Story I did try SN

[Skylight]

I appreciate you sharing your experience. It sounds like you want help though (apologies if I'm wrong), but just aren't receiving the support you need?

 

[Vault of Memories]

The fact that you left the name of cure shows that subconsciously you probably weren't ready. When I was took a bottle of pills 3 and a half years ago and was on the verge of dying, I saw a car light in the distance. Let it be known I was parked in a secluded area considering it was somewhere between 2-4am. Anyway I honked my horn, opened my car door and collapsed on the floor, like I wanted the driver to find me. Later I read a report that I was found by a truck driver and I would've probably been dead if I had been found an hour later. I still don't understand why I did that. Nothing has really changed and I've still wanted to end it ever since, despite medical treatment and therapy attempts.

 

[KuRsAnI]

I just wanted to say that everyone in this thread living in a pro-choice country should consider themselves very free and lucky. If I had that chance, not only would I probably not be here now but I would be much less scared of being sent to one of their prisons(mental ward). It's what stops me from using one of the riskier methods(firearm) as opposed to SN, which is harder to get in my country but which is also the method I'd like to use.

 

[Tamazi 123]

O

The fact that you left the name of cure shows that subconsciously you probably weren't ready. When I was took a bottle of pills 3 and a half years ago and was on the verge of dying, I saw a car light in the distance. Let it be known I was parked in a secluded area considering it was somewhere between 2-4am. Anyway I honked my horn, opened my car door and collapsed on the floor, like I wanted the driver to find me. Later I read a report that I was found by a truck driver and I would've probably been dead if I had been found an hour later. I still don't understand why I did that. Nothing has really changed and I've still wanted to end it ever since, despite medical treatment and therapy attempts.

What did you take?

 

[Karl30]

What a great and peaceful method !

 

[AdamDeeOVE]

I hope

After getting yesterday night loaded on Valium, xanax, zolpidem, ipubrofen, and Olanzapine, I prepared the SN as recommended and took it around midnight. I told my partner what I was going to do and he went to sleep...

I left a message with I'm sorry mom and the name of methylene blue. I guess I wanted to be found. Things to note:

1. I took the whole cup and didn't find it unpleasant, just like sea water
2. I did not throw up altho I tried like hell
3. It kicked in fast, last time I ate was probably 6 hours prior, but I collapsed and my heart was racing sooo bad. But no respiratory problems.
4. I was found by partner when I was desperately trying to throw up, and he called the ambulance.
5. The ambulance took their sweet time. At that time I definitely did not want to die.
6. While they were treating me, I got an allergy shock (the deadly kind), and was given adrenaline.
7. They couldn't find a vein. After they stabbed my like lunatics, since I know how it is done and learned from my mother, the moved me to a ward I guess. Then I threw up all night, but I'm not sure what, and I was left with that awful taste in my mouth.
8. When I left, the main doctor said that I was so lucky because all the blood they could get from me was brown black. Sherlock gave his two cents.
9. They said and I saw that oxygen in my blood was about 40 if I'm not mistaken. They were given me the treatment and I saw when all vital functions had dropped, then they gave adrenaline.

I guess no matter how much I try, no cojones. I don't think I even tried to impress my partner he wants me gone from his house.

Conclusion: SN could have taking me quite peacefully

Thanks for sharing, Could you please tell me where did you get the SN ?

I don't know I wanted to spite my partner who thought I was drama queen and went to bed

None. I looked at my hands and I was grayish. I'm okay, just very hungry and obviously in some form of ward

I think had I taken propranolol beforehand maybe it would have been ok. It scared me a little because I didn't know what would follow after 'D'oh'

Hey could you tell me where did you get the Propranolol? and SN ? Great thanks

 

[Smudgedlines]

I don't know your story OP but you are going about this all in the wrong way and you could've very easily ended up dead.... And that's not what you want. These cries for help are not working. They are not achieving what they might in another country. If you don't truly 100 percent wish to CTB you have to stop .... because next time they might just let you die. It's also not getting you any support and not getting you the type of care or attention you wish. I wish I could help more but you might find that getting out of that apparently toxic relationship will help in the long term.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I'm sorry you went through this. I sincerely hope you can get the support and assistance you need.

Gently, I want to say that no one, regardless of their actions, can "drive" us to suicide. It's our free-will choice at the end. I can tell you're in a lot of pain and emotional turmoil, so I don't want this to sound like criticism. It's just alarming to me that you seem to place responsibility over your decision whether to ctb in your boyfriend's hands essentially...

The decision was fully mine, and although he now seems to feel guilty, I assured him he was in no way, shape, or form responsible.
There are a lot of things that I haven't mentioned, so taken out of context, it does sound that I am placing blame on him.
The only part where I feel he was a bit callous (?) was when I told him I felt I would hurt myself, and he went to sleep, but that was him being insensitive, not responsible.

In which country you are staying if I may ask?

I pm-ed you. Well not many options around the block :)

I appreciate you sharing your experience. It sounds like you want help though (apologies if I'm wrong), but just aren't receiving the support you need?

I do want help, that what I mentioned earlier, it's a struggle between wanting help and being shamed and shunned by mental health professionals, after which I revert to my idea that going out is the only option.

The fact that you left the name of cure shows that subconsciously you probably weren't ready. When I was took a bottle of pills 3 and a half years ago and was on the verge of dying, I saw a car light in the distance. Let it be known I was parked in a secluded area considering it was somewhere between 2-4am. Anyway I honked my horn, opened my car door and collapsed on the floor, like I wanted the driver to find me. Later I read a report that I was found by a truck driver and I would've probably been dead if I had been found an hour later. I still don't understand why I did that. Nothing has really changed and I've still wanted to end it ever since, despite medical treatment and therapy attempts.

I am sorry for what happened to you. I confess yes that I wasn't ready, I am very naive and want to see the good in the world, and I have strong SI. But I am also very impulsive, had I had a gun probably I wouldn't be here today.

Thanks for sharing, Could you please tell me where did you get the SN ?

Hey could you tell me where did you get the Propranolol? and SN ? Great thanks

I pm-ed you.

I don't know your story OP but you are going about this all in the wrong way and you could've very easily ended up dead.... And that's not what you want. These cries for help are not working. They are not achieving what they might in another country. If you don't truly 100 percent wish to CTB you have to stop .... because next time they might just let you die. It's also not getting you any support and not getting you the type of care or attention you wish. I wish I could help more but you might find that getting out of that apparently toxic relationship will help in the long term.

I do not think this was a cry for help. I could have easily tried to OD on Olanzapine etc. for a cry for help. 3 out of 4 recent attempts were legit not a cry for help, I had 2 more attempts when I was alone for a couple of days in the house.

I took the SN while I was on chat with a bunch of wonderful people, discussing various different things and not my attempt. So many things went right for me to still be here today. I couldn't have banked that my partner would wake up and find my note, I couldn't have banked on the ambulance coming quite fast (I took a bunch of another medication another time, and they left me to ride it out, they didn't send an ambulance). EDIT: the ambulance actually took their sweet time in my opinion, but maybe that's just my perception. I couldn't have banked on the emergency services to have methylene blue, I couldn't have banked that my body would hold up. In that day and moment, I wanted to ctb, but as I explained I cannot override SI. One day as you say they will let me go.

I am also starting to believe that many who succeed were not just at their first attempt, were at their first successful attempt.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I know that for most people I sound like an impulsive, irresponsible, unstable person who purports being abused by her partner - and make him responsible for my ctb, but I just found out some very disconcerting news that I want to share, and I do not know how to do it without them maybe googling and finding out I wrote this about my attempt. Any ideas? To put a lot of stars? A dropbox link and then take it down? Thank you.

 

[Makethispaingo]

Thanks for sharing your story, it's heartbreaking that your partner didn't seem to care. Sending hugs

 

[Marktheghost]

Thanks for telling us about your experience.

Why did you throw up? Was it the sodium nitrite that caused that, or was it something they gave you in hospital, or did you do it deliberately or what?

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Thanks for telling us about your experience.

Why did you throw up? Was it the sodium nitrite that caused that, or was it something they gave you in hospital, or did you do it deliberately or what?

It might have been the methylene blue as apparently I had an allergic reaction to it.

 

[Billicide]

I'm surprised you were still awake at all after the Valium, xanax, zolpidem! I wonder if the olanzapine acted as an anti emetic which prevented you from throwing up?

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I'm surprised you were still awake at all after the Valium, xanax, zolpidem! I wonder if the olanzapine acted as an anti emetic which prevented you from throwing up?

I'm used to the benzos and Z-drugs. Olanzapine (and anti-psychotics in general) do act as antiemetics.

 

[Walilamdzi]

Oh gosh

 

[K-O]

gonegonegone notgone giiirlll!!!
leave all them boiz behind u! take all your money and run! start freshi! (pampering reality rehab center with spa?..)
its another cry for help- but honey.. your knocking at the wrong door innit?..
pamper your self !
ones a prom queen - always a queen!
:)
gotta love this gal right?
x

 

[TAW122]

Just wanted to add something very disturbing related to what @thrw_a_way1221221 has been saying about mental health professionals.

I saw the psychiatrist there (I was in ICU apparently), and she said she didn't really care if I attempt again or not (I live in a pro-choice country). Fine by me.

She wanted to talk to me and my partner to establish some boundaries about how we could interact without him driving me to suicide. She asked what my plan for the next 24 hours was. I smiled coyly because she had put me on the spot. I said probably I will sleep 16 hours as I am tired, relax by watching series for 4 hours, and cook and shower for 4 hours. She was staring blankly at me. I try to lighten up the mood so I said very jokingly "What do you think?" making a "Did I do well, teacher?" face. She started screaming and shouting that I was mocking her. I froze. I apologized, I explained, nothing. My partner stood there during this abusive reaction and said in front of her that he did want to break up and he will tolerate me until Corona restrictions get lifted. So BOTH of them thought it was okay to tell me that I will be homeless in 4 weeks, less than 12 hours after my attempt, even though he took the responsibility to make me move countries for him. How do you tell a person who said their last prayers that you want them out of your life after you have abused and bullied them. How can you as a MHP hear this and not have alarm bells ringing in your head, and still blame the victim for being frantic and not playing the sociable part in human interactions?

So I am completely disgusted. Maybe even my poor country is better than disgusting MHPs who just wanna do their paperwork and sign off.

I'm sorry that your psychiatrist treated you like shit, she must be a bitch based on how she acted and responded to you. I hope you are able to find peace in whatever choice you decide to make.

 

[Quarky00]

managing all my mental issues, and then trying to utilize the system to get me some help, only to be shunned by the system and ending up believing that suicide is the only option. If the system did work, I would very much like to give it a try.

Yes.

So sorry to hear about this. A person shouldn't attempt to end their life to spite someone , or to get attention and support. I'm not judging just saying how sad it is that you were pushed to that (and then abused by MHP and partner). You've been through so much yet you sound so acutely aware of things and focused, you must have tremendous strength and abilities (sounds ironic considering your state, I know). Maybe indeed things will be better in your country.

Anyway, hope you're doing okay, considering

I'm not sure they don't care because it's a pro-choice country. I think they just don't care. Unlike UK/US many other countries are simply reluctant to hospitalize people unless they have a specific serious psychiatric problems or imminent danger, or higher threshold is required for sanctioning (forced hospitalization). That's why the psychiatrist asked you what are you going to do.. If you're not going to harm yourself in the very near future they often don't care.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I went to see another psychiatrist on Friday, I had spoken to him on the phone a couple of weeks ago, and assured him that I was not suicidal. He started shouting at me through a plastic screen (for Corona safety purposes) that why did I attempt suicide. I asked him if he was for real shouting at me. He continued to shout, I left the room. My ex/partner (unclear at this point) confirmed that I wasn't imagining things.

Anyhow, my ex/partner also told me I was 'weak' for taking the SN. I told him it took ballz of steel.

 

[Quarky00]

Anyhow, my ex/partner also told me I was 'weak' for taking the SN. I told him it took ballz of steel.

You seemed to just get abused by people there / system . So sorry this is happening .

What were the news you wanted to share , without others google ? Just redact thing by saying for example : I went to London City 1 and talked to Brian Friend 1 and according to ABC certain rules

 

[autumnal]

You seemed to just get abused by people there / system . So sorry this is happening .

What were the news you wanted to share , without others google ? Just redact thing by saying for example : I went to London City 1 and talked to Brian Friend 1 and according to ABC certain rules

Just to be clear for any complete tech novices, @Quarky00 means to actually remove those words he lists above in strikeout. Not just to format them in the strikeout style, which is just a superficial attribute and doesn't hide the text from search engines.

So his example once applying suggested redaction would read:

I went to City 1 and talked to Friend 1 and according to certain rules​

​

This distinction is probably self-evident to most people, but the fact that strikeout is a formatting option when posting here makes me feel like it's worth spelling out just in case.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Thank you @autumnal for the clarification.

So here's what I was told:
P***ner confessed that he gave me the substance knowing what it was. When the substance arrived by mail, he opened it, g**gled about it, knew what it was, and still gave it to me. The day before my attempt, I said it was a dangerous substance, and threatened to take it. The day of my attempt, he heard the sp**n against the gl**s while I stirred, and let me took it. He had an emot**nal reaction a couple of days ago and confessed about it. Did not say why.

I do not know what to think anymore. Am I being abused, am I being tortured? If he let me took it, then he should have respected my decision, and not have called the ambulance. The doctors think I am volatile and that I have bpd, but I explained I am not in a healthy situation.

And what do I do now? I cannot get it past him anymore. Or would he give it to me? There is zero trust but my father won't let me go back home, so where do I go? I just wanna disappear...

 

[GoneGoneGone]

People who actually need a way out and are worried about SN becoming less available are not served by bluffs using it. Bluffing with death also will not make anybody who doesn't want you want you more.

That makes zero sense. What is "bluffing with death?" Have you even read the thread or my story? I took it fair and square, stat dose, ask the people who were on the chat that night, like @idontwannadothisanym. Or now we're coming down to, again, shaming people who fail? There's a thing called SI.

 

[Iloveyouall]

People who actually need a way out and are worried about SN becoming less available are not served by bluffs using it. Bluffing with death also will not make anybody who doesn't want you want you more.

What are you trying to say exactly here ? That OP bluffed her ctb attempt to get attention ? And are you actually blaming and shaming her for making SN less available ? Correct me if I'm wrong but if I'm right then: what the fuck dude ?!

 

[Iloveyouall]

Leaving a note with the antidote is not called being hit by SI, it is called bluffing. So for those hard of hearing, yes I am saying she bluffed.

Can't you consider that maybe OP took this precaution in case SI kicked in so she wouldn't have too much after-effects ?

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Leaving a note with the antidote is not called being hit by SI, it is called bluffing. So for those hard of hearing, yes I am saying she bluffed.

This is getting ridiculous. Why would I take everything as advised, use measuring cups, and swallow the whole thing??? If I had wanted to bluff I'd have taken Olanzapine and gone crazy around the house with tardive dyskinesia.

I do "apologize" for being high as a kite. I left a note "I love you mom," and then became melancholic thinking about her, so yeah, part of me wanted to live, so then I wrote the name of the antidote, which I didn't even know what it was or if it was the right thing. Again, ask the people on the chat, @idontwannadothisanym I was with them.

I have pics from my file at the hospital showing all the adrenaline they pumped in me, but I'm not going to indulge your twisted mind by showing you my suffering. I avoided such an impulsive move, I had called the police the day prior and they told me that they can only help me if my partner beats me.

And my last name is not Corona to make it more difficult for others to have theirs shipped. Even if I had succeeded, they would have still known what I have taken from my partner, so I would still be at fault for 'stopping SN shipments', albeit dead.

Leaving a note with the antidote is not called being hit by SI, it is called bluffing. So for those hard of hearing, yes I am saying she bluffed.

And in case you are hard of hearing, I had an allergic reaction to the freakin antidote, they had to shoot me up with adrenaline. How can I bluff so many variables for me to survive???

 

[Quarky00]

@GoneGoneGone , I'm sorry you were doubted in such a harsh crude unsubstantiated way . Well , members have their strong opinions , highly mistrust others , and anyway some doubt is healthy . I don't think saying some in distress is bluffing is 'healthy' though . You've been through so much so it's a shame wasting energy trying to prove . This is actually what you're dealing with in real life ... Fighting against partner and MHP nasty remarks -- so this "criticism" of yours is a real trigger . Sorry for that .

( You're smart and prob recognize that behaviour, it can be infuriating, you made it pretty clear, better to move on..;) In general I'd hate to see others wasting their precious time/energy on nasty discussions.. )

 

[BeeLoyal]

Thank you. I did lose consciousness, I remember they tried to lift me and I started saying prayers because blood pressure was too low, and after they took me in the ambulance, next thing I know I have an oxygen mask over my face. So it was maybe 20-30 minutes.
I had absolutely no nausea. It felt like diving too many times in the sea / ocean and inadvertently ingesting water.
I decided against cause SI. I thought it's not worth to die for my partner.

I didn't have physical symptoms apart from rapid heartbeat. I was dizzy but not nauseous for example.

Yes I decided to throw up myself, stuck my fingers but nothing. I think this is because I took benzos, they cut any nausea or vomiting away.

Later on I threw up in the emergency room and it was disgusting because I could feel my throat was burning. But all these symptoms are now gone.

Than you everyone for your kindness and not admonishing me for making so many mistakes with the procedure

The Olanzapine has an effect against nausea and vomitting, I think. You didn't take Metoclopramid right? If no, then it was probably the Olanzapine, since in Stans guide, he says u don't have to take mcp if u are on olanzapine/ anti psychotic/ neuroleptic meds.

Also, I wish you the very best for the future and hope you will recover from the things u have or had to go through. I'm glad you're fine now and didn't suffer in this process.

 

[Vault of Memories]

Leaving a note with the antidote is not called being hit by SI, it is called bluffing. So for those hard of hearing, yes I am saying she bluffed.

I don't really see what you're trying to gain from this...

 

[Quarky00]

P***ner confessed that he gave me the substance knowing what it was. When the substance arrived by mail, he opened it, g**gled about it, knew what it was, and still gave it to me. The day before my attempt, I said it was a dangerous substance, and threatened to take it. The day of my attempt, he heard the sp**n against the gl**s while I stirred, and let me took it. He had an emot**nal reaction a couple of days ago and confessed about it. Did not say why.

I do not know what to think anymore. Am I being abused, am I being tortured? If he let me took it, then he should have respected my decision, and not have called the ambulance. The doctors think I am volatile and that I have bpd, but I explained I am not in a healthy situation.

And what do I do now? I cannot get it past him anymore. Or would he give it to me? There is zero trust but my father won't let me go back home, so where do I go? I just wanna disappear...

I think he is ambivalent, you suggested that before, in general. Wants to end things but sometimes nice etc. That's better than being nasty/evil/hateful all the time.. I guess.. We can't know what's going on in his mind, maybe he's unsure of how to react to these things as well. Suicide while breaking up and during lockdown is hard. I'm not defending him. Maybe he didn't take it seriously until noises of distress . Maybe he thought 'let her do that' but then realizing person's life at stake and jumped into action. Etc. What's the point of speculating, brewing, and festering, if that relationship is over...

I sensed that he had dismissive and careless (perhaps abusive) remarks, behaviours, and attitude. It's a tough situation locked down when relationship ends. But I don't think he's torturing you on purpose or taking pleasure in that. Even if you're not BPD but only share similar patterns right now due to situation, it often feels like being tortured. Sometimes people are indeed abusing and that happens quite a lot, sadly. But regardless many BPDs feel close ones are intentionally torturing them constantly. Correct me if I'm wrong.... Also one's own ambivalent perception can inspire a similar ambivalence in the other person (I'm not BPD blaming).

I know you can't get mental or other support there, and can't go back to father, any other options like other family members? Or living on welfare (where you are now or in your country)? Perhaps it's better to do something new for the sake of safety. I really hope you change things.