I can't believe in my dreams or projects

[EternalSummer]

It seems i live day by day without an aim or higher goal, the only thing i do is escape my responsabilities. I have general anxiety disorder, anything that involves having responsabilities and people depending on me makes me panic.


I'm still living with my parents, but the time is running short, i don't know how to fix myself nor solve my problems, even if I did, all the emotional pain necessary to deal with these things makes me wanna poof out of existence.

But i made a promise to myself, if i gonna end it I will not do it feeling desperate, in panic or in scrutiating emotional pain. I will be calm, relaxed and with peace of mind. Thankfully, SaSu gave me the information which enables me to do it with DIGNITY, something i never had.

 

[KillingPain267]

It seems i live day by day without an aim or higher goal, the only thing i know is how to escape my responsabilities. I have general anxiety, anything that involves having responsabilities and people depending on me makes me panic.


I'm still living with my parents, but the time is running short, i don't know how to fix myself nor solve my problems, even if I did, all the emotional pain necessary to deal with these things makes me wanna poof out of existance.

But i made a promise to myself, if i gonna end it I will not do it feeling desperate, in panic or in scrutiating emotional pain. I will be calm, relaxed and with peace of mind. Thankfully, SaSu gave me the information which enables me to do it with DIGNITY, something i never had.

I totally relate. I have anxiety too, but also depression. So no goals even make sense to me. The only thing that eases my symptoms currently is that I can move out from my family into my new apartment in about a week and THEN finally plan my ctb and buy stuff as well as drink a few times a week (currently, my family is watching me like a hawk and it makes me more and more irritated day by day). So the only thing I look forward to is to be fucking alone and just rot in my bed without having to interact with anyone. I can only take 1 day at a time. Luckily I am on temporary disability welfare, but of course the case worker is hoping I make progress soon to be able to work. Lol, I am not mentally there at all, especially since I plan ctb eventually. So I go to a therapist and try different anti-depressants as well as physiotherapy for backpain. But I only hesitantly force myself to do those things so I can say later "tried it, didn't work", hahaha. Perhaps I can go to Switzerland or Belgium and apply then unless I ctb with SN or F before that.