For some context : I am currently 19, living in Europe, next year I'm going to college. I've been under psychiatric and therapeutic care since 2019 and I've been hospitalized multiple times.
I'm writing this post at 5am in the morning after a sleepless night filled to the brim with resignation, despair and the desire to die. I have no one to vent to so I decided to write down my thoughts here :
I will never be healthy, no matter what I do my brain will never function like a healthy person's organ. When it comes down to human psyche it's just like with a porcelain teacup, if it breaks it is possible to glue it back together however it will never return to the state from before being broken. I've undergone the cycle of breaking and gluing back together the teacup more times than I could wish for my worst enemy. My teacup hurts the lips of anyone trying to drink from it and any liquid inside it leaks and drips down the arm of anyone who's trying to drink from it. What is the point of having and using such a teacup? Does its' owner keep it because he lies to himself that it is still useful or is it because he can't let go of the idea of that teacup, of what it once had been? The second reason I can understand well, I myself cling to the idea of normal life and functioning normally whilst i know well that I am not compatible with it in any way, yet I can't let go of this idea. I keep on asking myself why I cannot live like a normal person if the vast majority of humanity has been healthy mentally for thousands of years? What does that make me, a being lesser than a human if biologically I'm of the same race yet I cannot function like a normal homo sapiens. I've recently talked to such a normal person and he told me that he never had any suicidal thoughts and never dreamt of being killed in an accident or by another human. For me the concept of living this way is too abstract to comprehend. After all ever since the earliest moments of my life that I can remember I've been having such thoughts. I remember walking home from primary school and stopping whenever a car was about to drive by and trying to overcome my fear to jump in front of the car, that is one of the earliest memories I have. I heavily regret that all my suicide attempts failed... I've survived multiple overdoses on many drugs, including an OD deep in a forest in the middle of a freezing winter. I even survived thrusting a goddamn knife between my ribs... I curse my body for its' resilience. Sadly I have a feeling I will live a long painful life I just hope that I will never father any children so they won't receive my messed up genes and won't have to go through all the suffering also I hope that the amounts of alcohol and other substances I consume will shorten my life considerably...
I'm writing this post at 5am in the morning after a sleepless night filled to the brim with resignation, despair and the desire to die. I have no one to vent to so I decided to write down my thoughts here :
I will never be healthy, no matter what I do my brain will never function like a healthy person's organ. When it comes down to human psyche it's just like with a porcelain teacup, if it breaks it is possible to glue it back together however it will never return to the state from before being broken. I've undergone the cycle of breaking and gluing back together the teacup more times than I could wish for my worst enemy. My teacup hurts the lips of anyone trying to drink from it and any liquid inside it leaks and drips down the arm of anyone who's trying to drink from it. What is the point of having and using such a teacup? Does its' owner keep it because he lies to himself that it is still useful or is it because he can't let go of the idea of that teacup, of what it once had been? The second reason I can understand well, I myself cling to the idea of normal life and functioning normally whilst i know well that I am not compatible with it in any way, yet I can't let go of this idea. I keep on asking myself why I cannot live like a normal person if the vast majority of humanity has been healthy mentally for thousands of years? What does that make me, a being lesser than a human if biologically I'm of the same race yet I cannot function like a normal homo sapiens. I've recently talked to such a normal person and he told me that he never had any suicidal thoughts and never dreamt of being killed in an accident or by another human. For me the concept of living this way is too abstract to comprehend. After all ever since the earliest moments of my life that I can remember I've been having such thoughts. I remember walking home from primary school and stopping whenever a car was about to drive by and trying to overcome my fear to jump in front of the car, that is one of the earliest memories I have. I heavily regret that all my suicide attempts failed... I've survived multiple overdoses on many drugs, including an OD deep in a forest in the middle of a freezing winter. I even survived thrusting a goddamn knife between my ribs... I curse my body for its' resilience. Sadly I have a feeling I will live a long painful life I just hope that I will never father any children so they won't receive my messed up genes and won't have to go through all the suffering also I hope that the amounts of alcohol and other substances I consume will shorten my life considerably...
