Venting i cant live like this anymore

[HerBetrayal_]

i have been suicidal for well over a year now. i cant see myself living happily or vision a future where i dont feel like this all the time. i have been waiting my entire life for it to get better and have even made efforts to try to change the state of my life. But everytime something starts going good for me, i have an episode and ruin it, leaving me right back where i started. I have come to terms with the fact that this is just how my brain is and nothing will ever make me happy.