Venting I couldn't jump so I tried partial again

[SHThrowAway213]

I for sure thought I was gonna jump but I couldn't do it.
I can never fucking do it.
So I went home and tried partial but that failed as usual.
Why can't I do it?
I can't compress the arteries I have read everything there is to read on it, done every bit of advice I could possibly find and I still can't fucking do it properly.
Why can't I jump?
I have no problems trying to hang myself.
I wish I had somewhere to do full.

 

[randomz]

I think it's because it's not your time yet. You said you have events to look forward to going with your husband in the summer and october. What happened to that? What happened that made you want to CTB sooner?

 

[SHThrowAway213]

I think it's because it's not your time yet. You said you have events to look forward to going with your husband in the summer and october. What happened to that? What happened that made you want to CTB sooner?

Money issues
And my mental health is worsening very rapidly
I tried getting help for it a few months back but was told I wasn't in the right mindset for it.
I saw my psychologist a couple weeks ago and told her about my attempt.
She wants me to see the nurse that assessed me again.
She was meant be to seeing me this week but she's ill and I have nowhere else to turn.

 

[randomz]

Money issues
And my mental health is worsening very rapidly
I tried getting help for it a few months back but was told I wasn't in the right mindset for it.
I saw my psychologist a couple weeks ago and told her about my attempt.
She wants me to see the nurse that assessed me again.
She was meant be to seeing me this week but she's ill and I have nowhere else to turn.

I feel your pain. Money issues are some of the worst. Is not there any other nurse that can take care of you? Maybe your nurse will get better soon and you will make an appointment. There is still hope for you and besides that Jimmy Carr is waiting for you in october, I am sure it will be fun.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

I feel your pain. Money issues are some of the worst. Is not there any other nurse that can take care of you? Maybe your nurse will get better soon and you will make an appointment. There is still hope for you and besides that Jimmy Carr is waiting for you in october, I am sure it will be fun.

They just said to call back next week when she is well again.
Im sure it will be fun

 

[randomz]

They just said to call back next week when she is well again.
Im sure it will be fun

Well next week is just around the corner so not a lot of time left, and I am sure they will be able to help you and make you feel better.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

Well next week is just around the corner so not a lot of time left, and I am sure they will be able to help you and make you feel better.

I hope you are right but it seems pointless.
Thank you for taking the time to talk to me

 

[randomz]

I hope you are right but it seems pointless.
Thank you for taking the time to talk to me

nah pointless things still have a point - to see if they have a point and if they don't then you were right and you should feel like a winner for guessing that there is no point. And the satisfaction from that is actually a pretty good point. Boy, that's the most times I've used the word point in a sentence. And I am an avid board game player.....

You can always PM me if you need to talk or just vent about stuff. :)

 

[SHThrowAway213]

nah pointless things still have a point - to see if they have a point and if they don't then you were right and you should feel like a winner for guessing that there is no point. And the satisfaction from that is actually a pretty good point. Boy, that's the most times I've used the word point in a sentence. And I am an avid board game player.....

You can always PM me if you need to talk or just vent about stuff. :)

Thank you I appreciate it :)

 

[SHThrowAway213]

How did it feel while you by the edge? I'm looking to jump but worried I will bitch out...what stopped you?

It felt weird.
The cliff isn't high enough really, it's only 80 foot and I'm too scared of surviving it

 

[No capacity]

It felt weird.
The cliff isn't high enough really, it's only 80 foot and I'm too scared of surviving it

Same feeling. I haven't actually been yet but I have such bad luck I would be the person to jump at the wrong point at Beachyhead and survive worse off then I am now. If only someone would push you in the middle of the night and not risk being jailed for being an "aid" Wouldn't that be wonderful. They had to push me when I bungi jumped half a lifetime ago and so while I constantly fantasise about making the short trip from London to the beautiful cliffs I feel it would be pointless. I feel I could easily drive off it but again, much higher chances of survival....

 

[CarefulWithThatAxe]

Same feeling. I haven't actually been yet but I have such bad luck I would be the person to jump at the wrong point at Beachyhead and survive worse off then I am now. If only someone would push you in the middle of the night and not risk being jailed for being an "aid" Wouldn't that be wonderful. They had to push me when I bungi jumped half a lifetime ago and so while I constantly fantasise about making the short trip from London to the beautiful cliffs I feel it would be pointless. I feel I could easily drive off it but again, much higher chances of survival....

I've stood right at the edge of beachy head fully prepared to throw myself off but SI stopped me it pulls you back like an invisible fucking force it is extremely strong.

 

[Escape_Reality]

I've stood right at the edge of beachy head fully prepared to throw myself off but SI stopped me it pulls you back like an invisible fucking force it is extremely strong.

thats the thing, thanks for the insight, I wouldn't want to make the 3 hr trip there just to be pulled back by SI.
I don't know how people overcome SI, it's all that's stopping me right now I'm sure of it.

 

[Y78]

you need a partner than you can jump together alone is very scary its like a voice in your mind that stop you from jump i know how it is.

 

[RedPanda]

I practiced falling into foam pits at a trampoline arenas to overcome SI, it actually helped tremendously. I can bungee jump and jump off high platforms without hesitation BUT i still think it won't be the same when you're on the edge of a cliff staring death right in the face. SI is a bitch.

 

[No capacity]

@RedPanda - very good idea, hadn't thought of that but still reckon I would chicken out, except maybe at night when it was dark and I couldn't see the fall.

 

[SweetSpot086]

Why not just go full suspension?

 

[No capacity]

I can barely figure out how to open a can, nevermind get that right

 

[SHThrowAway213]

Why not just go full suspension?

I would but I have nowhere to do it

 

[ClonesAnnoyMe]

Maybe it's a sign that it's not your time to go, please be patient and ask to be put on a mood stabilizer like Lithium
It saved my life
The other medications will make you feel stupid but Lithium actually replenishes nerve cells in the brain

You still have a good chance and you seem like a good person
Please don't ctb

 

[SHThrowAway213]

Maybe it's a sign that it's not your time to go, please be patient and ask to be put on a mood stabilizer like Lithium
It saved my life
The other medications will make you feel stupid but Lithium actually replenishes nerve cells in the brain

You still have a good chance and you seem like a good person
Please don't ctb

I'll mention it but I thought lithuim was only for bipolar.
Thank you, so do you

 

[Soulless_Angel]

The area we are in is shit for mental health help and support, it really is, I don't know your exact area and I respect your privacy, but from you have told me I have a feeling at one point I have been treated under similar team, I they system fucking sucks!!!
Quick to fob you off, then moan that you didn't ask for help....!!

Is there anyone who can be with you supporting you? You shouldn't be alone right now

 

[ClonesAnnoyMe]

I'll mention it but I thought lithuim was only for bipolar.
Thank you, so do you

I don't think it matters in your situation you gotta remember that if you're planning on ctb you might aswell live to the fullest

By that I mean pick out the right drugs ( perhaps Lithium and some anti anxiety meds but be careful because they're addictive) and go on a mini vacation for yourself

 

[SHThrowAway213]

The area we are in is shit for mental health help and support, it really is, I don't know your exact area and I respect your privacy, but from you have told me I have a feeling at one point I have been treated under similar team, I they system fucking sucks!!!
Quick to fob you off, then moan that you didn't ask for help....!!

Is there anyone who can be with you supporting you? You shouldn't be alone right now

I know right, the system is overworked and underfunded but if it can't help the most crucial cases, then what's the point?
I have my husband but he's at work right now
Luckily he has the next 2 days off

I don't think it matters in your situation you gotta remember that if you're planning on ctb you might aswell live to the fullest

By that I mean pick out the right drugs ( perhaps Lithium and some anti anxiety meds but be careful because they're addictive) and go on a mini vacation for yourself

I'm already on two anti-psychotics which help for what they're meant for.
Hopefully they will take me serious when I say I want to be put on a mood stabilzer

 

[ClonesAnnoyMe]

I know right, the system is overworked and underfunded but if it can't help the most crucial cases, then what's the point?
I have my husband but he's at work right now
Luckily he has the next 2 days off


I'm already on two anti-psychotics which help for what they're meant for.
Hopefully they will take me serious when I say I want to be put on a mood stabilzer

I'm glad you're thinking long-term
I suggested Lithium because it is the most natural prescription drug there is.

Have you tried smoking marijuana? It saved my life and I recommend it to all

 

[SHThrowAway213]

I'm glad you're thinking long-term
I suggested Lithium because it is the most natural prescription drug there is.

Have you tried smoking marijuana? It saved my life and I recommend it to all

Yes I have and it just makes me dissociate.
Drinking helps but my husband won't let me

 

[ClonesAnnoyMe]

Drinking lowers your vibration spiritually and emotionally alot so you may end up trying to ctb, I would really recommend you to smoke some pot in small amounts and see if that helps

Think of it as a vacation until you hear back from the nurses

You got this!

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Lithium is the only one of the prescriptions that can help you deal with your feelings about ctb.

For many people, it makes them go away completely. For me, it makes them break through only rarely, and they are episodic rather than constant.

 

[ClonesAnnoyMe]

Lithium is the only one of the prescriptions that can help you deal with your feelings about ctb.

For many people, it makes them go away completely. For me, it makes them break through only rarely, and they are episodic rather than constant.

Agree, changed the way I thought and the side effects can be managed by pot really well (stomache upset)

Overall best medication I have ever been on and I'm so grateful for it

 

[No capacity]

thats the thing, thanks for the insight, I wouldn't want to make the 3 hr trip there just to be pulled back by SI.
I don't know how people overcome SI, it's all that's stopping me right now I'm sure of it.

At night, holding hands and running together?

Agree, changed the way I thought and the side effects can be managed by pot really well (stomache upset)

Overall best medication I have ever been on and I'm so grateful for it

My fecking doctor wont prescribe it despite me having two friends way "better" than me having huge success on it