Venting I cried today

[CountingSeconds]

For the first time in a long time, I cried. I cried for a life wasted, for opportunities gone. I cried in memory of my happiness. I cried, ugly fat tears, for her. The one who stole my heart and handed it back broken and brittle like eggshells. I cried for the child we talked about having, for her to leave me and meet someone new and become pregnant to THEIR child. Their child who she has decided to call the name that we picked together, for ours. I cried for a child who never existed, who I imagined calling by that name, who I imagined taking to school, watching grow up. Braiding her hair and learning to love as a dad that I will now never be.

I cried for my dad who is now sick in hospital and knowing I can no longer CTB when I'd planned because now he needs me. I cried for how selfish those thoughts are. How selfish I am for only thinking about me.

I am so alone and into an echo chamber I cry and I hope there's someone there who will cry with me.

I can't keep doing this.

 

[Neowise]

I'm sorry you have to go through this, it really must feel horrible. However, I don't think all of your thoughts are selfish. Your ex is selfish for leaving you and chosing someone else and keeping the kid's name you both picked. Your father might be selfish for demanding you to be there for him (but of course, I don't know your family background and what your relationship with your father looks like). Besides this, everyone has the right to be selfish once. We all have needs that should be met, even if it... is the need to die? You don't have to suffer for others. I wished I could sooth your sorrows about the wasted life and the opportunities that are now gone, but I often grieve about these things as well... more than I should. Anyway, if you want to talk we are all here for you.

 

[MM's the name]

Sorry friend, for you having to go through that.

 

[CountingSeconds]

I needed to hear that. Thank you.

 

[AngelicGirl]

Youre not a bad person. Youre just living in a confusing ass world that has no guides or tutorials on how to do it. Youre doing the best you can.

 

[CountingSeconds]

Thank you. It's so hard to not feel selfish sometimes. I'm so confused and pain just travels through me like electricity in water.