yellowroses
Ever Seeking
- Jun 12, 2023
- 91
I've always leaned more towards the methods that could be taken for an accident- I honestly just want to leave as little impact on this world as possible, plus I think an "accident" would be much easier on my family than a suicide.
For context, I suffer from schizoaffective disorder among other issues, and have severe agoraphobia. I haven't been able to work since February of this year because of how bad it all was: hallucinations, panic attacks, etc.
Up until a few weeks ago I was actually doing really well: keeping my focus on healing and trying my best to cope with my mental illnesses in healthy ways. I even took the steps to begin quitting nicotine, since I was feeling somewhat good and have been wanting to quit for awhile now. Thoughts of suicide were the quietest they'd been in over a decade.
Then about two weeks ago everything went to shit. First off, my landlord completely destroyed my backyard without warning. I'm the only person with access to the yard, and when we first moved in my landlord was ecstatic that I mentioned wanting to garden back there. Ever since I had to stop working, I had been sitting out there for literal hours everyday and it was doing wonders for my mental health, it had become my and only safe space to escape from everything and ground myself back to nature. Now all my plants are crushed, the ground smothered in sawdust, and as if that wasn't enough, they sprayed everything down with poison. The bees and butterflies I had worked so hard to bring to my yard, in the middle of the city, are all gone now.
Then, last week, I found out one of the other people in my building has been stalking me because she's convinced I smoke inside apparently (I don't, my partner has asthma so I'm extremely careful to keep any of the smell out of the house). Apparently she's been sending our landlord photos of me smoking outside the building "as proof" (??). Being watched/tracked is one of my biggest paranoid delusions, when it gets bad enough I don't leave my house for weeks at a time. Finding out that there's validity to those thoughts has completely destroyed me.
They have also been doing some construction inside our apartment, so I've been spending the last week holed up in my bedroom with the curtains drawn, 24/7, only leaving to go to the bathroom. Haven't eaten except when my partner practically forces me to. The anxiety from everything has been giving me heart palpitations. Resting heart rate last night was 140bpm. Any desire to heal is completely gone, and I'm once again just desperate to get out of here.
I used to want a quiet and non-descript death, but now I want to blow my brains out on the front steps of my apartment. I want them to know that they're the ones that fucking killed me when I was so close to recovery.
If you've read this, thanks for listening. Wishing us all peace
For context, I suffer from schizoaffective disorder among other issues, and have severe agoraphobia. I haven't been able to work since February of this year because of how bad it all was: hallucinations, panic attacks, etc.
Up until a few weeks ago I was actually doing really well: keeping my focus on healing and trying my best to cope with my mental illnesses in healthy ways. I even took the steps to begin quitting nicotine, since I was feeling somewhat good and have been wanting to quit for awhile now. Thoughts of suicide were the quietest they'd been in over a decade.
Then about two weeks ago everything went to shit. First off, my landlord completely destroyed my backyard without warning. I'm the only person with access to the yard, and when we first moved in my landlord was ecstatic that I mentioned wanting to garden back there. Ever since I had to stop working, I had been sitting out there for literal hours everyday and it was doing wonders for my mental health, it had become my and only safe space to escape from everything and ground myself back to nature. Now all my plants are crushed, the ground smothered in sawdust, and as if that wasn't enough, they sprayed everything down with poison. The bees and butterflies I had worked so hard to bring to my yard, in the middle of the city, are all gone now.
Then, last week, I found out one of the other people in my building has been stalking me because she's convinced I smoke inside apparently (I don't, my partner has asthma so I'm extremely careful to keep any of the smell out of the house). Apparently she's been sending our landlord photos of me smoking outside the building "as proof" (??). Being watched/tracked is one of my biggest paranoid delusions, when it gets bad enough I don't leave my house for weeks at a time. Finding out that there's validity to those thoughts has completely destroyed me.
They have also been doing some construction inside our apartment, so I've been spending the last week holed up in my bedroom with the curtains drawn, 24/7, only leaving to go to the bathroom. Haven't eaten except when my partner practically forces me to. The anxiety from everything has been giving me heart palpitations. Resting heart rate last night was 140bpm. Any desire to heal is completely gone, and I'm once again just desperate to get out of here.
I used to want a quiet and non-descript death, but now I want to blow my brains out on the front steps of my apartment. I want them to know that they're the ones that fucking killed me when I was so close to recovery.
If you've read this, thanks for listening. Wishing us all peace
