voidreverse1982
Member
- Jan 17, 2024
- 19
No joy this christmas. No fun this christmas. It feels like every other day. And I'm a catholic. I literally did nothing useful today. Nothing productive. Nothing fun. Only spending the whole day in my room making memes on reddit for meaningless upvotes. I didn't even clean my messy room. I didn't even wash my clothes. Life is a meaningless, endless loop. I'm literally doing nothing but stay in front of a monitor the whole day through my winter holidays. I can't have any fun whatsoever. I lost interest in everything. I lost interest on living life. I really just want to stop existing. I want to erase myself. I want to kill myself. But I know I can't. Not only because of the consequences there are, such as traumatizing my family, the possibility of failing, and many more, but also because I'm too coward to do the act. I feel fear for the pain there is for any methods, and I can't help but feel like I still need to do some goals, like as if I was born here on earth for a reason besides suffering. But I really just want to die.. I want to die so, so badly.. I don't want to live life meaninglessly, and I know it will only keep being meaningless, everything is meaningless, it is a mistake for life to have evolved in the first place. I just.. hate myself so, so much for some reason.. I just can't find any worth in myself. I can't see any potential for growth in myself. I can't see any opportunities for changes in myself. I just see myself as worthless. Someone who is merely existing without a true reason. Only wasting ressources and being a burden. Slowly, but surely, rotting. Waiting for my unevitable death. Until everything that is left of me is just my skeleton. Which will be burried deep underground. And absolutely nobody will ever remember that I even existed. I'm literally a nobody. I'm disappointed in myself. But maybe I do deserve to suffer living life with absolutely no improvements whatsoever for the past six years. I'm worthless, afterall. I don't deserve any growth, nor any changes. I deserve to live life boringly as hell during my holidays, and suffer the responsibilities and burdens there are during workdays. And it would be selfish of me to commit suicide without paying for my worthlessness by suffering through living life. Even if I weren't going to commit suicide anytime soon, I'll never get a girlfriend. I'll never have a wife. I'll never have kids. I'll never be a good parent. I can't take care of myself, let alone a family. My generation will end with my hands. So, there really isn't a point in living life. Everytime I take the train to go to work, I imagine myself jumping in front of it. Everytime I walk on the sidewalk and see a truck passing by, I imagine myself jumping in front of it. Everytime I get to a high building, I imagine myself climbing to the roof and jumping off. I always imagine ending my suffering once and for all whenever possible. Yet, I just can never do it. I always feel like I'm not yet ready for it. And I hate myself even more for that. Whenever my dad calls me out for not doing any duties or responsibilities I have, I realize just how worthless I truly am. It's been like this since I was 14 to 15 years old, and now I'm 20, and things have only gotten worse as I have more expectations and responsibilities the deeper I get into adulthood, and yet I still have the same mentality as I had when I was 17. And it is extremely unlikely that there will be any changes besides everything getting worse. Oh well, I guess I'll just be stuck with my human body meaninglessly for whoever knows how long. Maybe and hopefully when I finally reach my breaking point I'll finally be able to actually harm myself, and then potentially kill myself. Still, I wish everyone who is reading this thanks and a nice christmas.
