suicidaltoad
Member
- Mar 9, 2020
- 43
Prepare yourselves, this will be a long post.
I guess you could say my problems revolve around a girl, but I think it's deeper than that. My first ever girlfriend, who I was with for over 2 years, left me back in December. I'll use her first initial, M. She wasn't sure if she wanted a break or to break up, and I think I pushed her a bit too hard and she decided she was done. It all started back in May when I left my job of almost 3 years for an opportunity for a lot more pay working with M's brother at a power washing company. Illegal working conditions, such as working 12 hours straight in the summer heat with pretty much no breaks, caused me to leave that job. He left not long after I did. I couldn't go back to my previous job because I pretty much ghosted them and can't be re-hired for 7 years. I was too anxious to call them and be honest with them, so they tried calling me three times to see what was going on and I just ignored them.
Anyway, my depression skyrocketed over the course of the next 6 months. I lost a ton of weight, at least 30 pounds. I looked like I was dying. My depression is where my girlfriend had problems. I was depressed enough that I wouldn't really show her a lot of love. She'd want to hold my hand and I'd pull away, I'd get frustrated with her easily. I cut myself and would try to hide it from her, and when she'd notice and ask about it I'd shut her down real quick. She tried to talk to me about my problems and at first I'd talk, but over time I stopped trying because I didn't want to burden her anymore. She dealt with it for as long as she could, I guess. One day in December, M starts sobbing, and tells me she sent provocative pictures back and forth to a coworker while pleading with me to not kill myself. I had a panic attack on her couch, then cried a bit and left. As I'm walking out the door, she's pleading with me to not leave, and says "I'm not gonna see you tomorrow, am I?" I say "I don't know," knowing that I'll come back over like I always do. Next day she tells me what I said in the beginning, she doesn't know if she wants to break up or not. Pretty much my entire day is spent crying on her couch while she does her own thing. Three weeks go by, I try a couple times to get her to come back, to no avail. It most likely made things worse.
Then towards the end of January we finally have the talk. She's done. She cheated on me as an excuse to break up with me because I need to get help, and I made her want to kill herself. Who says that to another person? She has her own problems with depression and anxiety, so she knows what I'm going through. M says she loves me, she cares about me, and I need to get help. Then, I guess I had to know at the time, I asked her if she did anything else with the guy. She brought him home one night. She told me that guy was nice to her when I wasn't. I got upset, and she got even more upset at me for telling her multiple times that if we broke up, I'd kill myself. Looking back on that now, that's manipulative as hell and I regret it but I never meant it that way. It's honestly how I felt. She told me to get the @#$% out of her house, and I said "Don't worry, I am. You'll never see me again." She said, "Good." We haven't spoken since.
I know that first love is really strong and all that, but she really felt like the person for me, and she felt the same. I had felt love before, this girl felt the same but nothing ever came of it because of my anxiety. The love I felt with M was nothing compared to the first girl. I had met M in middle school back in 2014, and she told me many times that she knew we'd end up together somehow. I remember one day in class, someone yelled in a silent room, "SUICIDAL TOAD, DO YOU LIKE M?!" Obviously I did, but I said no because of my anxiety, and because it was a room full of other kids. She switched schools after that year, and I never saw her again until 2017. The second I saw her, I immediately felt comfortable around her. I never feel that comfortable around people. I asked her out that night, and the rest is history. I was no longer alone, I actually felt happy for once in my life.
I have a feeling she didn't actually cheat on me. I can't see her doing that. I could get into her Snapchat to find out but I don't think I want to know. I did so much for her. I bought her and her mom groceries multiple times. I painted her room as a surprise while she was at school. I bought her a brand new phone out of pocket. I drove her to and from work really late at night. I was there for her when she was having really bad depression and anxiety. There were multiple times when I believe most guys would have left her, and that thought never even crossed my mind. I was even seriously considering moving in with her right before all of this happened. Now, with my favorite person gone, I'm alone again.
Sorry for this long post, now on to my current problem. I have SN on the way. I take mirtazapine now to help me eat, and I read that can be used in place of an antiemetic, is this true?
I'll hopefully have all the supplies soon, but I don't know if I'll have the strength to actually do it. My will to live is pretty much gone. I finally got a job but not even that has made me even slightly happy, it's actually made my anxiety worse. I kinda want to live, yet I really don't at the same time. I can't get her out of my head and it's driving me insane. I wonder if she still thinks about me.
So, I'll have SN and I may have an antiemetic, but if mirtazapine won't work, would veterinary meto work? That's all I can find. I'll have a week or so to myself towards the end of the month and I'm not sure I'll be able to even kill myself. I can't seem to do anything right. I'm tired of my social anxiety, I'm tired of my depression, I'm just tired of living but I can't even end it.
I guess you could say my problems revolve around a girl, but I think it's deeper than that. My first ever girlfriend, who I was with for over 2 years, left me back in December. I'll use her first initial, M. She wasn't sure if she wanted a break or to break up, and I think I pushed her a bit too hard and she decided she was done. It all started back in May when I left my job of almost 3 years for an opportunity for a lot more pay working with M's brother at a power washing company. Illegal working conditions, such as working 12 hours straight in the summer heat with pretty much no breaks, caused me to leave that job. He left not long after I did. I couldn't go back to my previous job because I pretty much ghosted them and can't be re-hired for 7 years. I was too anxious to call them and be honest with them, so they tried calling me three times to see what was going on and I just ignored them.
Anyway, my depression skyrocketed over the course of the next 6 months. I lost a ton of weight, at least 30 pounds. I looked like I was dying. My depression is where my girlfriend had problems. I was depressed enough that I wouldn't really show her a lot of love. She'd want to hold my hand and I'd pull away, I'd get frustrated with her easily. I cut myself and would try to hide it from her, and when she'd notice and ask about it I'd shut her down real quick. She tried to talk to me about my problems and at first I'd talk, but over time I stopped trying because I didn't want to burden her anymore. She dealt with it for as long as she could, I guess. One day in December, M starts sobbing, and tells me she sent provocative pictures back and forth to a coworker while pleading with me to not kill myself. I had a panic attack on her couch, then cried a bit and left. As I'm walking out the door, she's pleading with me to not leave, and says "I'm not gonna see you tomorrow, am I?" I say "I don't know," knowing that I'll come back over like I always do. Next day she tells me what I said in the beginning, she doesn't know if she wants to break up or not. Pretty much my entire day is spent crying on her couch while she does her own thing. Three weeks go by, I try a couple times to get her to come back, to no avail. It most likely made things worse.
Then towards the end of January we finally have the talk. She's done. She cheated on me as an excuse to break up with me because I need to get help, and I made her want to kill herself. Who says that to another person? She has her own problems with depression and anxiety, so she knows what I'm going through. M says she loves me, she cares about me, and I need to get help. Then, I guess I had to know at the time, I asked her if she did anything else with the guy. She brought him home one night. She told me that guy was nice to her when I wasn't. I got upset, and she got even more upset at me for telling her multiple times that if we broke up, I'd kill myself. Looking back on that now, that's manipulative as hell and I regret it but I never meant it that way. It's honestly how I felt. She told me to get the @#$% out of her house, and I said "Don't worry, I am. You'll never see me again." She said, "Good." We haven't spoken since.
I know that first love is really strong and all that, but she really felt like the person for me, and she felt the same. I had felt love before, this girl felt the same but nothing ever came of it because of my anxiety. The love I felt with M was nothing compared to the first girl. I had met M in middle school back in 2014, and she told me many times that she knew we'd end up together somehow. I remember one day in class, someone yelled in a silent room, "SUICIDAL TOAD, DO YOU LIKE M?!" Obviously I did, but I said no because of my anxiety, and because it was a room full of other kids. She switched schools after that year, and I never saw her again until 2017. The second I saw her, I immediately felt comfortable around her. I never feel that comfortable around people. I asked her out that night, and the rest is history. I was no longer alone, I actually felt happy for once in my life.
I have a feeling she didn't actually cheat on me. I can't see her doing that. I could get into her Snapchat to find out but I don't think I want to know. I did so much for her. I bought her and her mom groceries multiple times. I painted her room as a surprise while she was at school. I bought her a brand new phone out of pocket. I drove her to and from work really late at night. I was there for her when she was having really bad depression and anxiety. There were multiple times when I believe most guys would have left her, and that thought never even crossed my mind. I was even seriously considering moving in with her right before all of this happened. Now, with my favorite person gone, I'm alone again.
Sorry for this long post, now on to my current problem. I have SN on the way. I take mirtazapine now to help me eat, and I read that can be used in place of an antiemetic, is this true?
I'll hopefully have all the supplies soon, but I don't know if I'll have the strength to actually do it. My will to live is pretty much gone. I finally got a job but not even that has made me even slightly happy, it's actually made my anxiety worse. I kinda want to live, yet I really don't at the same time. I can't get her out of my head and it's driving me insane. I wonder if she still thinks about me.
So, I'll have SN and I may have an antiemetic, but if mirtazapine won't work, would veterinary meto work? That's all I can find. I'll have a week or so to myself towards the end of the month and I'm not sure I'll be able to even kill myself. I can't seem to do anything right. I'm tired of my social anxiety, I'm tired of my depression, I'm just tired of living but I can't even end it.
