Help I care about no one including myself.

[lovelulu]

I know its usually narcissism and other stuff (?) when you only care about yourself and not others, but i frankly don't care about anyone including myself. To put it short, i really am just an asshole. For example, injustice that directly does affect me (racism and misogyny,) I really don't care much about it at all. I have been affected by these acts of injustice before and it did hurt, but I couldn't bring myself to care that much anymore. I don't care about my friends problems as much as I would like to, I dont feel bad about the rude things I say, etc. I think what really gives me this mindset is that the bad stuff that does happen to me, it wouldn't ever matter because no one cares that much about me and I'll kill myself eventually. That mindset has seeped into my view on others too, so now I just lack empathy. Im quite aware of this, but I won't make any move to change it. This post pretty much just shows how much of a bad person I am, and I have no excuse for it. There's most likely no disorder for this, just my fucked up mindset.

 

[mars2027]

When people are mentally overloaded, empathy often drops, not because they're inherently bad but because their brain is prioritizing self-preservation. You're not a bad person, you're in emotional numbness from being in survival mode for too long.

 

[NihilDoll]

What you're experiencing does sound like nihilism. (Though nihilism is more a philosophical concept than a mental state if you want to be precise).
But yeah, i know that state all too well.
When nothing matters one way or another, you mentally just check out. And it's incredibly difficult to break out of it. If nothing matters, why would it matter to change?
To me, it always felt like depression on steroids.

But if you ask me, i wouldn't say that makes you an asshole though. No one choses the shit your mind puts you through.
The fact that you mentioned you would like to care more about your friends imo is the important bit here.
You would like to, but you simply can't. That's not your doing.

I wish there was an easy way out of this, but from my own experience, the only thing you can do about it is to accept it.
Trying to fight it is a battle you're going to lose no matter what.
For me, what helped was to learn to accept that it is what it is and power through as much as possible. Don't beat yourself up over it, you can't change it.
And eventually, it has a good chance to become weaker, have less control over you because accepting it instead of fighting it isn't nearly as exhausting.

I still have the occasional bad episodes, but it is conquerable. You can learn to deal with it.

However, if you already made up your mind about CTB anyways, i wish that everything will work out for you one way or the other <3

 

[Shadows From Hell]

When I was younger, I used to give a shit when people were talking bad shit about me. As I got older, I learned to just not give a shit.

I've been called every name in the book, been accused of doing things I didn't do, and the list goes on.

Now, like you, I don't care about anyone, including myself. I will say hurtful shit to people and not care about feelings.

 

[lovelulu]

When I was younger, I used to give a shit when people were talking bad shit about me. As I got older, I learned to just not give a shit.

I've been called every name in the book, been accused of doing things I didn't do, and the list goes on.

Now, like you, I don't care about anyone, including myself. I will say hurtful shit to people and not care about feelings.

I get you a lot. I've been hurt by others too much now that I dont give a fuck about the things I say anymore. I've been called a bully multiple times by my friends. Im not proud of it, of course, but I dont think I'll ever change.

 

[Shadows From Hell]

I get you a lot. I've been hurt by others too much now that I dont give a fuck about the things I say anymore. I've been called a bully multiple times by my friends. Im not proud of it, of course, but I dont think I'll ever change.

Yea, I guess after taking the verbal abuse so much when you're younger, you become to numb to care what anyone says. If someone calls me a bully, I just say I'm retaliating from all the abuse I received during my kid years.

 

[voc_89]

i accepted it. Took me a while to do so. But yh i accepted that I am damaged. I can't sympathise with normies (example... like omg the manager left several comments and track changes in my submission and he/she was so mean to do so). WTF!!! Idk your experience. Nor your circumstances. But, for me, I also have been subject to racism (lol, when I was in my early teens, and went England to visit my parent on their death bed (they received treatment there), while looking to cash out at a store... a white man approached my father and told him we couldn't leave as his gf said I squeezed her butt while running past her... off course it was proven false (cameras) but like we were 'held' for about 40 mins and they left a long time ago.... before police did their investiagtions... smh). Misogyny. As a guy no. But police were also called on me while at Chuck E Cheese when I was supervising my niece and nephew (found it strange for a black male to solo watch kids.... lmao). No matter what you do, people will hate you for existing for whatever reasons. As a result, by default, i hate normies. And I assume thats also why u do as well. Cause its like, u hating me for things I can't control. While also saying that you are diverse/welcoming of all. No u not. So u set up defensive measures to ensure u don't become a victim of this hate. It may make u hate what u became. But u did it for a reason. Don't ever forget that. And till things change. Continue to protect yourself. Cause sorry. As a male its different. But I am not going to jail to be passed around. So I will continue to have my current mindset. Imo. U not at fault. Society is. U not a bad person. U just realised the realities of your life/situation. And adjusting accordingly (even though the adjustment means you go against your teachings/nature... that is, be caring to all).