Venting 1. E4 E5

[remunerated_exetrix]

This is just for me. I'm not looking for help or advise on how to do anything. I just want a collection of my thoughts in case something were to happen to me and someone wants more answers. Spoiler warning: it is nothing special and will leave you with more questions than answers. There is nothing I could say or write that would make my passing more bearable. There is no question I could answer that would make me leaving okay with you. It's a shitty thing I've done to myself and there's nothing more to it. You now must live with the passing of myself, and I am sorry for that. I am sorry for being such a selfish person to do something so inconsiderate of the people who love me the most. I genuinely mean this. I understand, in leaving, that I am taking away a person my friends and family love. For that, there is no solace I can bring to you other than saying I'm sorry. I hope you can understand and forgive me, but I also understand if you don't. Either way, I hope you continue on and continue to do well for yourselves and find happiness in a beautiful life. I love you.

As far as the people on this site are concerned, I really have no interested in interacting with this site other than to document my own thoughts. I thank you for allowing me to express myself without complete censorship. Other than that, I have mixed feeling about a place like this, but I will keep my thoughts to myself.

1. E4 E5
I am just a depressed human. Nothing more. I have this horrible feedback loop where when the meter hits a certain level it goes off and I say to myself "Hey, you should kill yourself." This creates my negative feedback loop of sadness. Any imperfection, error, or lack of accomplishment is amplified to justify suicide.
Anyone can rationalize suicide by doing this. No one is perfect. It's what makes us human. My problem is now that I know this happens how do I defeat this mechanism that is now subconscious to me? The answer is pretty simple, but insurmountable for someone like me. Time and effort. I have plenty of time, but I have zero motivation. Maybe I just need a change in attitude, but no matter what I do it will be a battle. I've already lost this battle in my mind. It doesn't help when my life seems to be hanging on by an invisible thread that could snap at any moment, changing the course of my life.
I've always told myself a change needed to be made or it will change for me. I guess I never realized that I don't have to change. I can continue to fall till I die.
So here I am again. I need to change, but lets be honest this time; it's never going to happen.

 

[arrythmia]

I relate to you a lot, especially your last paragraph. I've pretty much predicted my life, i knew that in time, I'll hit a wall and completely lose it. I can't get over it, through it, below it, or get around it. I can't change, i don't have the energy or motivation to do so. No matter how much i understand and think. It doesn't make a difference, I've always knew the answer. It's just that i can't act. It's miserable to be alive, existence is terrifying, cruel and unbearable.
I hope it works out for you, i wish you the best.

 

[Bikishii]

Doesn't matter if it's "nothing special" or not, even if this website is more like a somewhat open and uncensored "journal" of a way, something for you to put out for yourself and possibly for others to see when you're gone. I think that's just as good a reason to be here and post things like this as any other. Thank you for sharing this, really. I hear and understand that pain you're talking about. I really hope you're able to feel better and to truly be at peace, whatever you've got to do to get there, and whatever peace looks like for you.

 

[remunerated_exetrix]

2. Nc3 Nf6

For a moment there, it was pure bliss. I felt complete. I felt as though I had figured it out. I told myself "I wish I could feel like this all the time." I was just in a wonderful mood. Now I'm back at neutral again, waiting for the impending doom. Even going from pure bliss to neutral makes you feel not so good. It makes you feel like something is wrong. Why are you not happy all the time? Why can't I feel good all the time? What is wrong? There is nothing wrong, nothing has changed, I just became content with the position I was in and it made me feel good. Now that feeling is gone and neutral is not a natural state for me to be in. I look for a problem to solve. There are a lot of things I could be doing better. I could be doing better for myself financially, physically, or mentally. I try to focus on what I can do better. The chores that will improve me. The problem is there is no reward for myself for doing these things. I do it and feel nothing. I don't feel better, I don't feel accomplished, I don't feel happier doing any of these things. I just do them because I know I should. That's really the crux of my problem. My reward center is completely fucked up.

I probably have bi-polar disorder. I've known this for a while now. I have always been prone to really quick emotional changes. And the intensity of some of these emotions are completely unreasonable. Very simple, very minor inconveniences can frustrate me to the point of hurting myself to relieve the pressure. Punching shit I shouldn't punch basically.
Even seeing this now, the last time I was here was on April 9th. Two weeks later, and I'm back. This is actually pretty enlightening to me. Two weeks before I'm back to despair. It always makes me feel a little better about myself making discoveries like this. They are important. If I can calculate even further when exactly or what exactly might cause these things to happen to me, I will be on the gravy train of actually getting better. These are the chores that I enjoy doing. The only problem now is I don't have enough time to get where I need to be mentally to get where I need to be financially. What a paradox.

I just wish things were simple again. Everything feels like it's a xerox of a xerox. Everything has been so deeply broken down, you need to have a degree in electrical engineering to work an app on your phone. I don't mind things being complicated. It just feels like things are complicated for no other reason than to be complicated so you can't understand it. I guess nothing is ever as simple as it really seems, but I feel like things are definitely more convoluted than ever before. It makes me want to quit. If I had nothing to lose, I would. But I guess I still have a little fight left in me. I'm not sure how much left, but I will keep trying. I hope you do the same.

I hope you guys don't find peace in misery. I hope you find hope in living, and fight for it till your very last breath. That's what it means to be alive.