i dont feel guilty anymore

[OutOfTheVoid]

i felt really bad about my suicidal ideation and all my light attempts, bc i dont want to hurt my gf with grief if i were to ctb. i also recently relapsed on drugs and self-harm, and i felt bad about that too bc i had promised my gf i wouldnt do those things

but then for a few days (after i took 300mg of robotabs) i was guilt-free and shameless. but as the dissociation of the afterglow dissipated the guilt and shame started returning and that just made me want to ctb even more

i believed i had to continue living for my gf, to stick around to support her and make her happy. ive been doing that for a while, but i dont think i can anymore. my ability to do anything at all, even for myself, has been rapidly deteriorating. theres been this thought in the back of my head that "im not obligated to live for others. if the suffering of life is too much to bear, i shouldnt be forced to live".

now, ever since i found this site, i dont feel guilty or ashamed anymore. at all, for anything. not even just for wanting to ctb or for relapsing. sure i still feel guilty for other shit, but i dont feel guilty for decisions i make with my own body. i dont want to hurt anyone else, but i want to hurt myself. is that wrong? should i feel guilty for breaking my promises? i dont think so. guilt hurts. i shouldnt have to hurt

i felt really bad about my suicidal ideation and all my light attempts, bc i dont want to hurt my gf with grief if i were to ctb. i also recently relapsed on drugs and self-harm, and i felt bad about that too bc i had promised my gf i wouldnt do those things

but then for a few days (after i took 300mg of robotabs) i was guilt-free and shameless. but as the dissociation of the afterglow dissipated the guilt and shame started returning and that just made me want to ctb even more

i believed i had to continue living for my gf, to stick around to support her and make her happy. ive been doing that for a while, but i dont think i can anymore. my ability to do anything at all, even for myself, has been rapidly deteriorating. theres been this thought in the back of my head that "im not obligated to live for others. if the suffering of life is too much to bear, i shouldnt be forced to live".

now, ever since i found this site, i dont feel guilty or ashamed anymore. at all, for anything. not even just for wanting to ctb or for relapsing. sure i still feel guilty for other shit, but i dont feel guilty for decisions i make with my own body. i dont want to hurt anyone else, but i want to hurt myself. is that wrong? should i feel guilty for breaking my promises? i dont think so. guilt hurts. i shouldnt have to hurt

there was one other promise i made to my gf, the biggest most important one in fact, and i am at least following that promise by forgiving myself and loving myself and letting go of shame and guilt and fear.

also ive been fairly open with her about my suicidal ideation. she seemed a little worried about it before, but now she doesnt say much of anything abt it? she's also suicidal herself and she's antinatalist and a pessimist, so like philosophically i think she'd understand. hell ive pretty much just adopted her philosophy cuz i mirror everything about her. still, i know she'd be devastated if i ctb. i would be devastated if i lost her, and knowing how much she loves and cares about me i think she'd feel the same way if i were gone. but i also would understand and i wouldnt blame her or be angry at her, and im sure she would feel the same way if i were gone. loss hurts like hell, but its inevitable. no one should have to feel that pain, no one should have to feel any pain

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that it's understandable not feeling so guilty about leaving others behind, as anyway it's up to us whether to continue existing or not, it's nothing to do with anyone else and death is the most inevitable thing anyway, losing people is just a consequence of life being brought here. Eventually we likely won't even exist in the memories of those who continue to stay here.

 

[ZeroSuitDoomgirl]

I definitely understand not feeling guilty, as everyone has to experience the death of a loved one eventually. I do acknowledge that adding to that is something you wouldn't want to do, but one death is just that, only one death. There are much worse things to go through, and people will get by sooner or later

 

[JuliaOnTheNet]

I was guilty at first too, after a lot of crying it eventually faded and now I'm just looking forward to ctb