Venting I don’t hate my life I hate myself

[geo]

I've been depressed for a while but my life isn't necessarily the reason. It's not like my family hates me or I don't have the means to live. I have friends and a family and everything I could possibly want, but that's not the problem. I hate me. I hate the way I look, the way I act, basically just my whole personality. At first I never understood why I felt like this, but now I realise that it's just who I am I guess.

I used to have hope about getting better if things were changing in my life like less school or getting something I've wanted for a while. But nothing changed and I got caught on a downward spiral. I wish I could fix myself and change my outlook on things but it seems impossible. The fact that I hear voices makes it worse but even on my meds I have negative thoughts and feelings. I just wish I fit into the life I have. What I mean by that is functioning normally and embracing what I have. But I just don't think I'm meant to be here. I don't deserve what I'm given.
Does anyone else feel this way?

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

Dissociation with the way you perceive yourself is sadly very common and not always related to body dysmorphia or self hatred. I don't even realistically think you may be aware of it, but you shared you hate yourself, but could you mean you just hate how you view yourself in general? They seem similar but aren't truly the same.

Also, I am deeply sorry you struggle so badly that you have voices in your head conditioning you into how you perceive eyourself further. That's so unfair how life is... especially when things just don't go out right in our favor.

I don't know how you were born in your life, but I can understand the pressure to fit in or feel like you belong, and it's a shame this world has done this to us this badly that no one will ever fully fit in into a mold they cant be in. It's not just you... I think many people have those attributes where they wish to be inclined somewhere... I think you may have some type of imposture syndrome that is correlated with some form of identity disorder with body dysmorphia attachments, but I can not give you a diagnosis... and sadly the world is full of scumbags who don't know how to truly process people's traumas properly... :((

I wish to give you a deep tight hug

There, there, you deserve to feel loved right as you are, and I believe you are perfect... you need to create your own environment where you need to find an identity of your own, and someday, it will happen when you see yourself for what you are first and not how others perceive you to be!

 

[squidsponge]

Yes I understand what you mean. Self rejection can be difficult to live with. Esp when your thoughts keep becoming increasingly convincing and reach a point you feel like is of no return.
You deserve what you have! don't validate those thoughts to the point they materialize just observe them.

My self rejection stems from trauma from other people that makes me believe I belong in the grave.
I watched a yt video today on this. I'm not sure how to break the cycle. But one of the things was doing sth small for the self each day. Just one small thing truly for you as you know yourself. Today, for me it was getting and wearing pink socks.