Venting I don’t have the courage

[lastch]

My situation is rough. I was hospitalised a few months ago from which I lost everything. Four months on, I have no job, have dropped out of college, have no friends and can barely face family. I rarely leave the house and spend most of my days lying in bed crying and replaying everything that has happened in my head. I am in so much pain and I don't see how my situation can ever improve.

I want to CTB and not have to feel this pain anymore yet I can't bring myself to do it. I have researched methods and found solace in scrolling through this forum. I am, however, in fear of not having the courage to CTB. I fear living on into next month never mind the next few years. Everyday I wake up, I have panic attacks when I snap back to the reality of my life after the distraction of sleep. Everyday I wake up is a continuation of a never ending nightmare.

One of the things I'm most in fear of is failing and ending up being hospitalised again. I can't imagine putting myself through that trauma again. I also fear failing and ending up in a worse state than I am now and never being able to CTB.

Another reason I think I am so hesitant to CTB is the meds I'm on. I'm on a strong dose of lithium and olanzapine (anti-psychotic). They sometimes have a numbing or sedative effect. Sometimes I'd be distracted for awhile and partially forget my situation and feel normal. Then the pain of what my life has succumbed to rushes back and I feel the pain all over again.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that the old me and the life I had is gone. Hopefully I will find the courage to CTB as everyday my pain worsens and I become more and more reclusive.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've suffered a lot, it really is so cruel to me how there's all this suffering, I understand just wanting to be free from all the pain. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Roadrunner]

Many of us don't have the courage, your not alone when it comes to that. Most days I hope I can find it in me to CTB, but obviously I haven't yet.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

My situation is similar. It's evil beyond words these monsters put all of us in this horrible trap where we can't hire someone to assist us in suicide or to do it for us .

So we have to defeat si and try a risky diy suicide method to escape extreme torture . We have to risk brain damage to escape extreme torture. This is the horrible situation many are in . They did it to us in purpose to keep us slaves.

They made hiring someone else to assist u in suicide a crime. This is the horrible prison trap called life everyone praises all the time. To all those praising life Good luck with that at age 90

They made nembutal, suicide booths etc crimes . They even put fences an nets in bridges to keep people suffering extremely in this evil prison world knowing we are all going to die anyway.

 

[lastch]

I

Many of us don't have the courage, you're not alone when it comes to that. Most days I hope I can find it in me to CTB, but obviously I haven't yet.

It's a terrifying thought that we'll be stuck in this existence

 

[BlackEyedDog]

My situation is rough. I was hospitalised a few months ago from which I lost everything. Four months on, I have no job, have dropped out of college, have no friends and can barely face family. I rarely leave the house and spend most of my days lying in bed crying and replaying everything that has happened in my head. I am in so much pain and I don't see how my situation can ever improve.

I want to CTB and not have to feel this pain anymore yet I can't bring myself to do it. I have researched methods and found solace in scrolling through this forum. I am, however, in fear of not having the courage to CTB. I fear living on into next month never mind the next few years. Everyday I wake up, I have panic attacks when I snap back to the reality of my life after the distraction of sleep. Everyday I wake up is a continuation of a never ending nightmare.

One of the things I'm most in fear of is failing and ending up being hospitalised again. I can't imagine putting myself through that trauma again. I also fear failing and ending up in a worse state than I am now and never being able to CTB.

Another reason I think I am so hesitant to CTB is the meds I'm on. I'm on a strong dose of lithium and olanzapine (anti-psychotic). They sometimes have a numbing or sedative effect. Sometimes I'd be distracted for awhile and partially forget my situation and feel normal. Then the pain of what my life has succumbed to rushes back and I feel the pain all over again.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that the old me and the life I had is gone. Hopefully I will find the courage to CTB as everyday my pain worsens and I become more and more reclusive.

You're not alone, it is a difficult decision to ctb. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I know hard it can be to feel like everything is lost. You know you needed to take a break, but another part of you beats yourself up for doing so. When now u really need to be kind to yourself, regroup and just focus on getting better. Accept that you needed to do this for yourself. You can return to college and when you do you'll be in so much better shape. Good friends stick around and there are more friends to make. Maybe you can even look for a PT/FT job after some time off to get you out of the house.

 

[malevolentdiety]

My situation is rough. I was hospitalised a few months ago from which I lost everything. Four months on, I have no job, have dropped out of college, have no friends and can barely face family. I rarely leave the house and spend most of my days lying in bed crying and replaying everything that has happened in my head. I am in so much pain and I don't see how my situation can ever improve.

I want to CTB and not have to feel this pain anymore yet I can't bring myself to do it. I have researched methods and found solace in scrolling through this forum. I am, however, in fear of not having the courage to CTB. I fear living on into next month never mind the next few years. Everyday I wake up, I have panic attacks when I snap back to the reality of my life after the distraction of sleep. Everyday I wake up is a continuation of a never ending nightmare.

One of the things I'm most in fear of is failing and ending up being hospitalised again. I can't imagine putting myself through that trauma again. I also fear failing and ending up in a worse state than I am now and never being able to CTB.

Another reason I think I am so hesitant to CTB is the meds I'm on. I'm on a strong dose of lithium and olanzapine (anti-psychotic). They sometimes have a numbing or sedative effect. Sometimes I'd be distracted for awhile and partially forget my situation and feel normal. Then the pain of what my life has succumbed to rushes back and I feel the pain all over again.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that the old me and the life I had is gone. Hopefully I will find the courage to CTB as everyday my pain worsens and I become more and more reclusive.

Do you have backup method in case of failure?

 

[Marco77]

This is proof that there is no such thing as free will.

 

[lastch]

Do you have backup method in case of failure?

My plan is partial hanging. I have an opportunity to do it on Sunday but I fear I won't be able to. My backup after that is SN.

 

[lastch]

This is proof that there is no such thing as free will.

It's tortuous not wanting to be here but not having the courage to see it through

 

[malevolentdiety]

My plan is partial hanging. I have an opportunity to do it on Sunday but I fear I won't be able to. My backup after that is SN.

I wish you the best whatever you decide.

 

[be or not to be]

I wish you the best

 

[pariah80]

It does take courage to ctb. I'm sorry for the pain and stress you're dealing with. I wish you nothing but the best on your journey, no matter what you decide to do.

 

[TransfemCutter]

I wish you the best and that if you decide that CTB is right for you, that you find the courage you need and have a safe, and peaceful passing.

 

[guitarsteve]

My situation is rough. I was hospitalised a few months ago from which I lost everything. Four months on, I have no job, have dropped out of college, have no friends and can barely face family. I rarely leave the house and spend most of my days lying in bed crying and replaying everything that has happened in my head. I am in so much pain and I don't see how my situation can ever improve.

I want to CTB and not have to feel this pain anymore yet I can't bring myself to do it. I have researched methods and found solace in scrolling through this forum. I am, however, in fear of not having the courage to CTB. I fear living on into next month never mind the next few years. Everyday I wake up, I have panic attacks when I snap back to the reality of my life after the distraction of sleep. Everyday I wake up is a continuation of a never ending nightmare.

One of the things I'm most in fear of is failing and ending up being hospitalised again. I can't imagine putting myself through that trauma again. I also fear failing and ending up in a worse state than I am now and never being able to CTB.

Another reason I think I am so hesitant to CTB is the meds I'm on. I'm on a strong dose of lithium and olanzapine (anti-psychotic). They sometimes have a numbing or sedative effect. Sometimes I'd be distracted for awhile and partially forget my situation and feel normal. Then the pain of what my life has succumbed to rushes back and I feel the pain all over again.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that the old me and the life I had is gone. Hopefully I will find the courage to CTB as everyday my pain worsens and I become more and more reclusive.

At least you have family. I hope you can lean on that. please try.