Venting i can't trust anyone??

[T42]

i've been debating making a post about this because most of the time i just feel like a whiny baby and no one really cares to hear about it but i think i gotta vent to the void here at least a little bit because i've been holding in so much anger and sadness and i don't think i have anyone that i can talk to other than the folks on this site.

so i've had a past partner call the cops on me before when i wanted to jump off a bridge, and to be fair he didn't know that going inpatient tends to be more traumatizing than anything for me because i never told him. BUT MY CURRENT PARTNER. holy fuck. i feel so fucking dumb to think that i could trust him?? i thought i finally found someone who understood me and respected my autonomy enough to let me kill myself if i wanted. he said that he wouldn't tell anyone if i had a plan and all that. BUT HE LIED TO ME. he told my parents (who are very gentle about this whole situation and know that i hate inpatient) BUT HE ALSO CALLED THE FUCKING COPS. uuuugggghhhhh. he sent the cops to my house and nothing happened because i hadn't attempted nor did i have any self harm marks so they couldn't involuntarily hospitalize me. BUT STILL. he lied and i feel so betrayed and hurt and stupid.

like, i just don't understand why i am forced to stay alive? just because people don't want to deal with their own sadness or guilt. i think it's weird that people tell me to live life for myself and to do what i want and not what other people expect of me, but when i want to die i am forced to stay... for other people...?? it doesn't make sense to me. i'm not responsible for other people's emotions.

anyways this whole thing is way to similar to a past traumatic experience so now i associate my bf with that trauma. that's fun. and now i'm learning that i literally can't trust anyone no matter what they say. and i can't talk to anyone else about this because they're all going to say that my bf was just doing "what was best for me" and that "he did it because he cares" or some other nonsense like that. so i have these really intense bottled up feelings and i don't know how to deal with them other than screaming into the void.

 

[pole]

sorry about you're betrayals. the last thing you wanna do is let what you're feeling eat you up inside and suffer in silence. you have an opportunity to deal with these feelings that you have bottled up inside of you through letting them out to people who understand and care, there all right here.

definitely sucks dealing with trust issues. you wanna tell someone how you're feeling, cause it's eating you out alive and killing you slowly, you want them to be empathetic and comfort you. however, expecting that type of relationship and traits from someone is gonna lead to heartbreak. it sucks, cause you're average person isn't this person we want them to be. i've just learnt to keep it inside instead of allow someone else to just take my hurt and turn it against me through betrayal.