Venting I don't even know anymore

[EmptyHeaded]

I want to bash my head into a wall, I want to tear my skin off, I want to crack my skull like a coconut
I just love waking up in the middle of the night with my heart feeling like it's about to explode and the urge to hit my head against a wall until it's no more
And yet I can't do anything. I don't want to deviate from my plan, so I have to go on for a bit longer. At this point I may actually die from a heart attack or something before I can even ctb. At least something is obviously wrong with my heart. The only thing I can do is sh, and even for that I'm too lazy and tired most of the time.
I'm sorry for even taking up space in this forum with this useless post, idk why I'm even writing this

 

[Ember]

I think you didn't do anything wrong, you were and might still be distressed and you might have wanted to reach out. I think there's nothing wrong with that (don't get me wrong I feel like shit when I do it but there's a difference between my thought and feelings). If you want to talk, I'd be glad to listen. If nothing else, I hope you have a good day (no matter how unlikely that might be).