Venting I crave death yet I’m scared of it

[melonpan]

I realized that there's probably never a day that I won't CTB impulsively. I save and bookmark all these plans but knowing me, I think I'd get scared to go through.
Jumping from a building/bridge, that sort of helplessness as you're grabbing at the air, accepting and knowing you can't turn back even if you want help, it seems a bit uncomfortable. Hanging yourself, the pain of it though I hear for some, it knocks them out near immediately. Drowning is definitely a no-go, survival instinct is too strong (for me) and if not, it'll feel equally as despairing as jumping, knowing that you'll die alone, just like that, you can't live. Taking SN sounds like something that would allow me to have time to think, and now I'll wish I never swallowed it.
Nevertheless, even while I have all these fears, nearly everyday (although it's getting much quieter with my new medicine, my mind feels empty until it wears off) I think about CTB. I think about the height of a building and wonder if I'll die, I think about going to a range and ending it, I think about jumping in front of this car or train, I think about ending it all right now, right here.
I'm scared of dying, even more so of a painful one, I have things I enjoy in life, I can be happy, I'm living a good life in fact, there's things I want to do, but, I still want to die and I don't know why.

 

[DisillusionedDruid]

I realized that there's probably never a day that I won't CTB impulsively. I save and bookmark all these plans but knowing me, I think I'd get scared to go through.
Jumping from a building/bridge, that sort of helplessness as you're grabbing at the air, accepting and knowing you can't turn back even if you want help, it seems a bit uncomfortable. Hanging yourself, the pain of it though I hear for some, it knocks them out near immediately. Drowning is definitely a no-go, survival instinct is too strong (for me) and if not, it'll feel equally as despairing as jumping, knowing that you'll die alone, just like that, you can't live. Taking SN sounds like something that would allow me to have time to think, and now I'll wish I never swallowed it.
Nevertheless, even while I have all these fears, nearly everyday (although it's getting much quieter with my new medicine, my mind feels empty until it wears off) I think about CTB. I think about the height of a building and wonder if I'll die, I think about going to a range and ending it, I think about jumping in front of this car or train, I think about ending it all right now, right here.
I'm scared of dying, even more so of a painful one, I have things I enjoy in life, I can be happy, I'm living a good life in fact, there's things I want to do, but, I still want to die and I don't know why.

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear you want to die but totally get it.

Usually death feels tempting when there is something unresolved and making us feel we can't escape the overwhelming feeling or reality we live with and in.

You have my full sympathy of the fear of death. It's 1 aspect that keeps me from doing it. The regret that it shouldn't have been done. Nevertheless, here we all are. Discussing it as it makes us feel somewhat better about ourselves to comfortably discuss without guilt or shame thrown at us.

I hope you can find some peace to want to live, but nobody here blames or judges you for wanting to.

Thanks for your brave post.

 

[Yume Nikki]

Honestly, I am scared too, just the idea of not knowing where your soul goes brings me a lot of fear and uncertainty, even though we're all going to share the same fate one day. I wish I could go through with it but I can't right now despite several attempts.

 

[sadAndLost]

I get it too. I crave being dead and going back to nothingness, yet the act of killing mysef is terrifying. The thought of it being painful,..

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't know if this applies to you but, in my case, I'm not scared of death itself (which is just permanent non existence). What I am scared of is the idea of dying (i.e.the process to death). Unfortunately, in this world, the only available suicide methods are absolutely harsh and have a lot of pain and risk to it. Dying regardless of whether it's by suicide or by natural death will always be horrific. We have the technology to not make it be so horrific but, lets be honest here, humans won't ever let people like us access this technology. Being scared of dying is understandable especially because it's possible for the suicide attempt to fail and for you to potentially get a significantly worse quality of life than before you attempted. Unfortunately this is just the harsh reality of suicide and you either have to risk an attempt or stay alive until you die naturally anyway (hopefully humanity doesn't develop biological immortality in the meantime).

I hope you find peace soon