I can't do it yet, but I am so so tired

[H0110W]

Today my parents, aunt amd grandma came to my house after we had Christmas dinner together. I showed them my house and they were so happy for me. Of course I pretended to be fine and put on my "normal person" mask. Then they left and I was alone again, I didn't want to have them around too much.

Anyways, this made me realize I can't do it yet. They'd be devastated. I can't do this to my family as they are the only ones who haven't given up on me. I just keep them distant because I don't want to involve them in my madness. I am so ashamed of what I've become.

But I don't deserve their love, support and concern. I'm such a broken hollow creature, I'm filled with nothing but hate. Being loved makes me feel wrong, it makes me deeply sad.

I will have to endure this pointless, everyday struggle for many more long years. My comfortable state of living death must go on for my family, but I'm so tired.

Anyone else keeps postponing their end just because you don't want to disappoint your family?

 

[VigilanteWithViolin]

Sometimes I can vividly imagine that my mother might find my corpse and imagine her reaction, that I feel ashamed of my desire to die. But at the same time, I realize that when I continue to suffer for someone, I'm torturing myself. It's a complicated feeling.

 

[TimonofAthens]

My understanding is that, at the moment of death, our existence will cease to be. There is no afterlife - only oblivion. In that case, so far as I am concerned, my family and their emotions will cease to be too. What suffering they may experience on discovering my corpse is no more real than suffering they may experience in my imagination.

 

[i love yoshi ^-^]

Today my parents, aunt amd grandma came to my house after we had Christmas dinner together. I showed them my house and they were so happy for me. Of course I pretended to be fine and put on my "normal person" mask. Then they left and I was alone again, I didn't want to have them around too much.

Anyways, this made me realize I can't do it yet. They'd be devastated. I can't do this to my family as they are the only ones who haven't given up on me. I just keep them distant because I don't want to involve them in my madness. I am so ashamed of what I've become.

But I don't deserve their love, support and concern. I'm such a broken hollow creature, I'm filled with nothing but hate. Being loved makes me feel wrong, it makes me deeply sad.

I will have to endure this pointless, everyday struggle for many more long years. My comfortable state of living death must go on for my family, but I'm so tired.

Anyone else keeps postponing their end just because you don't want to disappoint your family?

you take yourself to the highest scrutiny, as you're the person who knows the most about yourself.

the fact that you care so much about your family shows that you are, in the core, a well meaning person. for all the wrongs that you've done, you should consider what emotional state you were in. and think about it by projecting it onto 3rd person. you might continue to be hateful to a degree, but go easier on yourself, your real intent isn't to hurt anyone, is it?

 

[Username1359751]

My understanding is that, at the moment of death, our existence will cease to be. There is no afterlife - only oblivion. In that case, so far as I am concerned, my family and their emotions will cease to be too. What suffering they may experience on discovering my corpse is no more real than suffering they may experience in my imagination.

I think this is a rather self-serving approach. If a tree falls while no one bears witness to its sound, we know the sound still did take place from a scientific and logical sense. So even if you're not there to witness your family's suffering, that doesn't invalidate or diminish their emotional pain just because you aren't there to acknowledge it. While your reality and state of being may end, the fact is theirs will not. That's trying to excuse your actions and absolve yourself of the blame and guilt for causing the distress that you don't want to admit to. It's not easy to own your selfishness.

 

[foreverlanguish]

Sometimes I can vividly imagine that my mother might find my corpse and imagine her reaction, that I feel ashamed of my desire to die. But at the same time, I realize that when I continue to suffer for someone, I'm torturing myself. It's a complicated feeling.

It really is so complicated… I too have felt the same. I imagine my family finding and looking over my body and their reactions, and it's scared me a lot. I don't want to stay around either just to make them happy, but it's so hard at the same time. I sympathize.