I can't go before I don't tell my son the truth

[requiemforadream]

I want to leave in a few days but there is one thing going in my head, I want him to know my motives, I want my child to understand why I did that. I dont want him to cry over his whole life because one man couldn't stand it all. He won't care until he grow up. No man is one man army.

How can I leave him the message, in case he would search for me later in his life? I can't stand the pain anymore and I really would love to continue this journey solely for him but it's unbearable by now. I want him to understand. But how one child could understand why does his dad killed himself. I am too messed up to life by my own.

I want him to know that I loved him and I will love him forever. I want him to know that I did my best to save him and myself. I want him to know who I was and who could he be. My heart has been split milion of times already for the past three years thinking about it.

 

[The_Hunter]

How young is your son? If he is really young, then really, truly--I mean to be honest here--then nothing can replace there being a father for him growing up. I don't want you to have that guilt on your mind.

Once a friend told me, during an intensely emotional conversation about my suicidal feelings--"They don't want to remember you. They want to know you."

I echo a similar ideal for you, as well. A living, breathing father being there--no matter how broken or flawed, even a crying emotional father, even--is far better than absence. Absence is cold, lonely, and frankly impenetrable.

Your son is not yet a full grown human being. He needs other full-grown human beings to allow him to grow into a full one. Like how plants need water sun and shade. Please be his shade for a time. Maybe you can't be his water and sun but that's okay. He needs shade. He needs a father to be there for him as he grows up, no matter how bad or flawed the fatherwork might be.

Not saying you don't have the right to do whatever you want. You technically have full freedom. ...but morally? Then if so, we become bound by feelings and forces we cannot deny.

It does not look like you are at peace with this. You do not have to be. I implore you to counsel with yourself and be brutally honest; for there is no more honesty after death. Let your moral reasoning come about you, and carefully decide on that.

I wish you best of luck. May your son grow up healthy, and without suffering or traumas that could hold him back. Truly wishing the best for the future of your son. Take care of yourself <3

But how one child could understand why does his dad killed himself. I am too messed up to life by my own.

I think we've got a good truth here.

I give my own sole opinion to you here.

If you don't know why you're killing yourself... then you shouldn't kill yourself. I put this up there along with the "if you're unsure about killing yourself then don't kill yourself" value.

Think on your life more, think on what brought you here; why you're doing what you're doing and what came about for you to be here right now.

I mean... if you're going to die... may as well know why, right? It seems unreasonable to die for no reason, there should be some hard justification for such a hard action--I believe.

Take it easy. God, I can't imagine how much pressure is on you right now. Please take care of yourself.

You do not have to make a decision you do not want to make. Suicide should be a choice, not forced. It's "catching the bus", not "running onto the bus out of fear", after all. That is what I say here. I mean the best for you, and your son. You deserve a chance at life and deserve to live, and even if you decide to leave then it should not be with great regret or remorse; if such regret is present, then it's not your time yet. Death will wait forever, so it's not worth causing regrets to go earlier. Best of luck.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I want to leave in a few days but there is one thing going in my head, I want him to know my motives, I want my child to understand why I did that. I dont want him to cry over his whole life because one man couldn't stand it all. He won't care until he grow up. No man is one man army.

How can I leave him the message, in case he would search for me later in his life? I can't stand the pain anymore and I really would love to continue this journey solely for him but it's unbearable by now. I want him to understand. But how one child could understand why does his dad killed himself. I am too messed up to life by my own.

I want him to know that I loved him and I will love him forever. I want him to know that I did my best to save him and myself. I want him to know who I was and who could he be. My heart has been split milion of times already for the past three years thinking about it.

I've been grappling with these same thoughts about my 2 daughters. I want them to understand that I really did love them, but life was too painful for me to bear. They live with their mother and have always been more tight with her, so my passing wouldn't impact them materially at all, and I'm barely a part of their lives after the separation. It's so painful to be knocked out of the family like that, nobody understands the pain and I don't want to burden my girls with it. But I can't go on living this way.

I don't feel like I could write a note directy to them, so my crappy solution has been to tell my feelings to my wife so she could hopefully convey to the girls what happened after I CTB. I'm not sure how well it's working because she can be difficult to communicate with, but I figure it's better than nothing.

 

[neenie]

How young is your son? If he is really young, then really, truly--I mean to be honest here--then nothing can replace there being a father for him growing up. I don't want you to have that guilt on your mind.

Once a friend told me, during an intensely emotional conversation about my suicidal feelings--"They don't want to remember you. They want to know you."

I echo a similar ideal for you, as well. A living, breathing father being there--no matter how broken or flawed, even a crying emotional father, even--is far better than absence. Absence is cold, lonely, and frankly impenetrable.

Your son is not yet a full grown human being. He needs other full-grown human beings to allow him to grow into a full one. Like how plants need water sun and shade. Please be his shade for a time. Maybe you can't be his water and sun but that's okay. He needs shade. He needs a father to be there for him as he grows up, no matter how bad or flawed the fatherwork might be.

Not saying you don't have the right to do whatever you want. You technically have full freedom. ...but morally? Then if so, we become bound by feelings and forces we cannot deny.

It does not look like you are at peace with this. You do not have to be. I implore you to counsel with yourself and be brutally honest; for there is no more honesty after death. Let your moral reasoning come about you, and carefully decide on that.

I wish you best of luck. May your son grow up healthy, and without suffering or traumas that could hold him back. Truly wishing the best for the future of your son. Take care of yourself <3


I think we've got a good truth here.

I give my own sole opinion to you here.

If you don't know why you're killing yourself... then you shouldn't kill yourself. I put this up there along with the "if you're unsure about killing yourself then don't kill yourself" value.

Think on your life more, think on what brought you here; why you're doing what you're doing and what came about for you to be here right now.

I mean... if you're going to die... may as well know why, right? It seems unreasonable to die for no reason, there should be some hard justification for such a hard action--I believe.

Take it easy. God, I can't imagine how much pressure is on you right now. Please take care of yourself.

You do not have to make a decision you do not want to make. Suicide should be a choice, not forced. It's "catching the bus", not "running onto the bus out of fear", after all. That is what I say here. I mean the best for you, and your son. You deserve a chance at life and deserve to live, and even if you decide to leave then it should not be with great regret or remorse; if such regret is present, then it's not your time yet. Death will wait forever, so it's not worth causing regrets to go earlier. Best of luck.

Things are not as black and white as you put them. Having both parents doesn't mean a child will grow up healthier than if they were to be raised by only one of them. Dealing with a suicidal/depressed parent can be easier than, as difficult as or harder than dealing with a dead parent. It depends on a lot of factors and the OP doesn't give enough context for us to judge (and even with context it would still be very hard to assess).

 

[33-vertebrae]

Just write him a really in-depth letter for later.

Give it to someone you can trust to give it to him.