I can’t live like this

[willitpass]

I'm sitting in my car right now, in the parking lot for somewhere I'm supposed to be in a few minutes. But I can't convince myself to go in. I see no fucking point in doing anything anymore. I can't fucking live like this. It's going to ruin everything I have in my life soon. And I don't know to make myself care. I don't know what to do. I can't carry on like this. I'm sitting here debating driving off and not stopping for hours. It wouldn't take long at all for people to notice my absence and come looking for me. With my mental health history I'd have someone on my ass dragging me to the hospital within a couple days at most once I stop showing up places I'm supposed to be. Part of me is considering calling a hotline not because they'll do anything for me but because I just need to actually talk to a real human about what's going on in my head. I know it would be pointless though. They'd spew some useless platitudes about how strong I am and then I'd have to lie and say I'm not a danger to myself. Part of me just wants to go to the nearest bridge over a river and jump in. I know it wouldn't work though, the bridges aren't high enough and the water isn't fast enough right now. So I'm still sitting in my car, still breaking down, still not knowing what to do.

 

[SVEN]

All I can say is that so many of us have felt just what you're feeling now. You're not alone in your quiet desperation, every good wish.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I understand your frustration. I am so tired I just want to lie down and die.

 

[KillingPain267]

Yeah, a year ago I thought of just travelling to the other side of the globe and just disappearing and starving to death there or find someone to play Russian roulette with.

 

[willitpass]

The only thing keeping me going before was the belief that I would soon be gone. Having now failed four serious attempts in my life I feel completely trapped in this existence with nowhere left to turn for relief. I'm losing my grip on myself without the comfort of knowing I'll be gone soon to keep me sane.
I feel like doing something impulsive. I don't have anything to lose at this point. I can't continue carrying on like everything is fine. I can't just tell someone what is going on either it'll ruin everything. I'm trapped. What the fuck does it matter if I do something stupid anymore.

 

[nir]

I'm sitting in my car right now, in the parking lot for somewhere I'm supposed to be in a few minutes. But I can't convince myself to go in. I see no fucking point in doing anything anymore. I can't fucking live like this. It's going to ruin everything I have in my life soon. And I don't know to make myself care. I don't know what to do. I can't carry on like this. I'm sitting here debating driving off and not stopping for hours. It wouldn't take long at all for people to notice my absence and come looking for me. With my mental health history I'd have someone on my ass dragging me to the hospital within a couple days at most once I stop showing up places I'm supposed to be. Part of me is considering calling a hotline not because they'll do anything for me but because I just need to actually talk to a real human about what's going on in my head. I know it would be pointless though. They'd spew some useless platitudes about how strong I am and then I'd have to lie and say I'm not a danger to myself. Part of me just wants to go to the nearest bridge over a river and jump in. I know it wouldn't work though, the bridges aren't high enough and the water isn't fast enough right now. So I'm still sitting in my car, still breaking down, still not knowing what to do.

This feeling of numbness is genuinely one of the worst feelings in the world. Just feeling like there is no point in literally anything - it is such a hollow feeling, and so many people don't get it.

I'm so sorry you're going through so much shit, constantly. I wish the world had treated you better.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Considering what you've recently been through, I don't know how you're coping at all. I guess it is that reality that the alternative- of people finding out- could well make things worse. What happened in the end? Did you do the thing you had to do? How are you feeling physically now?

Not that I expect it means a thing but, I have been thinking about you. Not in a dodgy way. Just in a- I wonder how I'd cope with that- way. Fortunately, I barely have to leave the house now- I work from home. But, when I used to have to go in to work, even regular days were hard sometimes. I hope you got through your day bearably and went home to your lovely cat.

 

[willitpass]

Considering what you've recently been through, I don't know how you're coping at all. I guess it is that reality that the alternative- of people finding out- could well make things worse. What happened in the end? Did you do the thing you had to do? How are you feeling physically now?

Not that I expect it means a thing but, I have been thinking about you. Not in a dodgy way. Just in a- I wonder how I'd cope with that- way. Fortunately, I barely have to leave the house now- I work from home. But, when I used to have to go in to work, even regular days were hard sometimes. I hope you got through your day bearably and went home to your lovely cat.

I didn't end up going. I drove around aimlessly for hours. Completely broke down for a good while. I've had someone text me asking where I was and they are very worried about me after not showing up. I haven't texted them back yet because I don't know what to say. "Hey yeah sorry I just had a complete mental breakdown!" That'd go over real well. My eyes burn from crying so much. I just don't really know where I'm going to go from here.

 

[willitpass]

Something really has to give. One way or another. I cannot live the way I've been living this year.

 

[anopenwound]

Something really has to give. One way or another. I cannot live the way I've been living this year.

I could have written this myself. This is beyond unbearable. I'm so sorry you're going through it.

 

[nir]

Just checking in, how was today?