NSFW I can't stop myself

[Suicidebydeath]

Perhaps. I consider myself quite lucky because a lot of abused/traumatized kids grow up to be doormats who attract heartless assholes.

I will fight them! The heartless buttholes, not the kids. Fight for the kids/kidults! :)

Also highly relatable.

 

[littlelungs]

Perhaps. I consider myself quite lucky because a lot of abused/traumatized kids grow up to be doormats who attract heartless assholes.

That would be me. Quite a few men picked up on my vulnerability and desperation to be loved and accepted over the years and took advantage of it. One of my exes was particularly guilty of this – it didn't matter what kind of boundaries I set or how traumatized I was or if I told him to stop; he'd do it anyway.

Spoiler: Possible TW

I'd wake up to him having sex with me (which we never agreed on in advance) and if he tried to put himself somewhere I told him was completely off-limits for trauma reasons, he'd tell me to "chill", do it anyway and then called me crazy when I'd have an episode. I was afraid of resisting too much or making people mad at me because I'd learned that that would only ever result in more "punishment" or being instantly unloved or "useless" to the other person, and I just wanted to be loved so badly that it ultimately overrode these boundaries... so, I took it, and at a devastating cost to my psychological condition.

It didn't stop there and it didn't stop with him, and I blamed myself every time. To this day I'm still afraid that I'm "just overreacting" or that it's my fault that I was revictimized in adulthood, even though I would NEVER think this way if it were happening to anyone else – just me. It really fucks a person up when they're a victim of CSA and, upon telling someone, either nothing is done and/or they're outright told as child that what is happening to them is their fault; that they need to "keep their clothes on", that "boys will be boys", that they are the one who "shouldn't be doing stuff like that", etc. There's a part of me that will always blame myself for everything has happened to me, as both a child and an adult, because that's what I was told from an early age and it was repeatedly reinforced by others for so long, because I just... seemed to attract these kinds of people, and I blame myself for that, too, even though the "rational" part of me knows that it wasn't my fault. The trauma always seems to have the upper hand here, and it's exhausting.

Until I met my husband, I thought that this was normal; that this is just how it's "supposed" to be, because I simply didn't know any different... it was just how it had always been. I was used to being just a glorified sex toy to people, only good for my body, how I looked and what I could "do" for other people, and that I should just shut up and take it.

Sorry about blabbering about my own shit on your thread, my grammar probably sucks and I don't even know what I'm getting at here, but I immediately thought of my own situation when I read that little bit that I've quoted.

@hotelbeneathground, you have my utmost empathy. CSA fucks a person up beyond belief and it can take so many different forms. I'm so sorry for what you've had to live through, and live with.

 

[Lost Magic]

eh, good luck with that mate

 

[motel rooms]

That would be me. Quite a few men picked up on my vulnerability and desperation to be loved and accepted over the years and took advantage of it. One of my exes was particularly guilty of this – it didn't matter what kind of boundaries I set or how traumatized I was or if I told him to stop; he'd do it anyway.

Yeah, the world is full of ugly animals who start licking their chops the moment they smell someone's blood...

Until I met my husband, I thought that this was normal; that this is just how it's "supposed" to be, because I simply didn't know any different... it was just how it had always been. I was used to being just a glorified sex toy to people, only good for my body, how I looked and what I could "do" for other people, and that I should just shut up and take it.

My husband is still too quiet in so many areas of his life & that breaks my heart. He can't fool me by smiling every time I look at him, I know how deeply wounded & insecure he is. I wish I could be more wholesome for him, but I don't know how to be affectionate & comfort him without getting overwhelmed with lust. He's more than a mere sex object to me, but I can't pretend that I'm not sexually compulsive & that he doesn't drive me crazy. He's sensitive, but he doesn't look like a sickly little lamb.

Sorry about blabbering about my own shit on your thread, my grammar probably sucks and I don't even know what I'm getting at here, but I immediately thought of my own situation when I read that little bit that I've quoted.

Don't be silly, your comment was relevant to the subject.

@hotelbeneathground, you have my utmost empathy. CSA fucks a person up beyond belief and it can take so many different forms. I'm so sorry for what you've had to live through, and live with.

Thank you.

 

[Dot]

My husband is still too quiet in so many areas of his life & that breaks my heart. He can't fool me by smiling every time I look at him, I know how deeply wounded & insecure he is. I wish I could be more wholesome for him, but I don't know how to be affectionate & comfort him without getting overwhelmed with lust.

Hve u hrd mch abt lve languags. If nt wld b wrth a srch onlne

 

[motel rooms]

Hve u hrd mch abt lve languags. If nt wld b wrth a srch onlne

Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Physical Touch

Predictably, I pick the language of physical touch. I agree with Margaret Atwood:
"Touch comes before sight, before speech. It is the first language and the last, and it always tells the truth."

He doesn't like compliments. We do plenty of things together & for each other. We work out together, we listen to albums, I give him English lessons, we discuss the stuff he reads (textbooks & novels that he should have read ten years ago). I bitch about people & he calls me mean. He cooks, which is great because I hate it. Neither of us cleans. No useless gifts because I'm cheap.

 

[motel rooms]

The clock is set for nine, but you know you're gonna make it eight
So that you two can take some time, teach each other to reciprocate

It's like learning a new language
Helps me catch up on my mime
If you don't bring up those lonely parts
This could be a good time

It's like learning a new language
You come here to me
We'll collect those lonely parts
And set them down
You come here to me...

 

[motel rooms]

He says brief things.

 

[little helpers]

Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Physical Touch

Predictably, I pick the language of physical touch. I agree with Margaret Atwood:
"Touch comes before sight, before speech. It is the first language and the last, and it always tells the truth."

He doesn't like compliments. We do plenty of things together & for each other. We work out together, we listen to albums, I give him English lessons, we discuss the stuff he reads (textbooks & novels that he should have read ten years ago). I bitch about people & he calls me mean. He cooks, which is great because I hate it. Neither of us cleans. No useless gifts because I'm cheap.

think I'm both replying this to you and to @Dot here. hotel, you don't just cook your copy-pasta with Psychology Today and serve lol. I think there's a lot to explore going after Dot's suggestion. there's an app developed through VA that I really like. it's called PTSD Coach. intendedly it's more geared towards veterans but they got terrific advice and modules both partners can follow through. think you may wanna check it out. I should've known this earlier and not mess up my relationship with my ex. fuck me.

 

[Dot]

think I'm both replying this to you and to @Dot here. hotel, you don't just cook your copy-pasta with Psychology Today and serve lol. I think there's a lot to explore going after Dot's suggestion. there's an app developed through VA that I really like. it's called PTSD Coach. intendedly it's more geared towards veterans but they got terrific advice and modules both partners can follow through. think you may wanna check it out. I should've known this earlier and not mess up my relationship with my ex. fuck me.

Jst sw ths & realsd ddnt reply 2 o.p eithr. It is oftn mnt as smthng u bth g thrgh 2gthr bcse e.g. wrds of affrmatn r nt alwys complmnts & ur partnr mght hve a dffrnt lve langug.

Fwiw thgh readng ur psts & ur rply it lks lke th 2 of u r rlly lcky - nt icky ha - 2 hve eachthr & lks lke u hve a gr8 relatnshp. Hpe ur weddng dy ws rlly nce.

@little helpers tht snds lke a rlly gd app. Srry it ddnt hlp u in tme. Am in smlr situatn.

 

[little helpers]

Jst sw ths & realsd ddnt reply 2 o.p eithr. It is oftn mnt as smthng u bth g thrgh 2gthr bcse e.g. wrds of affrmatn r nt alwys complmnts & ur partnr mght hve a dffrnt lve langug.

Fwiw thgh readng ur psts & ur rply it lls lke th 2 of u r rlly lcky -nt icky ha - 2 hve eachthr & lks lke u hve a gr8 relatnshp. Hpe ur weddng dy ws rlly nce.

@little helpers tht snds lke a rlly gd app. Srry it ddnt hlp u in tme. Am in smlr situatn.

agreed. affirmation is not necessarily "you look cute today". sitting with the other person through their pain is affirmation. being patient with each other is affirmation. many different things. it's all about making each other feel supported, in their own ways and catered to their own needs.

if you wanna share what you been going through or just vent, know I'm here for ya. :)