I'm asperger with adhd and communication was always very effortful for me. There is so many things I need to pay attention to, so the other person accepts and respects me and it always was extremely exhausting.
I used to mask a lot, because I was under the delusion that one day I will have a girlfriend and a friend group and I will get used to masking so it won't be so hard. It just doesn't work that way unfortunately.
It's not fun for me to talk to others when I need to pretend to be normal. And the moment I act wierd they will just start treating me differently or losing interest in talking to me altogether.
And it is a bit unfair that I have to learn all the silly redundant rules and basically make upmost effort to make neurotipical people comfortable, when they never care to learn how to talk to me so it's pleasant for me too. I get talked over, never let to word or drowned in stupid questions. Others barely pick up queues when I don't want to talk about certain topic, even when I make it obvious. Neurotipical conversation is just often a constant subconscious fight for dominance and I find that exhausting and unsatisfying.
I hate that others never talk about important topics, like death or why did we somehow spawned on this floating rock. It's just bad manners to bring something like that up. Everyone is just talking about the most boring bullshit in a way that feels extremely scripted. They usually just brush the topmost surface of a topic before ditching it.
I'm just not talking to anyone anymore. Not even my family and it does feel lonely, but I just can't help it. Depression and hopelessness leaves me with zero energy, I guess I'm just going to be alone with no connection until I die. And it's not like I ever felt much connection even when I was more social. Having to constantly pretend to be someone else just kills the connection anyways.
I'm posting to this community to have at least some form of social interaction.
I used to mask a lot, because I was under the delusion that one day I will have a girlfriend and a friend group and I will get used to masking so it won't be so hard. It just doesn't work that way unfortunately.
It's not fun for me to talk to others when I need to pretend to be normal. And the moment I act wierd they will just start treating me differently or losing interest in talking to me altogether.
And it is a bit unfair that I have to learn all the silly redundant rules and basically make upmost effort to make neurotipical people comfortable, when they never care to learn how to talk to me so it's pleasant for me too. I get talked over, never let to word or drowned in stupid questions. Others barely pick up queues when I don't want to talk about certain topic, even when I make it obvious. Neurotipical conversation is just often a constant subconscious fight for dominance and I find that exhausting and unsatisfying.
I hate that others never talk about important topics, like death or why did we somehow spawned on this floating rock. It's just bad manners to bring something like that up. Everyone is just talking about the most boring bullshit in a way that feels extremely scripted. They usually just brush the topmost surface of a topic before ditching it.
I'm just not talking to anyone anymore. Not even my family and it does feel lonely, but I just can't help it. Depression and hopelessness leaves me with zero energy, I guess I'm just going to be alone with no connection until I die. And it's not like I ever felt much connection even when I was more social. Having to constantly pretend to be someone else just kills the connection anyways.
I'm posting to this community to have at least some form of social interaction.
