Venting I can't live through another Christmas

[backtoearth]

[I'm just ranting here because there is nowhere else I can put this shit and I cba finding my journal rn]

As the days go by I can't help but be hyper-aware of how close the festive period is. I can't stand it, I feel sick with nerves just thinking about it. The only way I can think of to get out of it is either being in hospital, disappearing, or just dying. I didn't even think I'd make it this far through the year so the last option gets more and more tempting as the time gets closer.

It's so selfish the reasons I dislike this time of year but how can anyone be happy in a town that triggers them immensely, in the house I experienced some of my worst nights and memories, forced in a room with their mother who is slowly dying and deteriorating. It is always so uncomfortable and I can't do another round of having to pretend I care about my mother like she isn't the most mean, bitter woman you could ever meet. The woman that never fucking cared my whole childhood.

My mind is flicking between running away and seeing what happens or just ending it, I have a history with OTC ODs so that's always an option to get me into hospital for at least a night or two. I can't bear the thought of going to that place again. I have been disabled and my life ruined due to the things that happened there, I have psychosis that stems from the trauma, how do they expect me to go there and just be fine? God I wish I could just die in my sleep, I wish I could easily get my hands on some fent or SN, I wish things were fucking easier for once, I wish that my life wasn't a series of trauma and horrors and disappointment.

 

[Raindancer]

Hey, that is a heavy load to carry. I can only imagine how upsetting this must be for you. I am so sorry your options are limited. Is there no way you can just refuse to come or is that not an option? Going back to somewhere where trauma happened can be so triggering or even being more trauma. You have every right not to go back. I cannot tell you how many nights I wish not to wake up as well and am also struggling with the holidays coming. I wish things were easier for you too.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really awful what you go through, it's cruel how people have to suffer so much in this existence. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[backtoearth]

Hey, that is a heavy load to carry. I can only imagine how upsetting this must be for you. I am so sorry your options are limited. Is there no way you can just refuse to come or is that not an option? Going back to somewhere where trauma happened can be so triggering or even being more trauma. You have every right not to go back. I cannot tell you how many nights I wish not to wake up as well and am also struggling with the holidays coming. I wish things were easier for you too.

Thank you <3 I'm kinda morally obligated to go because it is my mother's happiest time of year and this will most likely be her last (she has been battling stage 4 cancer for 8 years now, most of that on some toxic treatment or experimental meds that have completely destroyed her body and mind so she wouldn't understand) It really can be, and sleeping in my childhood bedroom just reminds me of all the thing I thought about or did in there. I wish I had the courage to bring it up to my dad because he vaguely gets it but the guilt of ruining such a special time of year for them and the consequences of that are just too much for me.

I wish things were easier for the both of us, this can be such a difficult time of year <3 sending you love wherever you are

 

[backtoearth]

I cannot believe I am in this position again this year, my mother is still alive (just) and now has some form of dementia or brain damage from the unbelievably long time she has been on destructive medications. I am even more pressured to return home this year, it's the last thing that I was expecting to happen. I feel so pathetic that I have just been too scared this whole year to do anything to really change these issues, but then again what can I actually do about this.

I cannot do that again, I do not have the energy for another intense episode, I do not have the capacity to think about this in a logical way, I need out.