The Disqualified
Disqualified as a Human Being
- Feb 4, 2023
- 212
Everything, everywhere, everytime... it all reminds me of my alienation from human society and life itself. I am lost. Today was horrible, so painful. I can't move on.
I have been a loner my whole life. My friendships are all farcical. I am alone. I have suffered so much trauma, pain and rejection. I am a fundamental mistake. I am broken to the core. There is no fixing me.
I want to run away forever.
Today got me thinking about everything again; I feel immense bitterness and anger. I simply lost all my youth due to this horrible disease, all while those who mocked me and abused me got away with it all. They are all living the best of lives now while I rot in a suicide forum. The whole system failed me and destroyed me. I didn't do anything because I was a pathetic loser, a coward, a pussy. My anxiety was so great I couldn't speak nor live at all. Kindergarten was hell, family was hell, school was hell, highschool was hell, college is hell, work is hell, social life is hell. Everything is hell. I don't want to live anymore. There is no future for me.
And my alienation goes even deeper than that. It is not just social: I also feel alienated on a fundamental level. Everywhere I look I see the same farcicality and cowardice of human beings. Those ignorant, malicious and hateful have the easiest lives. All my candidness and authenticity has only been met with harm and rejection. I just want to end this horrible, scandalous, cosmic mistake that taints the whole universe with its mere existence.
I don't want to get better. I don't want help. I don't want people to care about me. I don't want to stop being a victim. I don't want to put in the effort and assume my mistakes and keep improving anymore. I don't want to smile and move on. I don't want to take this all alone.
What do I want then? All I want is to kill myself and end this horrible, unfathomable mistake that has blighted the universe ever since the cosmic scandal that was my birth.
Yes, that's what I want. That's what they all want. That's what all the world leads up to. Only my death can finally bring me the everlasting peace I so sincerely wish. Only then will all my problems be solved. Only then will I wake up somewhere else — somewhere peaceful, ethereal, quiescent. Somewhere the sun never truly sets, but stays in that eternal sunset I so sincerely wish to rest beneath. That is all I want.
Just writing all of this; writing like this, poetically; like an elegy; imagining the scene... It makes me feel better. I feel better now. I feel better now after writing this. I just want peace. That is all I most sincerely want. That's all. Nothing less, nothing more. Just peace.
I have been a loner my whole life. My friendships are all farcical. I am alone. I have suffered so much trauma, pain and rejection. I am a fundamental mistake. I am broken to the core. There is no fixing me.
I want to run away forever.
Today got me thinking about everything again; I feel immense bitterness and anger. I simply lost all my youth due to this horrible disease, all while those who mocked me and abused me got away with it all. They are all living the best of lives now while I rot in a suicide forum. The whole system failed me and destroyed me. I didn't do anything because I was a pathetic loser, a coward, a pussy. My anxiety was so great I couldn't speak nor live at all. Kindergarten was hell, family was hell, school was hell, highschool was hell, college is hell, work is hell, social life is hell. Everything is hell. I don't want to live anymore. There is no future for me.
And my alienation goes even deeper than that. It is not just social: I also feel alienated on a fundamental level. Everywhere I look I see the same farcicality and cowardice of human beings. Those ignorant, malicious and hateful have the easiest lives. All my candidness and authenticity has only been met with harm and rejection. I just want to end this horrible, scandalous, cosmic mistake that taints the whole universe with its mere existence.
I don't want to get better. I don't want help. I don't want people to care about me. I don't want to stop being a victim. I don't want to put in the effort and assume my mistakes and keep improving anymore. I don't want to smile and move on. I don't want to take this all alone.
What do I want then? All I want is to kill myself and end this horrible, unfathomable mistake that has blighted the universe ever since the cosmic scandal that was my birth.
Yes, that's what I want. That's what they all want. That's what all the world leads up to. Only my death can finally bring me the everlasting peace I so sincerely wish. Only then will all my problems be solved. Only then will I wake up somewhere else — somewhere peaceful, ethereal, quiescent. Somewhere the sun never truly sets, but stays in that eternal sunset I so sincerely wish to rest beneath. That is all I want.
Just writing all of this; writing like this, poetically; like an elegy; imagining the scene... It makes me feel better. I feel better now. I feel better now after writing this. I just want peace. That is all I most sincerely want. That's all. Nothing less, nothing more. Just peace.
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