Venting I can’t even be honest with my self

[joegoes100]

I've convinced my self the reason I'm killing my self is because of how much I hate my self. While this is true, i just feel like I'll never find love, and that's why I don't want to continue living. I can't love my self at all until I feel like someone loves me, I don't know why I'm like this. Everyone says that there's someone out there for everyone but I know there isn't for me. I'm way too picky for what I actually am. I'm probably bottom 40% attractiveness and I can only have feelings for people that are way out of my league, and I can't lower my standards. It's not even mainly their looks, they have to understand me, accept me, have the same experiences as me(0 bodies), or I just feel like I can't love them. It's so stupid that I'm like this but I know the only way I can escape being so reliant on love.
Looking back at it, this is why I hate my self, so I guess I didn't lie to my self, I just wasn't fully honest.
I know this is stupid but I needed to get this out of my head it physically hurts to think about.

 

[kufajoy]

Hey that's not high standards at all. You are just hoping for a partner that can understand you. It's really human even though it sucks that the world is full of population but we have so less human

 

[katara]

If ur only attracted to looks then what if the people are rude and mean? I think the truth is no attractive celebrities would be on this site and they definitely wouldn't understand us

 

[LancyLoew]

I've convinced my self the reason I'm killing my self is because of how much I hate my self. While this is true, i just feel like I'll never find love, and that's why I don't want to continue living. I can't love my self at all until I feel like someone loves me, I don't know why I'm like this. Everyone says that there's someone out there for everyone but I know there isn't for me. I'm way too picky for what I actually am. I'm probably bottom 40% attractiveness and I can only have feelings for people that are way out of my league, and I can't lower my standards. It's not even mainly their looks, they have to understand me, accept me, have the same experiences as me(0 bodies), or I just feel like I can't love them. It's so stupid that I'm like this but I know the only way I can escape being so reliant on love.
Looking back at it, this is why I hate my self, so I guess I didn't lie to my self, I just wasn't fully honest.
I know this is stupid but I needed to get this out of my head it physically hurts to think about.

I think I'm in a similar place to you; I'm also 18 with no experience, mostly just trying to get through highschool, but apart from that, just sitting in my room all day. I read your other post about "clearing things up", and it reminded me about how I was able to move on from someone, though it was more one-sided for me.
You say you want attention, which is a normal thing, and while you mostly spoke about love, you haven't mentioned whether or not you have friends. I haven't had friends in a very long time, but recently I met someone who seems to care unlike anyone else, despite only being able to stay connected online.

3 years ago, I could not imagine having such a relationship with anybody, let alone that person being the one to approach me in the first place. Having been rejected (even after moving on) made everything else feel so much more hopeless. It's like the darker darkness after a light flickered for the first time; but you only think you don't have a chance. At least wait to finish highschool. Life is rather different (and better, I'm told) after school, even if you go to some university.
You're not in a good place, but if you're not 100% ready to give up at 18, then please don't. Things aren't guaranteed to improve, but there's still a lot to see.