Venting I don't feel human.

[obsoletewreck]

The past few years have been painful. I feel I've been a failure in terms of being human. I go to parties and stuff on a regular basis since last year, I talk to many people and have friends, yet still, I'm so, so lonely. Still, wake up to find myself tired, unmotivated, and inevitably contemplating ctb every single day. I spend most nights wide awake, all alone in my room in the dark criticizing myself for who I've become and how disappointed my mom would be. Trying to figure out what's wrong with me.
I always feel out of place. Surrounded or alone, I always have the feeling that I'm not "humaning as i should", that I'm doing something wrong, missing something. I just don't know what that "something" is, nor how to find it, so how am I meant to fix a problem that I cant find? Like reading a book you don't have, it just isn't possible. Only one thing I could and can think of to solve my unsolvable problem: death. It would allow it to no longer be my impossible solution to find.
Thus, 6 ctb attempts, 6 failures.
I know there are people who care about me, regardless of the list being limited to my sister and best friend since 8th Grade that i call my brother, they do love me. With my sister, though we fight often and intensely for little things, we always make up, and for my brother we never have fought, ever, and he's always been there for me at my lowests when he could. So I feel unworthy.
I know that I don't deserve their love.
That they should treat me just as my father and other 3 siblings do.
That they deserve someone better, more stable, stronger, who they'd love and be loved by without the fear of waking up one day to find them gone without a goodbye.
Someone with ambitions, hopes, dreams. Someone with something to live for. Someone that will live for "it", be "it" a cause, person, thing, whatever, they deserve someone that will work towards it, fight for it, and refuse to fail until they get it, and for as long as I can remember I've done nothing but try my very best to be that person.
I was once that person and he was unbelievable. He was truly happy.
For as long as I've lived, I've hated myself for never having been able to be worthy, be as good as that person again.

 

[SmollMushroom]

Honestly I don't think you should be guilty at all for... what? What do you feel guilty for? Not humaning as you should?
What does even that mean?
Also you have people that love you, so you must been doing something good. Why would they love you otherwise? I think you're being too hard on yourself.
Maybe you're worrying too much. Also it's not up to your relatives to decide if you have to be ambicious, hopeful and whatso. It's up to you, and if you don't feel that way, that's ok. It looks like they put you under a lot of stress.
Just my opinion tho. Best of luck!

 

[R_N]

I always felt I crashed like a meteor on earth and since childhood I felt out of place.

Even a friend I can tell everything to feels like a different specie to me lol.

And I can relate forcing myself doing average things and not enjoying it. I feel that did me more bad than good in the long run. It also sucked not being able to be myself around everyone because they found everything I say shocking.

Being chameleon is exhausting and torture. This is why I feel best isolated or isolated with people I can be comfortable and open with. If I am accepted as I am I can chill.

 

[sserafim]

The past few years have been painful. I feel I've been a failure in terms of being human. I go to parties and stuff on a regular basis since last year, I talk to many people and have friends, yet still, I'm so, so lonely. Still, wake up to find myself tired, unmotivated, and inevitably contemplating ctb every single day. I spend most nights wide awake, all alone in my room in the dark criticizing myself for who I've become and how disappointed my mom would be. Trying to figure out what's wrong with me.
I always feel out of place. Surrounded or alone, I always have the feeling that I'm not "humaning as i should", that I'm doing something wrong, missing something. I just don't know what that "something" is, nor how to find it, so how am I meant to fix a problem that I cant find? Like reading a book you don't have, it just isn't possible. Only one thing I could and can think of to solve my unsolvable problem: death. It would allow it to no longer be my impossible solution to find.
Thus, 6 ctb attempts, 6 failures.
I know there are people who care about me, regardless of the list being limited to my sister and best friend since 8th Grade that i call my brother, they do love me. With my sister, though we fight often and intensely for little things, we always make up, and for my brother we never have fought, ever, and he's always been there for me at my lowests when he could. So I feel unworthy.
I know that I don't deserve their love.
That they should treat me just as my father and other 3 siblings do.
That they deserve someone better, more stable, stronger, who they'd love and be loved by without the fear of waking up one day to find them gone without a goodbye.
Someone with ambitions, hopes, dreams. Someone with something to live for. Someone that will live for "it", be "it" a cause, person, thing, whatever, they deserve someone that will work towards it, fight for it, and refuse to fail until they get it, and for as long as I can remember I've done nothing but try my very best to be that person.
I was once that person and he was unbelievable. He was truly happy.
For as long as I've lived, I've hated myself for never having been able to be worthy, be as good as that person again.

I don't feel human either. I've always felt like an alien on this earth, and that I don't belong here. I think it's due to my neurodivergence but I've always felt like an imposter, just someone pretending to be human. I'm honestly just mimicking and copying other people and doing what they do. I honestly don't think that I'm fit or meant to be a human, I've failed at being one.

I'm a failure as well, and I don't have any hopes, dreams, or ambitions. I don't see a future for myself, and I don't want one either. I've failed at adulthood and adulting. My life has been horrible ever since college. Adult life is a bunch of things that I don't want to but am expected to do, and I've failed at it already. I failed to launch but I didn't even want to launch, I was forced to.

I always felt I crashed like a meteor on earth and since childhood I felt out of place.

Even a friend I can tell everything to feels like a different specie to me lol.

And I can relate forcing myself doing average things and not enjoying it. I feel that did me more bad than good in the long run. It also sucked not being able to be myself around everyone because they found everything I say shocking.

Being chameleon is exhausting and torture. This is why I feel best isolated or isolated with people I can be comfortable and open with. If I am accepted as I am I can chill.

Literally! I feel the exact same way. However I feel best isolated and not with or around any people at all

 

[obsoletewreck]

Why would they love you otherwise?

That's exactly what troubles me so much. Since all my mind does is tell me they shouldn't, I find myself doubting that they really do. That maybe they're just saying things so I won't ctb. I believe in them, I believe they love me, I just don't understand why they would. Knowing they deserve better and can find better but stick with me, it's just so confusing, so frustrating.

I always felt I crashed like a meteor on earth and since childhood I felt out of place.

Even a friend I can tell everything to feels like a different specie to me lol.

Word for word everything you said struck my heart man cuz same. Even my best friend who I trust and love above all else, even if I know he's got problems of his own, I still feel like he and everyone else just know something that I don't, that they got some kind of guide or cheat code to this world.

And I can relate forcing myself doing average things and not enjoying it. I feel that did me more bad than good in the long run. It also sucked not being able to be myself around everyone because they found everything I say shocking.

Being chameleon is exhausting and torture. This is why I feel best isolated or isolated with people I can be comfortable and open with. If I am accepted as I am I can chill.

This too, word for word. Convincing myself that if I do the things other people like and act the way they do, that I'll eventually be able to build connections and feel human, but there's just too much. Too many things I either don't understand, don't like or don't meet the requirements for.
Wasted so much time trying to be someone people would like, only to fail anyways and forget who I really am.

And 2nd part, 100% agree. the friend I mentioned, he's in a different country rn but he's the only person I didn't cover my scars around. The only person in a long while to know me as I am and love me for it regardless.

I'm honestly just mimicking and copying other people and doing what they do.

As literally as possible, my exact feelings.

Adult life is a bunch of things that I don't want to but am expected to do, and I've failed at it already

word for word. I've just been so tired for so long, keep getting told to "stay strong", that "things'll get better", but they aren't. And I'm running out of strength.