I can't kill myself because my father will have a stroke if I do

[maleontraen]

The title may sound a tad laughable when read at first. But it states the reason why I'm condemned to suffer and keep myself alive.

I was fully ready to hang myself and exit this life of mental suffering and agony. Then my father's medical report arrives. His blood pressure has reached critical heights and the slightest bit of stress can trigger upsurges and any event of shock or trauma will most definitely induce a stroke, probably a fatal or incapacitating one. Examples of this have occured already, a slight hemorrhaging inside my father's nose begins to bleed if he simply worries about a minor thing. As a result, I can't commit suicide.

My father and I weren't too close (closer than many, more distanced than many others). But he will be struck with grief at my passing anyway, that added with the stress from the surrounding society he'll have to endure for being the father of a sun who killed himself (Yes, if a family's member commits suicide, that family is shamed by people in my country. Sounds ridiculous, but it's the reality) will without doubt cause him to have a stroke. One possibility, he dies. Another possibility, he's bed-ridden and my aging mother has to nurse him until his eventual death. This might sound like I'm looking for excuses, I assure you I'm not. I know if I'm dead I shouldn't care what happens to others, but my moral compass isn't allowing it.

So I have to keep on living, day after day through frustration, suffering, miniscule stings of humiliation, OCD, and mental illness.
It just feels so bad, I don't want to fucking do this anymore, it's not worth it. I know I'll never achieve anything, I know there's
no hope. I just don't fucking want to fucking do this anymore.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

It´s horrible being held emotionally hostage by the love for our parents

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

It´s horrible being held emotionally hostage by the love for our parents

Amen! Or being emotionally hostage by friends and family. Some people have children and can't leave at all. It's such a hard trip filled with guilt and pain.

 

[maleontraen]

It´s horrible being held emotionally hostage by the love for our parents

It´s horrible being held emotionally hostage by the love for our parents

I'm okay with the grief and sadness others will feel at my passing. Most of it'll wane over time. But in this situation I can end up causing my dad to actually die. That crosses the line for me.

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm in the same boat. One of my kids has a history of depression and told me "mommy if you ever get so sad you kill yourself I will too." Super fun with to hear from an 8 year old, and no I have never discussed my suicidal feelings with him. My ex also told me it would destroy him if I do, and the kids.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I know how much it sucks.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I'm okay with the grief and sadness others will feel at my passing. Most of it'll wane over time. But in this situation I can end up causing my dad to actually die. That crosses the line for me.

I feel the opposite, I know my suicide would ruin my parents lives forever but if they would die from it there would be no suffering which is good.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@nafenzer, it is exceedingly rare for me to see a situation in which there is not an alternative point of view to provide a shift or clarity.

I read your additional comment on this thread that you identify a line and take responsibility to not cross it.

You have my respect, my empathy, and my compassion.

Since, for now, it seems you must remain, I wish you peace and every internal and external resource you require in order to live your best possible life while it is imposed upon you. A best, I hope one day it will no longer be to you an imposition, and an even better best, that it proves worthy of wanting.

Thank you for sharing.