Venting I can’t fucking take it

[WillOxyWork]

I can't fucking take it that it's all my fault that my ears are permanently damaged. I am traumatized by the memory of using a pressure washer without protecting my hearing. What the fuck was I thinking?!

My life has been absolute hell for over 2 months since I damaged my ears. I can't live with the knowledge that this is all my fault and I could have stopped it. Whenever I remember how this happened I get this overwhelming urge to die. If I hadn't eaten recently I would take SN now without hesitation

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Is the damage irreparable?

 

[WillOxyWork]

Is the damage irreparable?

Yes, I have tinnitus and visual snow now which are lifelong conditions that doctors do not understand enough about

 

[Lostandfound7]

I am so sorry, love..I have only recently heard of the torment and debilitating effects of tinnitus. Is there any treatment that u can get for this?

This is def one of those situations/actions that u never would think could cause permanent damage..I, along with my husband, have also used a pressure washer and never even considered the damage it could cause..

There r a few threads on the SS forum that discuss tinnitus and some possible treatments..Here for u, my friend..Sending love and strength♡♡♡

Edit: Just read ur response regarding it being irreparable..I'm so sorry..

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Yes, I have tinnitus and visual snow now which are lifelong conditions that doctors do not understand enough about

I'm so sorry to hear this. There are no words to properly offer comfort in this situation, especially from someone who has not been through that experience, nor anything similar.

I do see hope, though. I see examples of people overcoming life's challenges each day. I see science making leaps and bounds and discovering solutions to issues previously thought unsolvable. I can't say if those things would be enough to motivate me to keep going, but I think they're worth considering.

 

[WillOxyWork]

Yeah, the real damage to my ears occurred over two years ago when I was right on top of a speaker for too long. I think my ears have just been sitting on the edge of total destruction and the pressure washer made for that final nudge. I should have known better though

I'm so sorry to hear this. There are no words to properly offer comfort in this situation, especially from someone who has not been through that experience, nor anything similar.

I do see hope, though. I see examples of people overcoming life's challenges each day. I see science making leaps and bounds and discovering solutions to issues previously thought unsolvable. I can't say if those things would be enough to motivate me to keep going, but I think they're worth considering.

It's so hard to see hope for this. We are still in the Stone Age of understanding the human brain, and tinnitus and visual snow are neurological conditions. We literally just lost a member, Sdj, to these problems, albeit his symptoms were more severe than mine currently. He spent hundreds of thousands of dollars and traveled the globe to see different doctors and none could help him.


I already suffered from depression before all this started but was getting by. This fucking broke me

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

it's all my fault that my ears are permanently damaged...What the fuck was I thinking?!

This sounds to me like an inner critic, the words and tone of someone else that were internalized.

I wonder who spoke to you this way.

I would have taken them aside and told them how damaging it was and how it would make it hard for you to manage being human and making mistakes.

 

[WillOxyWork]

This sounds to me like an inner critic, the words and tone of someone else that were internalized.

I wonder who spoke to you this way.

I would have taken them aside and told them how damaging it was and how it would make it hard for you to manage being human and making mistakes.

Hmm I'm not sure how that became a thing for me, but I've always been very hard on myself for making mistakes. Regardless, I can never forgive myself for something that has permanently damaged my health and sucked the enjoyment out of my life. I have to hide from sound now

 

[Abgrundanziehung]

My health and life were permanently damaged and came to a halt by decisions that I really "should have known better" too. I know what it's like. It's so weird how quickly life changes in an instant from one or two poor decisions and how random it is. Everyone does stupid stuff like that and most of the time we dodge the bullet. It's like Russian roulette and some of us aren't so lucky.

 

[WillOxyWork]

It's so weird how quickly life changes in an instant from one or two poor decisions and how random it is.

That is well said, thank you. I'm so sorry your health got permanently damaged too.

 

[Fedrea]

I can't fucking take it that it's all my fault that my ears are permanently damaged. I am traumatized by the memory of using a pressure washer without protecting my hearing. What the fuck was I thinking?!

My life has been absolute hell for over 2 months since I damaged my ears. I can't live with the knowledge that this is all my fault and I could have stopped it. Whenever I remember how this happened I get this overwhelming urge to die. If I hadn't eaten recently I would take SN now without hesitation

Right hang on. I did A LOT of research when I first got tinnitus. It's very very common for it to get quieter after a year or so. It's usually still loud at two months. In some cases even goes away.So hang in there. The most important factor everybody refers to is getting your stress levels down. Obviously this can be very very hard if you're depressed already for other reasons

 

[WillOxyWork]

Right hang on. I did A LOT of research when I first got tinnitus. It's very very common for it to get quieter after a year or so. It's usually still loud at two months. In some cases even goes away.So hang in there. The most important factor everybody refers to is getting your stress levels down. Obviously this can be very very hard if you're depressed already for other reasons

I've done a lot of research as well. I have reactive tinnitus and visual snow. I've found no evidence of that improving for anyone. It's only worsened. If it were standard tinnitus I'd feel differently

And my main issue with the tinnitus is that I have to give up everything that made me me. Music is now distorted. I can never enjoy a concert again (some of the happiest moments of my life were concerts). I was a high-ranked competitive FPS player and can't do that anymore either. My SO left me after my mental health slipped because of the tinnitus.

 

[Fedrea]

I've done a lot of research as well. I have reactive tinnitus and visual snow. I've found no evidence of that improving for anyone. It's only worsened. If it were standard tinnitus I'd feel differently

And my main issue with the tinnitus is that I have to give up everything that made me me. Music is now distorted. I can never enjoy a concert again (some of the happiest moments of my life were concerts). I was a high-ranked competitive FPS player and can't do that anymore either. My SO left me after my mental health slipped because of the tinnitus.

You are saying when it's associated visual snow and it's reactive the prognosis is different?

 

[WillOxyWork]

You are saying when it's associated visual snow and it's reactive the prognosis is different?

I've read into a lot of cases of people with reactive tinnitus online and not one has seen improvement. Visual snow doesn't improve either - it stays the same or worsens. And the visual snow points to the fact that something is neurologically wrong with me

I've read into a lot of cases of people with reactive tinnitus online and not one has seen improvement. Visual snow doesn't improve either - it stays the same or worsens. And the visual snow points to the fact that something is neurologically wrong with me

Okay I've done some more reading and reactive tinnitus can improve in some cases. I just didn't want to believe it because I just want more of an excuse to ctb. What's killing me is how my life has completely fallen apart in the last 2 months and I've lost everything. And now I need to hide from sound indefinitely.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Oh, I understand about the tinnitus! I've found only two things to counter them: sleep and almost deafening music (in the car or using headphones) so that the music is louder than the ringing. Neither solution is good. I have mine from Multiple Sclerosis (and apparently genetics) and the doctor basically said the same thing: "we don't know anything about tinnitus neurologically." The only thing I haven't tried is acupunture, which has worked for my migraines but i don't have a practitioner nowadays.

Swell, just swell.

 

[WillOxyWork]

Oh, I understand about the tinnitus! I've found only two things to counter them: sleep and almost deafening music (in the car or using headphones) so that the music is louder than the ringing. Neither solution is good. I have mine from Multiple Sclerosis (and apparently genetics) and the doctor basically said the same thing: "we don't know anything about tinnitus neurologically." The only thing I haven't tried is acupunture, which has worked for my migraines but i don't have a practitioner nowadays.

Swell, just swell.

Ugh, you have MS?! I'm so sorry - that's just brutal. Unfortunately my tinnitus is amplified by other sounds, so music isn't a great solution.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Ugh, you have MS?! I'm so sorry - that's just brutal. Unfortunately my tinnitus is amplified by other sounds, so music isn't a great solution.

Aw thanks! But really, it's relapsing and pretty mild compared to how bad it could be! The Tinnitus is almost constant though, for about six months now. It's funny: my windows almost shatter when I drive with such high music and I don't notice the ringing. But in between songs or when I get to my destination and it's worse than before haha. Maybe singing along is a distraction if nothing else!?

Have you thought about finding a university or researcher who needs a subject? I've been used as a human guinea pig for a few things. They get a living person who can participate and articulate themselves and you might get some off-script treatments that haven't been tried yet.

Just a thought. Hopefully not a nuissance

 

[WillOxyWork]

Aw thanks! But really, it's relapsing and pretty mild compared to how bad it could be! The Tinnitus is almost constant though, for about six months now. It's funny: my windows almost shatter when I drive with such high music and I don't notice the ringing. But in between songs or when I get to my destination and it's worse than before haha. Maybe singing along is a distraction if nothing else!?

Have you thought about finding a university or researcher who needs a subject? I've been used as a human guinea pig for a few things. They get a living person who can participate and articulate themselves and you might get some off-script treatments that haven't been tried yet.

Just a thought. Hopefully not a nuissance

I'd be careful about using such loud music. You risk damaging your ears and making the tinnitus worse.

I'm not too open to the idea of being a human guinea pig, haha.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

I'd be careful about using such loud music. You risk damaging your ears and making the tinnitus worse.

I'm not too open to the idea of being a human guinea pig, haha.

You're right about the music. I know. I do try to keep it relatively "safe."

Question: what about Cannabis? It's legal here. I had CBT capsules but they didn't help with much of anything. I just got some 2:1 HTC:CBD but am not sure what to expect so I haven't tried them yet. I'm after a good (quiet!) sleep but if they keep the ringing down during the day that would be a bonus. Needless to say, I haven't been high before so I could be overly cautious.

And, yeah, the guinea pig show did get very tired very quick. Although I did find acupunture for my type of migraines when nothing else worked. xx

 

[WillOxyWork]

You're right about the music. I know. I do try to keep it relatively "safe."

Question: what about Cannabis? It's legal here. I had CBT capsules but they didn't help with much of anything. I just got some 2:1 HTC:CBD but am not sure what to expect so I haven't tried them yet. I'm after a good (quiet!) sleep but if they keep the ringing down during the day that would be a bonus. Needless to say, I haven't been high before so I could be overly cautious.

And, yeah, the guinea pig show did get very tired very quick. Although I did find acupunture for my type of migraines when nothing else worked. xx

I used to use cannabis before my symptoms started. Unfortunately it makes things worse now and I find myself more focused on my symptoms when I use it, especially my visual snow.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

I used to use cannabis before my symptoms started. Unfortunately it makes things worse now and I find myself more focused on my symptoms when I use it, especially my visual snow.

Thanks! I'll try it tonight, not hope for the best and not be surprised for the worst.

BTW, everytime I see your name I want to call you Willy Wonka!

 

[Emily_Numb]

I had severe tinnitus when I was around 9 years old from a gunshot going off right next to my head. It was absolutely terrifying and I thought the ringing would never go away. It was so loud for so long. I did recover though. Over time, the ringing became less prominent and I would say after 6-9 months it had passed the point where it was an absolute distraction and source of anxiety for me. I still get it occasionally out of the blue for a moment to so but the majority of the time it's not there. I'm not sure what country you are in but most doctors should be able to help you in some way. Very strange. Maybe a second opinion is needed?

 

[WillOxyWork]

Thanks! I'll try it tonight, not hope for the best and not be surprised for the worst.

BTW, everytime I see your name I want to call you Willy Wonka!

I hope it helps.

And lol. I originally just made this account to ask if the oxycodone I found in my cupboard would be effective. Didn't expect to stay on here, otherwise I would have chosen a different name.

I had severe tinnitus when I was around 9 years old from a gunshot going off right next to my head. It was absolutely terrifying and I thought the ringing would never go away. It was so loud for so long. I did recover though. Over time, the ringing became less prominent and I would say after 6-9 months it had passed the point where it was an absolute distraction and source of anxiety for me. I still get it occasionally out of the blue for a moment to so but the majority of the time it's not there. I'm not sure what country you are in but most doctors should be able to help you in some way. Very strange. Maybe a second opinion is needed?

I've seen two very reputable ENTs in my state. They just told me that I need to learn to live with it and have no clue how to help me. Your tinnitus was from a single acoustic trauma, and I've researched tinnitus from cases like yours and those can resolve over time. I was a fool and consistently abused my ears for the last 10 years, with two major traumas mixed in. There's no coming back from this.

 

[Emily_Numb]

I've seen two very reputable ENTs in my state. They just told me that I need to learn to live with it and have no clue how to help me. Your tinnitus was from a single acoustic trauma, and I've researched tinnitus from cases like yours and those can resolve over time. I was a fool and consistently abused my ears for the last 10 years, with two major traumas mixed in. There's no coming back from this.

I wonder if it's so bad at the moment because of the pressure washer incident? Maybe give it a couple of months as that could potentially subside. I mean, you've lived with it a long time and this last trauma has triggered it somewhat. I mean, I always have ringing in my ears now, it's just the sound of silence I think?

 

[WillOxyWork]

I wonder if it's so bad at the moment because of the pressure washer incident? Maybe give it a couple of months as that could potentially subside. I mean, you've lived with it a long time and this last trauma has triggered it somewhat. I mean, I always have ringing in my ears now, it's just the sound of silence I think?

The ringing didn't start until the pressure washer incident, and that was already 10 weeks ago. And I'd be okay if it were just some ringing that could be masked. But it's unmaskable, reactive tinnitus. I hear a whistling sound over so many noises like fans, running water, and the wind. These noises just amplify my tinnitus and make my ears hurt, regardless of the volume. It's absolute bullshit. The only way for me to live now is as a recluse, hiding from sound. And I have visual snow which coincided with the tinnitus as well, pointing to neurological damage