Justaroguegear
Tired
- Mar 11, 2020
- 79
I came here for the 'recipe' and thought I'd make an account to get some things off my chest. I still have my exit plan and always will but since then things shifted around. A lot. There's not much sense into going into more detail about it but my mental health improved and at the end I went on a 'trip' which solidified my thoughts and things I already believed and made me realize there was nothing wrong with my 'negative' outlook . I ended up talking it out with ex classmates and realized just how terrible my childhood was. And also made me realize that there are actual nice people out there.
There was never really anything wrong with me physically or genetically except maybe being born more sensitive but maybe it was early trauma that caused all that. I'm not afraid to say anymore that I had a very shitty childhood, though not in a "traditional" sense. It's very complicated but I can say that it's about as bad as any other and I've had a lot of things to deal with to get to this thread.
In the end I realized that the only truth in this world is there is never any truth. Things shift around, ideals crumble, people change and all I can really do is use the current status quo to try to have a (pleasant) time. There's no ideals that hold up, ever.
Maybe if I died now, I'd quit before the worst period of my life in which I will neither have the will to live nor the possibility to change my situation. Maybe tomorrow I go blind and lose both my hands and I will have not much choice but to live a couple of more decades as a charity case vegetable.
But maybe if I die now I'll miss out on the best time of my life.
I'm leaning towards the latter. I'm on a the brink of a new stage of life, but even so I can say I'm having a good time right now. The best even.
I'm still pro choice, very much so, but letting go of these tethers of what's good and bad helped me accept things as they are and I don't even feel the need to ctb anymore. At all. I don't even believe in good and bad anymore as perfect concepts. Though when I start getting older I will seriously have to weigh whether or not it's worth living longer or not.
I still hate people who have biological kids, or at least judge them very harshly. I'm open about it too, and I don't have any friends my age (or any age really) that has, but if they did, I would not associate with them anymore. Not that they'd have the time anyway.
In the end there's no ideal solution to anything, only practical ones to specific problems.
I will not be attached to any man country, concept, ideal, ever. Maybe nobody should kill themselves and every one could be helped. Or maybe everyone would be better of dead forever, instead of experiencing suffering in perpetuity.
There was never really anything wrong with me physically or genetically except maybe being born more sensitive but maybe it was early trauma that caused all that. I'm not afraid to say anymore that I had a very shitty childhood, though not in a "traditional" sense. It's very complicated but I can say that it's about as bad as any other and I've had a lot of things to deal with to get to this thread.
In the end I realized that the only truth in this world is there is never any truth. Things shift around, ideals crumble, people change and all I can really do is use the current status quo to try to have a (pleasant) time. There's no ideals that hold up, ever.
Maybe if I died now, I'd quit before the worst period of my life in which I will neither have the will to live nor the possibility to change my situation. Maybe tomorrow I go blind and lose both my hands and I will have not much choice but to live a couple of more decades as a charity case vegetable.
But maybe if I die now I'll miss out on the best time of my life.
I'm leaning towards the latter. I'm on a the brink of a new stage of life, but even so I can say I'm having a good time right now. The best even.
I'm still pro choice, very much so, but letting go of these tethers of what's good and bad helped me accept things as they are and I don't even feel the need to ctb anymore. At all. I don't even believe in good and bad anymore as perfect concepts. Though when I start getting older I will seriously have to weigh whether or not it's worth living longer or not.
I still hate people who have biological kids, or at least judge them very harshly. I'm open about it too, and I don't have any friends my age (or any age really) that has, but if they did, I would not associate with them anymore. Not that they'd have the time anyway.
In the end there's no ideal solution to anything, only practical ones to specific problems.
I will not be attached to any man country, concept, ideal, ever. Maybe nobody should kill themselves and every one could be helped. Or maybe everyone would be better of dead forever, instead of experiencing suffering in perpetuity.
