I can’t live like this

[willitpass]

I'm sitting in my car right now, in the parking lot for somewhere I'm supposed to be in a few minutes. But I can't convince myself to go in. I see no fucking point in doing anything anymore. I can't fucking live like this. It's going to ruin everything I have in my life soon. And I don't know to make myself care. I don't know what to do. I can't carry on like this. I'm sitting here debating driving off and not stopping for hours. It wouldn't take long at all for people to notice my absence and come looking for me. With my mental health history I'd have someone on my ass dragging me to the hospital within a couple days at most once I stop showing up places I'm supposed to be. Part of me is considering calling a hotline not because they'll do anything for me but because I just need to actually talk to a real human about what's going on in my head. I know it would be pointless though. They'd spew some useless platitudes about how strong I am and then I'd have to lie and say I'm not a danger to myself. Part of me just wants to go to the nearest bridge over a river and jump in. I know it wouldn't work though, the bridges aren't high enough and the water isn't fast enough right now. So I'm still sitting in my car, still breaking down, still not knowing what to do.

 

[SVEN]

All I can say is that so many of us have felt just what you're feeling now. You're not alone in your quiet desperation, every good wish.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I understand your frustration. I am so tired I just want to lie down and die.

 

[KillingPain267]

Yeah, a year ago I thought of just travelling to the other side of the globe and just disappearing and starving to death there or find someone to play Russian roulette with.

 

[willitpass]

The only thing keeping me going before was the belief that I would soon be gone. Having now failed four serious attempts in my life I feel completely trapped in this existence with nowhere left to turn for relief. I'm losing my grip on myself without the comfort of knowing I'll be gone soon to keep me sane.
I feel like doing something impulsive. I don't have anything to lose at this point. I can't continue carrying on like everything is fine. I can't just tell someone what is going on either it'll ruin everything. I'm trapped. What the fuck does it matter if I do something stupid anymore.

 

[nir]

I'm sitting in my car right now, in the parking lot for somewhere I'm supposed to be in a few minutes. But I can't convince myself to go in. I see no fucking point in doing anything anymore. I can't fucking live like this. It's going to ruin everything I have in my life soon. And I don't know to make myself care. I don't know what to do. I can't carry on like this. I'm sitting here debating driving off and not stopping for hours. It wouldn't take long at all for people to notice my absence and come looking for me. With my mental health history I'd have someone on my ass dragging me to the hospital within a couple days at most once I stop showing up places I'm supposed to be. Part of me is considering calling a hotline not because they'll do anything for me but because I just need to actually talk to a real human about what's going on in my head. I know it would be pointless though. They'd spew some useless platitudes about how strong I am and then I'd have to lie and say I'm not a danger to myself. Part of me just wants to go to the nearest bridge over a river and jump in. I know it wouldn't work though, the bridges aren't high enough and the water isn't fast enough right now. So I'm still sitting in my car, still breaking down, still not knowing what to do.

This feeling of numbness is genuinely one of the worst feelings in the world. Just feeling like there is no point in literally anything - it is such a hollow feeling, and so many people don't get it.

I'm so sorry you're going through so much shit, constantly. I wish the world had treated you better.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Considering what you've recently been through, I don't know how you're coping at all. I guess it is that reality that the alternative- of people finding out- could well make things worse. What happened in the end? Did you do the thing you had to do? How are you feeling physically now?

Not that I expect it means a thing but, I have been thinking about you. Not in a dodgy way. Just in a- I wonder how I'd cope with that- way. Fortunately, I barely have to leave the house now- I work from home. But, when I used to have to go in to work, even regular days were hard sometimes. I hope you got through your day bearably and went home to your lovely cat.

 

[willitpass]

Considering what you've recently been through, I don't know how you're coping at all. I guess it is that reality that the alternative- of people finding out- could well make things worse. What happened in the end? Did you do the thing you had to do? How are you feeling physically now?

Not that I expect it means a thing but, I have been thinking about you. Not in a dodgy way. Just in a- I wonder how I'd cope with that- way. Fortunately, I barely have to leave the house now- I work from home. But, when I used to have to go in to work, even regular days were hard sometimes. I hope you got through your day bearably and went home to your lovely cat.

I didn't end up going. I drove around aimlessly for hours. Completely broke down for a good while. I've had someone text me asking where I was and they are very worried about me after not showing up. I haven't texted them back yet because I don't know what to say. "Hey yeah sorry I just had a complete mental breakdown!" That'd go over real well. My eyes burn from crying so much. I just don't really know where I'm going to go from here.

 

[willitpass]

Something really has to give. One way or another. I cannot live the way I've been living this year.

 

[anopenwound]

Something really has to give. One way or another. I cannot live the way I've been living this year.

I could have written this myself. This is beyond unbearable. I'm so sorry you're going through it.

 

[nir]

Just checking in, how was today?

 

[willitpass]

I got commissioned by someone yesterday to make something with one of my hobbies I am incredibly (as in professional level) talented in. I haven't done it in months because I just have no motivation or desire. I almost canceled last minute because I just didn't want to do it. It didn't help that I had a horrible headache and didn't sleep much at all last night. But I have canceled and called out of so many things as of late. So I chugged an energy drink and got started. As much as my mind is telling me how wrong it is, I actually am enjoying it.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

so happy to hear you're able to do something you enjoy. even if it's just for a time you're in my thoughts.

 

[willitpass]

I sent my doctor a message about the insomnia as I just can't take the lack of sleep anymore. Not sure that there is anything she can do but I just need sleep so desperately.

 

[nir]

so happy to hear you're able to do something you enjoy. even if it's just for a time you're in my thoughts.

I'm always so impressed when people get good enough at their hobbies that they get to professional-level with it. I feel like my hobby is starting hobbies and dropping them after a few weeks

 

[willitpass]

I'm always so impressed when people get good enough at their hobbies that they get to professional-level with it. I feel like my hobby is starting hobbies and dropping them after a few weeks

I do that quite often too. But I've got a couple I've stuck around with on and off for so many years I've become extremely good at them. When my mental health allows I really do enjoy them. My apartment is a graveyard for my half finished projects for hobbies I pick up for two days though.

 

[wren-briar]

I'm always so impressed when people get good enough at their hobbies that they get to professional-level with it.

1000%

I feel like my hobby is starting hobbies and dropping them after a few weeks

fwiw: I felt like this for a really long time (decades, in fact) but then one would bleed into the next, and then into the next, and then they largely coalesced around a few core themes. So, just follow your hobbies wherever they take you, and see what happens.

(On the flipside, since I was made actively suicidial, I have had NO, zip, zilch, zero interest to work on anything, to include all those hobbies that I once craved working on.)

 

[willitpass]

I'm so incredibly bloated. My pants don't even fit right I'm so bloated. I need to clean myself out ASAP.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I got commissioned by someone yesterday to make something with one of my hobbies I am incredibly (as in professional level) talented in. I haven't done it in months because I just have no motivation or desire. I almost canceled last minute because I just didn't want to do it. It didn't help that I had a horrible headache and didn't sleep much at all last night. But I have canceled and called out of so many things as of late. So I chugged an energy drink and got started. As much as my mind is telling me how wrong it is, I actually am enjoying it.

Curiosity kills the cat. Too bad I am not a cat.

(it's okay, if you wanted to divulge I am sure you would have.)

 

[willitpass]

I'm so painfully bloated. I genuinely look pregnant. I just took a quadruple dose of Milk of Magnesia and I'm about to do a suppository. To anyone with an eating disorder- when they warn you not to abuse laxatives because you become dependent on them, they are not lying. I knew what I was getting myself into when I started this, but I simply don't care. I'd rather abuse them every single day than not use them at all.

 

[willitpass]

I shit a ton throughout the night. I was so backed up I'm still not cleaned out but I think I'll take more laxatives soon to keep things going. I've had to prep to get my life back together and start doing things that I had been putting off since I did not die and currently have no set plan on what to try next. My mind is still hyperfixated on setting myself on fire but I'm trying to keep myself calm and prevent myself from doing it by telling myself I need to look into other options first.

 

[willitpass]

I keep alternating from a reasonably level head and trying to logically process through my options going forward and completely becoming overtaken by such an intense desire to get out that I don't care what it takes.

In the meantime, I'm just going to continue working to fuck my body up big time. I took another laxative overdose this afternoon and I will continue to take it every day. I used to reserve overdoses for days where I had nothing to do, but I've learned over time that I have good control over myself so I will go ahead and do it day in and day out. If I'm lucky enough then one day the electrolyte derangements will kill me before I find myself doing something horrifically drastic. Maybe a combination of overdosing, laxative abuse, and severe sleep deprivation will finish me off.

 

[BlockHammer]

I can relate to you, i tried to learn new things not only to get a job but also to distract me from my shitty life, sometimes i do think is my effort would not gonna pay off, like i tried to do programming but it seems it's going to be useless considering that im gonna get too old and no one would rectuit me, sometimes i just want to drink SN or tried other methode and end it all