TheActualAlex
Member
- Feb 21, 2025
- 10
Planning it just seems so easy, you know? Have it all laid out, day picked and scheduled for vacation, and the method surely to work. It's so easy to just lay out, second guess, push back. You have priorities, things you have to take care of, eventually you're talked out of the plan and it's all put on the back burner. It's not scary, and if anything it's a slice of realism in how things aren't so cut, dry, and simple. But the impulse?
The times where it's not just some fucking cloud, it's an overwhelming typhoon that consumes my chest and eats my eyes. My tongue lays limp and my mouth slacks. Everything falls within my body and I'm only an observer of a walking corpse. A corpse that seeks nothing more than to stop existing. I can't fight it, can't reject it, because it's me. It's what I want in that very moment and nothing wants to stop those thoughts. I just want to go. To leave. To end. The arguments passed, the situations unresolved, and everything is still falling apart.
That moment. That sink into myself is what I fear happening over and over again. And the time when there's no plan and I make the worst fucking mistake I can. It's why I just want a plan. To stop it before it stops me. But then the plans pushed away again. And I repeat the cycle. When will this spiral end? When do I find the bottom of this hole? I'm so scared to find it.
The times where it's not just some fucking cloud, it's an overwhelming typhoon that consumes my chest and eats my eyes. My tongue lays limp and my mouth slacks. Everything falls within my body and I'm only an observer of a walking corpse. A corpse that seeks nothing more than to stop existing. I can't fight it, can't reject it, because it's me. It's what I want in that very moment and nothing wants to stop those thoughts. I just want to go. To leave. To end. The arguments passed, the situations unresolved, and everything is still falling apart.
That moment. That sink into myself is what I fear happening over and over again. And the time when there's no plan and I make the worst fucking mistake I can. It's why I just want a plan. To stop it before it stops me. But then the plans pushed away again. And I repeat the cycle. When will this spiral end? When do I find the bottom of this hole? I'm so scared to find it.
