goldenwitch
Sleep peacefully, my most beloved witch, Beatrice.
- Jan 18, 2026
- 6
I have no hope for me left. There is nothing I could possibly do to turn my life around.
Most people view suicidality as a spur of the moment, disturbed state of mind, something to recover from. However, despite every disorder society might tag onto my behaviours, I am very much sane and conscious.
I have been abused in all ways imaginable ever since I was born. It's something I should've learnt to deal with peacefully to fit into society, however, if anyone knows the nature of this kind of abuse, they'd understand that is impossible. For anyone with a healthy conscience, it isn't possible to ignore the child that was kicked to the curb and tormented endlessly, the child that is begging for justice. It's either giving into those thoughts of revenge or fully losing touch with reality. *I* have forgiven my abusers, my rapists, and those who enabled that but I cannot forgive them in place of that kid I experienced the world through.
No one really understands that it's unreasonable to expect calmness from me. Someone did, my one relative, who despite cruelly abusing me herself many times, still understood the impossibility of this situation, how I am simply unable to live. But unknowingly, I have abandoned her when she needed me the most. She was murdered, slowly, I had no way to stop that, but if only I was there, I could've stopped it, I could've helped her, I could've done something. I'm tired of people saying it's not my fault. It's entirely my sin and I deserve to atone it. She was always there to help me, even if that help was accompanied by snide remarks and cigarette smoke blown in my face, it was help from someone I trust and love more than anything. And I left her to die.
That is why I need to kill myself. There is no forgiveness I could get. There is no one to apologise to anymore. The only way of atonement is death.
I have no present. Constant stress induced seizures cause me misery, I have no money to get psychiatric help, not that I trust psychopathology anyways. I have no future. I am supposed to apply to university soon, but I have absolutely nothing to show them. I am about to be kicked out of my vocational school for not being able to handle all this pain mentally. I am incapable. Completely incapable. And yet I still need to work and keep a roof above my head.
To keep on living would be selfish and utterly dumb. There is nothing for me to live for.
But I want people to mourn me. I want them to feel not just pity but pain for causing this. For leading me to be like this. For ruining my childhood, for ruining my life, for ruining my psyche completely and permanently. Don't get me wrong, there's people I love who I wouldn't want to hurt, but it's simply not possible to get justice for myself and to finally put myself and the world at true peace other than suicide.
I've tried many times this year, even more in my life, but I feel like, now, at 19, I could finally complete what I've been meaning to do for a while.
Sad, I love the world, I love people to a fault. I love invention, creation and art, human ingenuity. I will miss these forever.
Most people view suicidality as a spur of the moment, disturbed state of mind, something to recover from. However, despite every disorder society might tag onto my behaviours, I am very much sane and conscious.
I have been abused in all ways imaginable ever since I was born. It's something I should've learnt to deal with peacefully to fit into society, however, if anyone knows the nature of this kind of abuse, they'd understand that is impossible. For anyone with a healthy conscience, it isn't possible to ignore the child that was kicked to the curb and tormented endlessly, the child that is begging for justice. It's either giving into those thoughts of revenge or fully losing touch with reality. *I* have forgiven my abusers, my rapists, and those who enabled that but I cannot forgive them in place of that kid I experienced the world through.
No one really understands that it's unreasonable to expect calmness from me. Someone did, my one relative, who despite cruelly abusing me herself many times, still understood the impossibility of this situation, how I am simply unable to live. But unknowingly, I have abandoned her when she needed me the most. She was murdered, slowly, I had no way to stop that, but if only I was there, I could've stopped it, I could've helped her, I could've done something. I'm tired of people saying it's not my fault. It's entirely my sin and I deserve to atone it. She was always there to help me, even if that help was accompanied by snide remarks and cigarette smoke blown in my face, it was help from someone I trust and love more than anything. And I left her to die.
That is why I need to kill myself. There is no forgiveness I could get. There is no one to apologise to anymore. The only way of atonement is death.
I have no present. Constant stress induced seizures cause me misery, I have no money to get psychiatric help, not that I trust psychopathology anyways. I have no future. I am supposed to apply to university soon, but I have absolutely nothing to show them. I am about to be kicked out of my vocational school for not being able to handle all this pain mentally. I am incapable. Completely incapable. And yet I still need to work and keep a roof above my head.
To keep on living would be selfish and utterly dumb. There is nothing for me to live for.
But I want people to mourn me. I want them to feel not just pity but pain for causing this. For leading me to be like this. For ruining my childhood, for ruining my life, for ruining my psyche completely and permanently. Don't get me wrong, there's people I love who I wouldn't want to hurt, but it's simply not possible to get justice for myself and to finally put myself and the world at true peace other than suicide.
I've tried many times this year, even more in my life, but I feel like, now, at 19, I could finally complete what I've been meaning to do for a while.
Sad, I love the world, I love people to a fault. I love invention, creation and art, human ingenuity. I will miss these forever.
