than failing there's nothing to fear. If I failed I'd try again. I'm completely sick of being alive. It's overwhelming to have to "live" with these feelings.

I don't have anyone that I can talk to. Staff go home. Have lives. Professional isn't the same as personal. I have neither.

So, I apologize for all the posts lately but realizing how little I have in life... I'm ok with finding a little relief here.

I cut last week sometime... First time in like 3 yrs. It felt ok and gave me a line of what I needed. I take pride in reclaiming my body.

As warped as that sounds. Been tricked into being a recovery-based person. Never got to feel the despair I was going through.

-I wish I had a way out immediately.
-I wish I could share my thoughts with someone in real life. I wish there was help available in the meantime.

-I wish there was something to keep me here in the meantime but support my exit.

(I wish I was dead :(

 

[Sherri]

Going for a walk like 40mn with some music on helps me a bit. Going for long drives also helps me. Being near the ocean is my favourite. Good luck hun and a big hug

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Going for a walk like 40mn with some music on helps me a bit. Going for long drives also helps me. Beating near the ocean is my favourite. Good luck hun and a big hug

Thnxx I use my smoke breaks as a kinda energy reset so I get cha.

Used to walk but physically im not there anymore.

Music is my everything.

Thank you for the reply(ima go smoke break now :3

 

[Sherri]

Thnxx I use my smoke breaks as a kinda energy reset so I get cha.

Used to walk but physically im not there anymore.

Music is my everything.

Thank you for the reply(ima go smoke break now :3

No need to thank me, was just trying to help, seems like music must be a good thing yo help you with your days.