Help I cannot catch the bus without hurting my mother feelings

[tomz323]

This is the only reason I haven't ctb years ago, I'm getting pretty desperate. Is there anyway around it?

 

[Raggas]

Writing a comforting note is the best thing you can do, reassuring her it is not her fault for your suicide.

 

[snowman626]

It's the same with me and I don't think there's any way around it. Its fucked up because sometimes I actually wish she would die so I can go. But having to experience her dying is also one of my worst nightmares. But I cannot go through ctbt knowing she will probably never recover from it. I hope a fucking asteroid hits the earth and its game over for all without the guilt

 

[Alan James]

I have the same problem. I also know for sure that my 87-year-old grandmother (who was the only one who cared about me - my other parents didn't give a damn about me) would also die (she had a heart problems), it would be like killing. But alive I give my parents only suffering, problems and frustration, I see in their eyes when they look at me longing and endless frustration. I can't live and can't die, i hate myself and all this world

 

[uiop]

Although there are options people have mentioned in this post to mitigate it, there is no way to get around your mother's heartbreak over your death. You are her son after all; you guys share the same bloodline. The best thing you can do is go through with it (if you want to), and hope that she will continue moving forward after your death.

 

[Empty Smile]

I agree with @ulop, there is no way around it. Even if it doesn't break mom's heart, it'll break someone's.

Everyone dies eventually, and life moves on. Time isn't going to stop just because you're gone.

 

[Walilamdzi]

Yeah me too.

 

[tomz323]

My Mother is really the only person who I feel would be affected by my suicide, this sucks I really can't bring myself to ctb with her around.

 

[Walilamdzi]

Do you have siblings? I know my parents will be upset, but I don't see any way I can comfortably sustain myself so it's pretty inevitable really.

 

[tomz323]

Do you have siblings? I know my parents will be upset, but I don't see any way I can comfortably sustain myself so it's pretty inevitable really.

I have a brother so they'll still have one child. I agree with you, me ctb is inevitable.

 

[dolphin]

I have the same problem. I cry hysterically every night because of it. I know that I'm going to destroy her but I know that she will at least have my other family members. She is the only reason I haven't done this a lot sooner.

 

[RedSalvation15]

Suicides are connected with broken feelings most of the time, especially for family members and soulmates-like-people. So I guess there's no way around it.

But... if you assure her, that she hasn't done anything wrong and she's not to blame for anything, ever... it will still be destructive, but at least the part with guilt is gone or at least much, much lower.
You really seem to care for your mother. And I'm sure your mum wants only the best for you, whatever you think that is. Nobody suicides because "Oh, I got nothin' to do!".
If you ctb one day, then it wasn't because you wanted to damage her (and others) - it's because that seemed to the best way out for you.

 

[dyingtodie]

I also don't want to cause pain to family or acquaintances. Though it is inevitable.

I feel like ultimately it will be a gift to them. Grieving is a beautiful process. And coming to terms with how and why a beautiful joyous person (me) chose to end their life will (hopefully) offer some novel perspectives on what is really important and thus increase the quality of life for people who knew me. Similar aged people will hopefully feel some more urgency to live their lives fully with my reminder that we are mortal creatures and our time here is short.

I'm not leaving a note because the people who knew me knew that I was suffering and why. So many people had so many opportunities to help me, but everyone looked away, turned a blind eye, or tried to 'fix' me and put pressure on me just making things worse, making me feel more isolated/alienated, less likely to reach out and thus worsening my condition. Why would I want to live in a world that is not interested or capable of helping someone on the verge of death from overwhelming life circumstances? I don't..

The Joy will come in the Mourning :)

 

[dandan]

oooh back to our mom,

im sorry to hear you are were, in the position I was... yup my mom is the hardest thing regarding ctb, the hardest, and maybe the only thing...

I have been living on ideas lately, on dreams, might crash down when I realize I am in the same old place and I can not move?

 

[headinghome]

I also don't want to cause pain to family or acquaintances. Though it is inevitable.

I feel like ultimately it will be a gift to them. Grieving is a beautiful process. And coming to terms with how and why a beautiful joyous person (me) chose to end their life will (hopefully) offer some novel perspectives on what is really important and thus increase the quality of life for people who knew me. Similar aged people will hopefully feel some more urgency to live their lives fully with my reminder that we are mortal creatures and our time here is short.

I'm not leaving a note because the people who knew me knew that I was suffering and why. So many people had so many opportunities to help me, but everyone looked away, turned a blind eye, or tried to 'fix' me and put pressure on me just making things worse, making me feel more isolated/alienated, less likely to reach out and thus worsening my condition. Why would I want to live in a world that is not interested or capable of helping someone on the verge of death from overwhelming life circumstances? I don't..

The Joy will come in the Mourning :)

suicide is never a gift for those left behind at best it's the end of suffering for those who accomplish the task…
Mourning and grief are never beautiful....They are an agonizing torture on your heart and soul…

 

[seekingoblivion]

There's no way around it. You can try and lessen the hurt with a well written note but ultimately she and anyone else in your life will still have to suffer your death. And suffer painfully. And it sucks that I'll have to die knowing this.

 

[Nova]

Same thing for me , my parents is why I've been postponing it. I'll probably wait until they pass away first or they become amnesic with Alzheimer's and not remember who I am anyway..

 

[dandan]

yeah it sucks so bad...

 

[Sirroscoe]

My mum was a single parent, and was an alcoholic from when I was 6 ish til 15, really really bad, she'd steal and passout outside school etc. But she's also my best friend. I pity her. She did get a raw deal her whole life, and had already raised 3 kids without issues with drinking and she has still never touched drugs except a couple tokes on my joints for her arthritis. I don't blame her, she broke down and couldn't cope, and she never hit me or intentionally mean etc, just neglected and exposed to shit. But I don't doubt for a second she ever stopped loving me, and as much as I don't blame her I'm left broken and stunted, and I don't see anyway to reach my potential, everything that happens to me I trace back to my broken childhood.

The only thing that keeps me going is her, she's even stated if I die she'll follow me (I've attempted suicide in determined ways twice prior)

Sadly I don't think I can do it anymore, but alas, I can't be responsible for other people happiness unfortunately, I mean the people who were responsible for mine were not when it mattered.

I think as stated the best you can do is write a heartfelt note and making it very clear your love for them and how they were the chief reason it took this long. That you don't blame them and you hope they can find a way to move forward, and be happy

 

[headinghome]

My mum was a single parent, and was an alcoholic from when I was 6 ish til 15, really really bad, she'd steal and passout outside school etc. But she's also my best friend. I pity her. She did get a raw deal her whole life, and had already raised 3 kids without issues with drinking and she has still never touched drugs except a couple tokes on my joints for her arthritis. I don't blame her, she broke down and couldn't cope, and she never hit me or intentionally mean etc, just neglected and exposed to shit. But I don't doubt for a second she ever stopped loving me, and as much as I don't blame her I'm left broken and stunted, and I don't see anyway to reach my potential, everything that happens to me I trace back to my broken childhood.

The only thing that keeps me going is her, she's even stated if I die she'll follow me (I've attempted suicide in determined ways twice prior)

Sadly I don't think I can do it anymore, but alas, I can't be responsible for other people happiness unfortunately, I mean the people who were responsible for mine were not when it mattered.

I think as stated the best you can do is write a heartfelt note and making it very clear your love for them and how they were the chief reason it took this long. That you don't blame them and you hope they can find a way to move forward, and be happy

you say you can't be responsible for other peoples happiness.... therefore I assume you feel you are the only one responsible for your own happiness… So you should be able to let go of any feelings that she's responsible for your future happiness… Only you are responsible for that… And therefore you have a choice… You can choose to try and not let her actions dictate your future

 

[Sirroscoe]

you say you can't be responsible for other peoples happiness.... therefore I assume you feel you are the only one responsible for your own happiness… So you should be able to let go of any feelings that she's responsible for your future happiness… Only you are responsible for that… And therefore you have a choice… You can choose to try and not let her actions dictate your future

While I certainly agree with you, just try to see my ultimate hurdle. I don't have the skills to be happy. Due to my neglect I was malnourished most of my life, especially when it really mattered. I didn't develope properly physically and that has affected me with a list of physical health disorders, auto immune issues and mental health issues. At this point I'm making the executive decision to end my responsibility to live due to issue stated above and many, many others.

But honestly don't think I'm covertly trying to blame anyone. I definitely made stupid decisions along the way when I had every opportunity to make better ones, I've made a ton of mistakes and I don't really blame anyone, it is what it is. It's just a factor to me at this point, one of many.

 

[Eren]

I'm in the same situation, I find it really hard to imagine my mother if I ctb

 

[Jean Améry]

This is the only reason I haven't ctb years ago, I'm getting pretty desperate. Is there anyway around it?

I'm afraid not. With me it's not my mother (who pretty much caused my downward spiral and therefore does not deserve any sympathy) but my nephews and great-aunt. I can't hurt the little-ones nor someone who always cared and rooted for me.

It sucks doesn't it? I feel you.

 

[dandan]

damm guys, or girls

im alike
dam dam dam, im damned

leaving my mom sucks, its my biggest pain

and also I wish I found a solution... but its been 20 years... what solution can come up now? c'mon...

 

[JadedGray]

This is why I'm glad my mom has come to accept my decision. This used to be one of the main reasons I couldn't make attempts in the past. I still feel sad thinking about her alone after I'm gone even though she's reassured me that she'll be fine. It's just something that can't be avoided, unfortunately.

 

[tomz323]

Its Ironic, my parents and upbringing are a big reason why I'm so fucked up.

 

[JCStar01]

This is why I'm glad my mom has come to accept my decision. This used to be one of the main reasons I couldn't make attempts in the past. I still feel sad thinking about her alone after I'm gone even though she's reassured me that she'll be fine. It's just something that can't be avoided, unfortunately.

Damn dude......how the hell did you get her to accept it?

 

[JadedGray]

Damn dude......how the hell did you get her to accept it?

She's the only one who has seen me suffer my whole life. She doesn't want me to end my life, but she can understand why I would and won't prevent me from doing it, as long as I don't make the attempt in our home.

 

[needtogonow]

My son CTB in March. We were very close. His death has killed me. I am on here to figure out a peaceful way to CTB myself because this torment is unbearable. I never would have done this before, I was a relatively happy person with a good life.

I am in agony. The pain never stops, not even for one second. All I do is think about my own death so that I can get some relief. He left me a note saying that it wasn't my fault, but that doesn't help. I blame myself constantly even though people say that's irrational.

Please, please consider waiting until your mother is gone before you CTB. I am 100 percent sure that if my son knew what this would do to me, he wouldn't have gone through with it. I had no idea that this much suffering was even possible for one person to feel. If you love your mother, please make the sacrifice for her and wait.

 

[JadedGray]

My son CTB in March. We were very close. His death has killed me. I am on here to figure out a peaceful way to CTB myself because this torment is unbearable. I never would have done this before, I was a relatively happy person with a good life.

I am in agony. The pain never stops, not even for one second. All I do is think about my own death so that I can get some relief. He left me a note saying that it wasn't my fault, but that doesn't help. I blame myself constantly even though people say that's irrational.

Please, please consider waiting until your mother is gone before you CTB. I am 100 percent sure that if my son knew what this would do to me, he wouldn't have gone through with it. I had no idea that this much suffering was even possible for one person to feel. If you love your mother, please make the sacrifice for her and wait.

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child, especially since it goes against the natural order of things. In all fairness, I think some people don't feel obligated to wait until their mother (or father) dies, as they didn't choose to be born in the first place and don't feel like being given the gift of life was a favor. There are also many who have had abusive parents and don't feel they owe them anything. Regardless, I hope you find peace being reunited with your son one day.