Venting I can't do this anymore

[mold]

I seriously can't fucking do this anymore. So many fucking attempts, different methods, absolutely no relief. I just want it to end so badly. What do I need to do??? It's so unfair. I don't even know how to properly get SN in my country without literally working for a lab. It's so heavily controlled and regulated here. Maybe I'm just too stupid to figure it out or something.

Yesterday my mom found out that I went to see a psychiatrist, she knows I've wanted to die before but it's never gotten to this point, and I think she's realized how bad it's gotten. She cried and apologized to me for raising me too strictly (she hasn't), and apologized for giving birth to me with mental illness (it runs very very deep in my mom's side of the family. Every single person has some sort of mental or neurological issue. Maybe our bloodline is just cursed.) It's obviously not her fault, but hearing her apologize and say this just makes me feel even more guilty. It's not that I want to hurt her or leave her behind, but I genuinely can't do this anymore.

I love my mom very much, and she loves me too, she's never been abusive towards me even though we fight sometimes. She told me I'm all she has. The rest of our family is incredibly distanct, cold towards us, or absolutely bonkers (mentally ill) and take it out on my mom for some reason. She said if I died she might die too. I don't want to live because she says she'll die too, it would make me feel like a murderer in some sense. But i know why she said that, and I don't think she was saying that to guilt me or make me feel like I should live her, I think she genuinely meant it.

Despite all that I seriously can't take it anymore. Everything has gone to shit. I don't know why I'm still alive. I should've died ages ago. I'm not someone worth fighting for. I just want to go already. It's fucking overwhelming.

 

[lilaboc101]

There is more strength in you than you know. That is how you have made it this far already.

 

[burninghill]

My mum has expressed suicidal thoughts to my siblings before man, I think if I killed myself it would damn near be the last straw for her. I get how it feels. My mum is good to me and she doesn't really have any other family left around her, she's a really unlucky woman and has come up on more harm than she deserves.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.
I honestly don't have anything helpful to say but I just wanted to leave a comment to let you know that you're seen

 

[Aflame5926]

I seriously can't fucking do this anymore. So many fucking attempts, different methods, absolutely no relief. I just want it to end so badly. What do I need to do??? It's so unfair. I don't even know how to properly get SN in my country without literally working for a lab. It's so heavily controlled and regulated here. Maybe I'm just too stupid to figure it out or something.

Yesterday my mom found out that I went to see a psychiatrist, she knows I've wanted to die before but it's never gotten to this point, and I think she's realized how bad it's gotten. She cried and apologized to me for raising me too strictly (she hasn't), and apologized for giving birth to me with mental illness (it runs very very deep in my mom's side of the family. Every single person has some sort of mental or neurological issue. Maybe our bloodline is just cursed.) It's obviously not her fault, but hearing her apologize and say this just makes me feel even more guilty. It's not that I want to hurt her or leave her behind, but I genuinely can't do this anymore.

I love my mom very much, and she loves me too, she's never been abusive towards me even though we fight sometimes. She told me I'm all she has. The rest of our family is incredibly distanct, cold towards us, or absolutely bonkers (mentally ill) and take it out on my mom for some reason. She said if I died she might die too. I don't want to live because she says she'll die too, it would make me feel like a murderer in some sense. But i know why she said that, and I don't think she was saying that to guilt me or make me feel like I should live her, I think she genuinely meant it.

Despite all that I seriously can't take it anymore. Everything has gone to shit. I don't know why I'm still alive. I should've died ages ago. I'm not someone worth fighting for. I just want to go already. It's fucking overwhelming.

to be honest this sounds like a good mom to me.


about the murder part. who the F cares. the dead wont tell stories. also its YOU that had enough for it. and its YOU that want to end it.

i had a part in my life my parents ratted me out on my second attempt. they learned they lesson. they know about my plans again. for better or worse.
but they 100% not gonna call the shrinks again. because what they do is compleetly bullshit.


this is a very weird suggestion and maybe its to weird. but talk with her about it since it pointless to hide it. and maybe it end up with a double attempt. i dont know your exact situation and this might be extremely naive and to much assuming from my side