pinkywinkydinky
🎀
- May 31, 2024
- 15
I've finalised my plan and got everything I needed and now I'm counting down. I just have some thoughts I want to get out and document that I can't talk to anyone else about for obvious reasons. I am not expecting a response of any kind, writing things and having it be known is just very therapeutic
I know for certain my death will inconvenience everyone and everything. My family won't know how to handle it, it'll add onto some financial burden we are facing, it'll interfere with us moving, and it'll mess with the start of school for my little sister. My friends will also have to be informed and they will be affected. I am very close with a lot of people. I am abandoning multiple leadership positions and multiple plans I have promised. I am leaving on bad terms with my favourite person and I know they're going to feel that it's their fault and it's gonna eat them up.
I don't feel guilty about it. I love everyone and I am loved by everyone, but it isn't enough for me to consider staying. In the past I for sure worried (which is interesting because I didn't have close relationships in the past and haven't enjoyed my life as I do now, so I don't know why having reasons to stay is making me less guilty). However, all I've been thinking about lately is how it wont matter because I'll be dead. I know nobody's emotions for certain other than my own, so why spend time worrying about what I don't know?
I definitely feel like an asshole, but it doesn't come with that sense of guilt. It comes as a trade off for what I'm going to do that I've already accepted. The only thing I'm doing to maybe ease the asshole factor is giving everyone a shared photo album of every picture I've ever taken of them, as I'm known for being really sentimental about photos and I take so much and keep them to myself. I'm hoping they know I was thinking of them, even if it didn't stop me
I know for certain my death will inconvenience everyone and everything. My family won't know how to handle it, it'll add onto some financial burden we are facing, it'll interfere with us moving, and it'll mess with the start of school for my little sister. My friends will also have to be informed and they will be affected. I am very close with a lot of people. I am abandoning multiple leadership positions and multiple plans I have promised. I am leaving on bad terms with my favourite person and I know they're going to feel that it's their fault and it's gonna eat them up.
I don't feel guilty about it. I love everyone and I am loved by everyone, but it isn't enough for me to consider staying. In the past I for sure worried (which is interesting because I didn't have close relationships in the past and haven't enjoyed my life as I do now, so I don't know why having reasons to stay is making me less guilty). However, all I've been thinking about lately is how it wont matter because I'll be dead. I know nobody's emotions for certain other than my own, so why spend time worrying about what I don't know?
I definitely feel like an asshole, but it doesn't come with that sense of guilt. It comes as a trade off for what I'm going to do that I've already accepted. The only thing I'm doing to maybe ease the asshole factor is giving everyone a shared photo album of every picture I've ever taken of them, as I'm known for being really sentimental about photos and I take so much and keep them to myself. I'm hoping they know I was thinking of them, even if it didn't stop me
