Ailurus
Member
- Jun 3, 2023
- 7
I've not been here for all that long. Did a burst of activity just in the beginning but I guess ever since I've been trying to make this post, desperately needing to vent.
I'm 26 years old, trans femme, and when I was going through puberty, growing and all that, I already knew I was deeply uncomfortable with getting taller. I knew that there were hormones to help increase and reduce growth in people, and I went to my school nurse, not really having anywhere else to turn asking for help to not grow anymore. She told me not to worry about it and that I wouldn't grow much more.
I'm currently 177cm tall, way above average height for women very close to average height for men in my country. And I honestly can't accept my body the way it is. It's not just being trans. There are many issues there as well. But the height thing in particular I just feel like I can't live with. I don't think life is very great tbh. I live a fairly cushy life. Living with my dad, I don't work as I'm deemed too sick to work. So I get money from the state and I mostly just sit and play video games all day. But that's not really what I want to do. I want to go out there and meet people, but I feel so wrong in this body. I can't interact the way I want to. People's relation to the physical reality of my body feels so wrong. I hate how friends can't easily lift me or how sitting in someone's lap makes me feel like I don't fit. I hate all of it. And don't get me started on dating. I want to be I'm primarily into women, I want to be short, petite and easy even for an average woman to "handle".
But it's not just that I want these things. This is the only life I want to live. The life I describe. I don't actually want to die, but I can't stand living like this. I get anxiety attacks just from seeing people irl, I don't really find life acceptable in general, everything being unfair, so many people genuinely gunning to make people like me disappear. I never agreed to this system of work. I just want that life. No other life is worth living for me. But no one ever cares. "You can't have that/don't need thst, you can find happiness anyways". But what is the point? It's not a life I want to live. It's not a life I agreed to.
So why should I put in so much effort into a life I don't want to begin with, why am I not allowed to just say no? Do I not have the ability to consent to this life? Do I not have bodily autonomy?
I'm 26 years old, trans femme, and when I was going through puberty, growing and all that, I already knew I was deeply uncomfortable with getting taller. I knew that there were hormones to help increase and reduce growth in people, and I went to my school nurse, not really having anywhere else to turn asking for help to not grow anymore. She told me not to worry about it and that I wouldn't grow much more.
I'm currently 177cm tall, way above average height for women very close to average height for men in my country. And I honestly can't accept my body the way it is. It's not just being trans. There are many issues there as well. But the height thing in particular I just feel like I can't live with. I don't think life is very great tbh. I live a fairly cushy life. Living with my dad, I don't work as I'm deemed too sick to work. So I get money from the state and I mostly just sit and play video games all day. But that's not really what I want to do. I want to go out there and meet people, but I feel so wrong in this body. I can't interact the way I want to. People's relation to the physical reality of my body feels so wrong. I hate how friends can't easily lift me or how sitting in someone's lap makes me feel like I don't fit. I hate all of it. And don't get me started on dating. I want to be I'm primarily into women, I want to be short, petite and easy even for an average woman to "handle".
But it's not just that I want these things. This is the only life I want to live. The life I describe. I don't actually want to die, but I can't stand living like this. I get anxiety attacks just from seeing people irl, I don't really find life acceptable in general, everything being unfair, so many people genuinely gunning to make people like me disappear. I never agreed to this system of work. I just want that life. No other life is worth living for me. But no one ever cares. "You can't have that/don't need thst, you can find happiness anyways". But what is the point? It's not a life I want to live. It's not a life I agreed to.
So why should I put in so much effort into a life I don't want to begin with, why am I not allowed to just say no? Do I not have the ability to consent to this life? Do I not have bodily autonomy?
