monetpompo
૮ • ﻌ - ა
- Apr 21, 2025
- 540
tweak out rant from a few hours ago
my mama makes me anxious and then i start seething in my room. i looked up videos about moving out and got overwhelmed because you'd need to have a lot of money saved up in your bank account in order to move out at all. thinking about how i'm stuck in a financial bug net makes me feel incredibly nauseous. this affects my brother who lives in the room next to me as well. a part of me wonders how he copes. maybe he just spends all day maladaptive daydreaming while playing his video games. it makes me worried about him, since i know he wants to escape too.
"waaguggh aaah!!! ahhhh!!" - me
i need to get out. i won't be able to get the money to buy myself an apartment. it's taking me ages to get my license at all. i don't know how i can afford to live an apartment by myself when i've never lived on my own before. i've never had a job before. my parents won't support me once i move out because they don't have any money to give me and they won't care once i stop being their responsibility. i just want to run away from them but it's cheaper to kill myself. the people that i know who have already moved away feel sympathy for me but they have no advice to give me. all i can think about is how much i want to get out because i have no friends here, my mom constantly asks me what i did if i leave the house, and i have no will to do anything if i'm just going to keep being told i'm incapable of doing anything but also i'm supposed to be enrolled in college and that i should have a job.
i hate hearing my mom's awful laugh and listening to her sing or hum while i'm in my room all day because i'm trying to avoid her. her voice gets on my nerves and she bothers me once i decide to leave my room, so i just want to go back inside. she's always there, singing, laughing, or cleaning something. she seems so content and happy even though her life is essentially the same day over and over in complete isolation from the world. the thing that brings me the most comfort is the idea of hanging myself in my closet or jumping off a bridge instead of vague ideas about the future that literally no one around me even believes will happen. i don't want to keep being told that i'll succeed or that i'll get through this. i want to smash things. i have intrusive thoughts about breaking the things i own so that i have less of a will to live. i don't want to talk about my problems with people because it's not their responsibility to care about how i feel. it's no one's responsibility to make sure i'm alive or not. sometimes it feels like the only real choice i have in my life is whether i can kill myself or not. i know a job wouldn't make me extraordinarily happy, since i'll be stuck living here while my friends are far away from me. i feel like i'm incapable of bonding with anyone at all, because i ruin it.
i don't want to be still be living here next year or the year after that. i don't want to keep living here for years and years, because i don't even feel happy or comfortable just sitting in my room. it's just the only place where i won't be bothered. i'm locked up here because i don't know what to do with myself and i don't know how to cope with my problems, and the people in my life get worried about me, get tired of me, then leave me. even though people have good intentions, i think that they realize i'm not someone worth staying with. the only thing i can do to avoid messing up my relationships further is by trying to not talk about how i'm feeling, because i don't want to bother anyone or make them tired of me.
it's cheaper to kill myself than move away. i wrote that in my last suicide note. i don't know what to do with myself. i don't want to be alone and i don't want to burden others with my awful mental health. i want to be happy but i have nowhere to go. it's too bright outside. the sun is blinding in the morning and still bright in the afternoon. i want to keep apologizing to everyone because i feel like i'm annoying them and i feel guilty that i'm acting like my problems are anymore important than theirs. no one is going to come comfort me and save me because i'm not a child anymore, even though i'm still in the same position as one.
i want to dig a big hole and burrow into a ground until i turn into a new person. i wish i didn't have to live with the thought that the people around me are living better lives than me. i just feel lesser than others.
my mama makes me anxious and then i start seething in my room. i looked up videos about moving out and got overwhelmed because you'd need to have a lot of money saved up in your bank account in order to move out at all. thinking about how i'm stuck in a financial bug net makes me feel incredibly nauseous. this affects my brother who lives in the room next to me as well. a part of me wonders how he copes. maybe he just spends all day maladaptive daydreaming while playing his video games. it makes me worried about him, since i know he wants to escape too.
"waaguggh aaah!!! ahhhh!!" - me
i need to get out. i won't be able to get the money to buy myself an apartment. it's taking me ages to get my license at all. i don't know how i can afford to live an apartment by myself when i've never lived on my own before. i've never had a job before. my parents won't support me once i move out because they don't have any money to give me and they won't care once i stop being their responsibility. i just want to run away from them but it's cheaper to kill myself. the people that i know who have already moved away feel sympathy for me but they have no advice to give me. all i can think about is how much i want to get out because i have no friends here, my mom constantly asks me what i did if i leave the house, and i have no will to do anything if i'm just going to keep being told i'm incapable of doing anything but also i'm supposed to be enrolled in college and that i should have a job.
i hate hearing my mom's awful laugh and listening to her sing or hum while i'm in my room all day because i'm trying to avoid her. her voice gets on my nerves and she bothers me once i decide to leave my room, so i just want to go back inside. she's always there, singing, laughing, or cleaning something. she seems so content and happy even though her life is essentially the same day over and over in complete isolation from the world. the thing that brings me the most comfort is the idea of hanging myself in my closet or jumping off a bridge instead of vague ideas about the future that literally no one around me even believes will happen. i don't want to keep being told that i'll succeed or that i'll get through this. i want to smash things. i have intrusive thoughts about breaking the things i own so that i have less of a will to live. i don't want to talk about my problems with people because it's not their responsibility to care about how i feel. it's no one's responsibility to make sure i'm alive or not. sometimes it feels like the only real choice i have in my life is whether i can kill myself or not. i know a job wouldn't make me extraordinarily happy, since i'll be stuck living here while my friends are far away from me. i feel like i'm incapable of bonding with anyone at all, because i ruin it.
i don't want to be still be living here next year or the year after that. i don't want to keep living here for years and years, because i don't even feel happy or comfortable just sitting in my room. it's just the only place where i won't be bothered. i'm locked up here because i don't know what to do with myself and i don't know how to cope with my problems, and the people in my life get worried about me, get tired of me, then leave me. even though people have good intentions, i think that they realize i'm not someone worth staying with. the only thing i can do to avoid messing up my relationships further is by trying to not talk about how i'm feeling, because i don't want to bother anyone or make them tired of me.
it's cheaper to kill myself than move away. i wrote that in my last suicide note. i don't know what to do with myself. i don't want to be alone and i don't want to burden others with my awful mental health. i want to be happy but i have nowhere to go. it's too bright outside. the sun is blinding in the morning and still bright in the afternoon. i want to keep apologizing to everyone because i feel like i'm annoying them and i feel guilty that i'm acting like my problems are anymore important than theirs. no one is going to come comfort me and save me because i'm not a child anymore, even though i'm still in the same position as one.
i want to dig a big hole and burrow into a ground until i turn into a new person. i wish i didn't have to live with the thought that the people around me are living better lives than me. i just feel lesser than others.
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