drowningcarcass
Carcass, they/them
- Sep 14, 2020
- 7
I'm worse than I have been in a long time. I'm very sick, mentally, and it is really rough - I'm entering the calm stage of walking to the stop. The stage where you just know you're going to CTB and you're okay with it and you've just accepted that things are the way that they are.
But I'm worried about my loved ones. They care about me a lot, but I can't keep doing this, and I really can't keep suffering because it hurts them when I am hurting. They worry and worry and worry, and they feel like they have to help, and they want me to be okay or at least act okay because then they don't have to worry. I know that if I CTB I will hurt them very badly but part of me thinks that at least they won't worry anymore, and they can cope with that instead of constantly being dragged down by me. I also don't know how to say goodbye. I don't know how to tell them that I am hurting so badly that I need to go. And I would have to tell them somehow, because they are all online, and if I just vanished it wouldn't be closure for them. I'm thinking about setting up a scheduled email before I go, and setting it for months in advance from when I actually get on the bus, and then if I fail at that then I can delete the email. But if I'm not around to stop it from sending, then it will let them know.
It is a horrible horrible ache, like a hunger. Sometimes I can quell it for short periods of time but it always surges back up and consumes me again, and sometimes I am too weak to get out of bed and eat just to stave it off. I've obviously lived up until this point, but every time it gets this bad it is worse than the last time; I get more and more tired, and I slow down - Like someone with hypothermia, slowly dwindling to a stop, curling up in the snow and going to sleep because they are just so tired and can't possibly go any further. I can't go any further. I am so tired. If I lie down and rest, it will be the last time I do so.
But I'm worried about my loved ones. They care about me a lot, but I can't keep doing this, and I really can't keep suffering because it hurts them when I am hurting. They worry and worry and worry, and they feel like they have to help, and they want me to be okay or at least act okay because then they don't have to worry. I know that if I CTB I will hurt them very badly but part of me thinks that at least they won't worry anymore, and they can cope with that instead of constantly being dragged down by me. I also don't know how to say goodbye. I don't know how to tell them that I am hurting so badly that I need to go. And I would have to tell them somehow, because they are all online, and if I just vanished it wouldn't be closure for them. I'm thinking about setting up a scheduled email before I go, and setting it for months in advance from when I actually get on the bus, and then if I fail at that then I can delete the email. But if I'm not around to stop it from sending, then it will let them know.
It is a horrible horrible ache, like a hunger. Sometimes I can quell it for short periods of time but it always surges back up and consumes me again, and sometimes I am too weak to get out of bed and eat just to stave it off. I've obviously lived up until this point, but every time it gets this bad it is worse than the last time; I get more and more tired, and I slow down - Like someone with hypothermia, slowly dwindling to a stop, curling up in the snow and going to sleep because they are just so tired and can't possibly go any further. I can't go any further. I am so tired. If I lie down and rest, it will be the last time I do so.
