Story I deserve death

[Ijustneeditalltostop]

Im so freakin fucked up.
Im a loser not good at anything, not even taking my own life for fuck sake..
Everyone's life around me is shitty because of me. I ruin everything and everyone.. Why ? How? I have no fucking idea, i might be cursed or that's just life showing me that i should go kill myself and find relief for myself and for others too..
Since i was 2 mom would beat the hell out of me and tell me that since she gave birth to me her life got shitty n shitty every day. . I had to get beaten every freakin day even without doing anything at all. Grew up and that thought never left my head, that I've always been a burden, a bad luck, a hell for anyone who gets close to me..
When i knew my bf 4 years ago he was so depressed and so did i but i thought maybe i could do something good for once in my life and ig i did or thought i did, he felt good, started a job.. But with time i realized that im hurting him.. Don't ask me how cuz i don't knowwww he's just getting more depressed again and because of me.. I must have ruined his life and made it worse after i thought i helped him.. Im a fucking monster
I deserve death. I have to dieee. I need to slit my throat or something.. i need a really painful method that even my soul suffers from it..

 

[ssaaahmo]

I'm sorry you've dealt with all this shit. your mom is a horrible mother for treating you that way. hope you find peace. please don't rush into suicide please be careful. you don't want to end up worse than beffore

 

[GirlInBlue]

Your life isn't the price you need to pay for being alive. Good people don't want to get better; they just want others to magically stop being upset.
You were the responsibility of your mother. If she was overwhelmed by taking care of you, that is her fault, not yours. I don't know what happened with your boyfriend but clearly you didn't know the consequences of whatever you did at the time.
You seem to be writing from a very emotional place right now and it is never wrong to feel a certain way, but please do not take your own life just to punish yourself. CTB is a last resort kind of action and it can't be undone.
You are not a monster or you would not feel this remorse. Please, find someone to talk to.

 

[Ijustneeditalltostop]

I'm sorry you've dealt with all this shit. your mom is a horrible mother for treating you that way. hope you find peace. please don't rush into suicide please be careful. you don't want to end up worse than beffore

Thank you.. It really too much but we'll all find peace one day
Stay safe

Your life isn't the price you need to pay for being alive. Good people don't want to get better; they just want others to magically stop being upset.
You were the responsibility of your mother. If she was overwhelmed by taking care of you, that is her fault, not yours. I don't know what happened with your boyfriend but clearly you didn't know the consequences of whatever you did at the time.
You seem to be writing from a very emotional place right now and it is never wrong to feel a certain way, but please do not take your own life just to punish yourself. CTB is a last resort kind of action and it can't be undone.
You are not a monster or you would not feel this remorse. Please, find someone to talk to.

Thank you so much for your kind words and yes when i wrote that was feeling really stressed n suicidal (still but m calmer rn)
I just appreciate everything you said
Stay safe

 

[Ange_Fatigue]

No you don't deserve suffering more. You've been through phyical and mental abuse as a child and that made your mind thinking that it's NORMAL to receive pain.
That's not. I too have been beaten the fuck up by my father and it take me a lot everyday to act as a man.
Your boy friend is the person it is, with it's own emotional state, you are not responsible for it's well being or dark mood. Everyone is in charge of it's own body and soul.
Your mother really did a mistake treating you like she did, but move on walk by yourself, you are not you past, you can make your own life.

Nobody is good or bad, sometime we do good, sometimes we do bad. I give you a warm hug

 

[Ijustneeditalltostop]

No you don't deserve suffering more. You've been through phyical and mental abuse as a child and that made your mind thinking that it's NORMAL to receive pain.
That's not. I too have been beaten the fuck up by my father and it take me a lot everyday to act as a man.
Your boy friend is the person it is, with it's own emotional state, you are not responsible for it's well being or dark mood. Everyone is in charge of it's own body and soul.
Your mother really did a mistake treating you like she did, but move on walk by yourself, you are not you past, you can make your own life.

Nobody is good or bad, sometime we do good, sometimes we do bad. I give you a warm hug

Im sorry your father treated you bad before..
N i suffer from cptsd because of the past and i can't take out of my mind that i have to get hurt, it might sound weird ik
.. Anyways thank you so much hope you get over the past and feel better
Stay safe

 

[noko]

The only thing that comes from your posts is that you are a victim of severe abuse and can't cope with it. So there's nothing wrong with you at all, and you especially do not deserve more pain. I don't think you should ctb if you can find some sort of support to cope or get better...

 

[FriendofDeath]

First, you do not deserve pain. You were a child and were unable to change your situation. Unfortunately it was normal for you. But it doesn't have to be. You have a lot to work through - someone suggested support, which could be a great start for you. And your boyfriend...this is one of the toughest things I have to learn, but you are not responsible for him or his actions. It seems like you feel the need to make everything better, and then if something doesn't work you take on the responsibility and guilt. Hold on. You have worth. You are a survivor and a very caring person. Another hard thing to do - take care of you! Sending you light and love!

 

[Ijustneeditalltostop]

I don't know wht to say im not good with good words but thank you..
But tbh i know it there is no hope im gonna do it as soon as i make sure my lil sister is safe after im gone

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

i feel like this too i have hurt so many people and i can't fix it. i do however believe that everyone deserves a peaceful death even the worst of us.

 

[Oblivion]

I'm the same, no good for anything, keep failing the simplest tasks, keep getting fired from jobs cause i can'd do anything right, nothing at all, and i'm a coward and i can't do it, ive tried twice and failed, i feel like im stuck

 

[Ijustneeditalltostop]

I'm the same, no good for anything, keep failing the simplest tasks, keep getting fired from jobs cause i can'd do anything right, nothing at all, and i'm a coward and i can't do it, ive tried twice and failed, i feel like im stuck

Yes it sucks.. I hope we find peace soon